Was MIA...still not good!
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|Tue, 07-31-2012 - 10:27am|
Sorry I do not stop in as often as I should, but I feel I have nothing to offer here. My situation has not changed much. Some days I am ok and feel more positive and other days I crash and feel like ending it all. I keep hoping things will get better, but they do not. They keep getting worse. I am in chronic pain all the time with my fibro and I have no health care for it because the docs in Alabama, the town I live in now, does not want to help with pain medication. I also have spinal degeneration and spinal stenosis with bulging disks. I am trapped in the house all the time, because it is way to hot to walk and I have no car right now. My husband loves it here and loves his new job and I do not like it at all. I left Maryland where I had medical care at my finger tips. I had a therapist to talk to and could visit my family, Now I have none of that. There is a waiting list to see a psychotherapist here. I have an appointment with a pain doc on October 9th. It is crazy here. I feel like I moved to Hell !!!!
I am not sure I can live like this much longer and my husband is happy here. He does not need me pulling him down. He has to deal with my ups and downs and my pain issues all the time. I am not even sure why he would love someone like me. I have so little to offer. Even when I ask him why he loves me and what I offer him, he will not tell me. I believe it is because he knows I am nothing.
I never get to see my daughter and grandson. It has been a year and a half since I have seen them. They live in Texas. Neither of us have the money to travel, so is this how it is going to be forever? I do not have much hope at all at this point. I feel my life is one big joke! I struggled through college for years battling my bipolar and depression and once I reached my AA degree and could get my certification as a trainee substance abuse counselor, I ended up with so much pain and brain fog, I could not longer even concentrate on my studies. I fought hard the last couple semester. Now, I am in a state that does not help me, no resources, and believe me I have called all over the place. I have called the suicide hotline and I have gotten no where. I am very smart and no how to look for resouces and I had them in MD and not here in AL. It is like these people live in the dark ages or something. They do have alcohol in every single store, the dollar store, conveinent stores and all over the place and there is a lot of methamphetamine addicts here. I am sure they all become alcholics and druggies because that is all they have to get by in this horrible place.
I feel I deserve better than this, yet, I cannot take care of myself. I cannot work to get my own place and I am on disability, so I am at my husbands mercy and I have to do what it best for him, not what is best for me. So how am I supposed to handle this? I am miserable and I try to put on a happy face for him, but I am not being honest. I just sent him a text about how ,miserable I am here and he did not reply because he does not want to think about what is best for me as far as where we live. He has helped by getting me meds from a neighbor to help with pain on some days, but they are not strong enough to really touch my pain, however, they do help take the edge off and make it so I am not in bed crying because I feel like my body is killing me on the inside.
I sure hope all of you are doing well and having a lot of positive days. All of you are so kind and supportive. I know I should not stay away when I am down, but sometimes I just feel like I repeat myself over and over and I do not think anyone wants to here it.