starting to go down that lonesome road again

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
starting to go down that lonesome road again
7
Thu, 08-15-2013 - 6:49pm

I dont know if I mentioned it a while back that my mom and I got into a huge fight not even a mponth after my dad passed away, she told me wished I was never born, I knew my mom couldnt love me I am not even sure why my hubby and kids love me . my mom talks to people about me and it isnt in a good way she tells them I am a bad daughter cause I never bring my kids to see her, well my nephew lives there now and he molested my daughter I forgive him cause he was young and was taught that but he gets mad and tried to hurt people and I cant allow my kids to be put into that situation.

I had a best friend but she told me to grow the F up all cause I went off my meds and she said its no wonder why I can never keep a friend, so I have given up on being close to anyone or sharing my thoughts and feelings with anyone. I sit up in my bedroom all day and sleep, I just lie to my hubby and tell him I have a migraine and need to be left alone. as I reread this I think that I am so stupid here I say I am not going to share with anyone and here I am shaing with all the world. Yea I am dumb and fat and ugly and all around terrible person that isnt able to have the love or respect from her own mother let alone a friend.

I am tired of hurting and I now know I can not trust anyone in my life, I thought I was able to trust my BFF but she turned on me. the only friend I have now is my eating disorder and I dont plan on letting it go at all.

Mary
Avatar for cmkarla
Administrator
Registered: 01-03-2001
Fri, 08-16-2013 - 8:05am

Hi Mary,

It sounds like you are in a really bad place right now and could use someone to talk to. I know you mentioned you don't trust your friends, what about a professional? Can you call your doctor or counselor and set up an appointment to talk about how you are feeling? 

There is also the National Suicide Hotline: National Suicide Hotline USA
1-800-784-2443
1-800-273-8255
 State Hotlines: http://suicidehotlines.com/
Why call a suicide hotline? http://suicide.com/suicidecrisiscenter/whycall.html

Please call someone today and be sure to stop by often and let us know how you are doing.

Karla
Community ModeratoriVillage.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 08-16-2013 - 9:44am

yea I can talk to my T but the problem is that I am finding it real hard to trust anyone, plus getting out of bed is so hard for me to do these days.

Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2010
Sun, 08-18-2013 - 11:27am

Trust is a very big problem for me too. I am trying to decide if I am suffering from paranoia or if everyone I know is just not trustworthy.

As far as getting out of bed, have you tried doing something new? I know a man with bipolar disorder who has started running. He joined a club and signed up for races. He is trying to turn his obsessiveness/aggression, etc. into something good. He started about 9 months ago and he says he feels like a new person. He got his first medal for placing in a 5K yesterday.

I am thinking about trying it myself.

Nancy
Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sun, 08-18-2013 - 5:32pm

BIG HUG MARY!!  I am so sorry you are feeling down.  My friend, you are not any of those bad things you mentioned, none of them, not at all!!  I have told you that you are a wonderful mother and wife.  I understand how it feels to lose your bff, big hug.

How are you feeling today?  Does the sunshine help you any?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 08-20-2013 - 12:00pm

well I have worked out getting out of bed my kids started school today so I had to get up and get them all up and out the door. I have been thinking about what you said about running I know I cant run but maybe I can take the dog out for a walk

Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 08-20-2013 - 12:10pm

thanks for the kind words Heidi, it is hard for me to think of myself any other way but in a negative way, I mean I am not good enough to have the love of my mom, and the stuff my BFF said. we still talk but I am gaurded on what I say, and I cant stop the replay of what she said to me. I have tried to be a perfect friend to her I have given her money and done things for her and I get treated like garbage. I know I can get over this hard time in my life but I really have lost trust in people and what they say. the only friend I can rely on is my Eating disorder I know it isnt healthy and I know a lot of ppl will say that my ED isnt a friend but it is all I have and I dont want to give it up at all.

to answer your question about does the sunshine help me sometimes but a lot of times when I go out I get a migraine due to the brightness and the heat.

Mary
Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 6:25pm

Hi Mary,

Please do not think that in any way that your not good enough, NOT TRUE, Mary!!  HUG

I am sorry what your mom has said :(  I am not sure how to respond to that, other then what I know about you is that you are a good woman, no matter what she has told you.  You are worth of so much love.  You know how much your DH and children love you Mary!!

Please let me know how you are doing?