Was MIA...still not good!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2006
Was MIA...still not good!
8
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 10:27am

Sorry I do not stop in as often as I should, but I feel I have nothing to offer here. My situation has not changed much. Some days I am ok and feel more positive and other days I crash and feel like ending it all. I keep hoping things will get better, but they do not. They keep getting worse. I am in chronic pain all the time with my fibro and I have no health care for it because the docs in Alabama, the town I live in now, does not want to help with pain medication. I also have spinal degeneration and spinal stenosis with bulging disks. I am trapped in the house all the time, because it is way to hot to walk and I have no car right now. My husband loves it here and loves his new job and I do not like it at all. I left Maryland where I had medical care at my finger tips. I had a therapist to talk to and could visit my family, Now I have none of that. There is a waiting list to see a psychotherapist here. I have an appointment with a pain doc on October 9th. It is crazy here. I feel like I moved to Hell !!!!

I am not sure I can live like this much longer and my husband is happy here. He does not need me pulling him down. He has to deal with my ups and downs and my pain issues all the time. I am not even sure why he would love someone like me. I have so little to offer. Even when I ask him why he loves me and what I offer him, he will not tell me. I believe it is because he knows I am nothing.

I never get to see my daughter and grandson. It has been a year and a half since I have seen them. They live in Texas. Neither of us have the money to travel, so is this how it is going to be forever? I do not have much hope at all at this point. I feel my life is one big joke! I struggled through college for years battling my bipolar and depression and once I reached my AA degree and could get my certification as a trainee substance abuse counselor, I ended up with so much pain and brain fog, I could not longer even concentrate on my studies. I fought hard the last couple semester. Now, I am in a state that does not help me, no resources, and believe me I have called all over the place. I have called the suicide hotline and I have gotten no where. I am very smart and no how to look for resouces and I had them in MD and not here in AL. It is like these people live in the dark ages or something. They do have alcohol in every single store, the dollar store, conveinent stores and all over the place and there is a lot of methamphetamine addicts here. I am sure they all become alcholics and druggies because that is all they have to get by in this horrible place.

I feel I deserve better than this, yet, I cannot take care of myself. I cannot work to get my own place and I am on disability, so I am at my husbands mercy and I have to do what it best for him, not what is best for me. So how am I supposed to handle this? I am miserable and I try to put on a happy face for him, but I am not being honest. I just sent him a text about how ,miserable I am here and he did not reply because he does not want to think about what is best for me as far as where we live. He has helped by getting me meds from a neighbor to help with pain on some days, but they are not strong enough to really touch my pain, however, they do help take the edge off and make it so I am not in bed crying because I feel like my body is killing me on the inside.

I sure hope all of you are doing well and having a lot of positive days. All of you are so kind and supportive. I know I should not stay away when I am down, but sometimes I just feel like I repeat myself over and over and I do not think anyone wants to here it.

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 5:12pm

((Big big hug))  Thank you for checking in, I was wondering how you were doing.  Just figured you were busy and got better and did not come to the board anymore.

WE DO WANT TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!!  You can repeat on here every day and that would be fine.  You know you are a smart person!

I am sorry things have not improved.  I cannot say I understand the physical pain, but I know our dear CL, Promise, will be able to respond to that.  I can say I wish I could make your pain go away.  I am so sorry.  I am not too far from you (I am in Nashville, TN) but I have been to Alabama, I hear you.  Are you a few hours from a bigger city your husband could take you to a clinic where maybe you could get in before October?  I am sure you already looked into that.

You probably remember I moved away from family and friends too and I struggled for years.  But, my husband job is here, as it sounds like the same for you.  Does he work the day shift?  I know I am home too (stay at home mom) and it is hard sometimes being home all day.  But, you can always come here and I will be checking for you and respond.  If you ever want to chat, we can meet on the Depression board in the chat room.  Just let me know.

Hey, you didn't not ask for advice, but I was thinking something.  Are you still interested in working with people whom may be struggling with substance abuse?  You would make a great CL, I think!!  Maybe that would help you feel a bit better, I just thought of you doing that.

They sell alcohol at The Dollar Tree there?!?!  Wow!!!!  I think our state abusing methophinidates has declined now that you have to provide identification to purchase many cold type medications.

I am thinking of you and hope maybe sending you a hug will at least put a smile on your face.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 08-03-2012 - 10:40am

Hi;

I was also thinking of you and wondering where you were?? It truly sucks that you are still in that situation and your husband loves it there but you dont.. That is very unfortunate because you are compromising your lively hood and happiness for someone else but like you said what can you do about it? I hate like you when I have to suck up or eat crow for other people but I do it until I can figure something else out.. I too hate where I live which is with family.. I truly hate it with a passion and think of ways out and some days they arent healthy ways out........... I dont even have a dish that is mine here to speak of..

Most days I pray so hard but I think God is tired of me but I keep praying and hoping for a miracle.. Maybe that is all we can do for a time. I knew a woman who lived in a place for 8 years that she hated.. 8 years is a long time to be miserable but she endured it.

I dont know much about chronic pain but I agree with Sunset.. maybe try and get into a doctor way before Oct. in a bigger city. I do get that down South there arent as many opportunities and it is a hard place to live.. Heck; I live in NY and there are atleast things to do and more opportunities and more help as its a big city.

Please stay strong and hang in there and hang onto the hope that things can change.. At some point something has to give right?

Take Care

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2006
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 6:24pm

Nashville is a few hours from me. I am north of AL and Chattanooga is like 35-45 minutes from me. Well yesterday, he said I was ungrateful. It hurt me so bad. How can HE say I am ungrateful when I am the one sacraificing my happiness. He said he was sorry, but that really hurt me and I am so angry about it.

The doctor I am seeing is in Huntsville AL, which is a big city. The doctors in my immediate area are very stupid, but Monday, I am calling a new primary care doc to see if she will help me. I guess if she does not, I will have to begin self medicating. It is not wonder the people in this area are drunks and druggies, they have no medical or mental health help. 

I am working on going to see my daughter in Texas. I did not want to live with her, but if things do not get better for me here, I may end up leaving my husband and moving on. I do not want to leave him, I love him. But I am not here to only make his life better. I appreciate all he does for me, but all I need is a way to go some place and it would be nice to find a friend. I called the suicide hotline and they could not even find a support group in this area, they were all an hour away or more. This town is a huge downer, no medical help, no fun, no mental health care, no support groups for anything....crazy!!!!

I have sufffered so much in my life, lost so many people I love, who are not passed on, there is no way I am going to spend the rest of my life here and in misery. I will get a gun and blow my head off,...literally. I am tired of things constantly getting worse. I am not dealing with isolation very well. I like being home, but not every day, every month, every day of the year, except to go get groceries. I have no idea why my husband does not get this. I guess I am suppoesed to live what ever life he lives and suck it up.

I am in a dark hole and I do not see any light as of yet, so my nerves are a mess and my anxiety high.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2006
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 6:29pm

He said to me, if I leave, I will regret it? I am not even sure what that means, but I took it as, he is the only man in the world who would be good to me and I have it better than I think....only because he has said this too me before. I do not see how I am going to regret it, but I know he will regret not doing more to get me out of this area.

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 2:15pm

((hug)) How soon can you get to TX by your daughter??  The sooner, the better, it sounds like.

Please do not purchase a gun, ok?  Please come here if your tempted and post.

I am sorry the suicide line was not helpful.  Have you tried:  1-800-SUICIDE  I think it is different from the one we always give out.  Not sure if it will help any.

Do you think he was threatening you by saying that you will regret it?  Do you feel scared of him?

I am thinking of you and please let us know when your heading to Texas.  Keep posting, please!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2006
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 6:30pm

I want to let all of you know, I am fine. I have been so sensitive from being in so much pain and not getting the proper care I need in Alabama. I am hoping when I get to the pain doctor on Oct. 9, he will help me. I have 2 more months to wait for that. I am going to visit my daughter on Aug, 25- Sept. 4, so I am hoping that will help pick my spirits up. I am sure it will and I am so excited about seeing my grandson. He is 2 and a half and he is talking more now. He will be so much fun.

I worked things out with my hubby. I just asked him to please be a little more patient with me. What he meant by "I will regret it" is he believes we are meant to be and we usually get along, but when we do not, we do not and things are said that should not be said. We both are senstive and lash out the wrong way, not that there is a good way to lash out.

Thanks for reading my posts. I am truly hoping things start to work out better here. My DH said he will do all he can to move me closer to a city, so I am not in the middle of no where, and with little doctors care. He wants to try and move us closer a city called Huntsville, but not too close where the cost of housing is too high, but close enough so I can drive there to go shopping and go to doctors. It is taking a lot of adjusting on my part. I am hoping we will be in our own home by Dec, so we will be there for Christmas. I miss having my own tree, but even more, our own place.

Love, peace and happiness to all of you!!!! I will be back to check in and I cannot wait to share how my visit with my daughter, grandson and SIL with all of you. Maybe I should put that on the depression board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 9:00pm

well that sounds good and you need to get a break and this is exactly what you need. Going to your DD;s and grandson should hopefully lift your spirits.. We all need a break from time to time ..  I notice if I dont go and visit a friend an hour away sometimes I get bored and tired and depressed.. I walk in a new area and visit some old haunts of mine and check out new things.. It def. picks me up a bit.. Now that I dont have money for a real vacation this helps...

Hope you are feeling better and after that who knows?? You could be in a new place and putting up your own tree. Lets all hope and pray and wish for that.

Its nice your hubby is on board.. So a good day all around .

Take Care

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2006
Mon, 08-13-2012 - 4:04pm

I am counting down the days to go visit my daughter. I am still having ups and downs from my pain, but I am trying to hold on until October until I see the pain doc. Someone my husband works with told him about a rheumotologist 45 minutes away that may be able to help me until I get to the pain doc. If he cannot help with pain meds, she said he should help with muscle relaxers and some other things to help stiffness and things like that.

I hope all of you are doing well and staying strong. We all have our battles. I wish we did not, but we do. I am glad I can come here to get support, kindness and understanding.