dyk it's February and still having trouble

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Registered: 01-31-2001
dyk it's February and still having trouble
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Sat, 02-02-2013 - 9:00am
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Registered: 05-04-2003

dyk here we are -- Sean also ran -- he's the one taking this picture of me and my girlfriends

dyk all but the one in black are running the half marathon

MadsenFallSiggy3.png picture by jenniemadsen1

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Registered: 05-04-2003

dyk some of my friends are REALLY short -- in the pic the two in green are 5-1

MadsenFallSiggy3.png picture by jenniemadsen1

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Registered: 05-04-2003

dyk Ellie seems to REQUIRE plenty of time outside, so I've been taking her to the park to feed the ducks and play

dyk I take my camera b/c there is only so much duck feeding I can do before I'm bored

dyk she calls all animals like that and you know what? THEY COME!!! lol

MadsenFallSiggy3.png picture by jenniemadsen1

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Registered: 05-04-2003

dyk bedtime for the kids -- but I'llbe back in a few.

MadsenFallSiggy3.png picture by jenniemadsen1

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Registered: 05-04-2003

dyk this is the rest of the story behind the Surfside Shuffle 10K (BTW at the same time Elizabeth was running a 10K in 18degree weather..... lol)

Last week, on Wednesday and Thursday, Sean was… different. But the same. The same as in, his normal self, the man I married, free from bipolar disorder. I didn’t realize it until after the fact (as in Friday during the day) but he was easy to be around, I was naturally more drawn to him, sitting closer to him, touching him, talking more easily, laughing, and when the kids (mainly Ellie) did something funny, I didn’t plaster it all over Facebook; instead, I was waiting special for him to come home to share it with him.

I didn’t realize how much in the past two years (two years this March since he and Abi became sick) I had missed my husband in his natural state, and not sick.

And I let myself be happy about his “return.” Really happy about it.

But when he got home Friday…. it was gone. And I cried, in front of him when he asked me what was wrong. He had noticed that he had felt better during the mid-week but hadn’t realized it had had such an impact on me. Over the past two years I have not cried in front of him or shared too much (almost none really) of the impact his bipolar has on me because there’s nothing he could do about it, it wasn’t intentional or anything he had control over and adding to the pain he was dealing with just wasn’t conducive to healing for anyone.

But I was so sad to realize how much I missed him and to have a small time of having him “back” and then it was just gone and I felt empty and just sad.

And on Saturday, in mile 6 of the 10K at the beach, I pretty much had a complete meltdown. My sad turned to mad and then discouraged. And I discovered that being discouraged is dangerous and incredibly unpleasant.

I was discouraged by my race time, by the looks the guys on the ATVs that were “support and rescue” (ha!) were giving me (like, oh snap, this one’s going to need medical attention).  I was discouraged that I was next to last in the entire race with a girl who hadn’t trained really at all, her brother recovering from a knee injury and another friend who had just started training, all ahead of me and pulling away.

And I had prayed a prayer of discourage that sounded something like, “God, why am I not {getting} better at this?” (Actually, those were my exact words.)

And for the 3rdtime in my life, I heard the words of God directly to me: Because you don’t need to be better.

That answer infuriated me, because I want to be better. I want to go faster. And no matter how much I say I just want to finish…. that’s simply not true. I like to win. I generally don’t do things I’m not good at. And I don’t want to be last. Ugh! So then I start in with the… “If I’m never going to be better, then what am I doing? Augh!”

<No further reply>

He just left it at that: Because you don’t need to be better.

By the time Sean and Steph doubled back (after finishing) to run the last ¼ mile or so with me, I was basically fuming. And discouraged.

But then, there were a few glimpses of Sean’s normal self on Saturday evening, too.

Not enough to stop me as I wallowed in my discouragement for a day or two, and then after church on Sunday (where I was still so much in a snit that even the place where we ended up sitting didn’t satisfy me – because that’s the point of church right?) I started trying to just “get over it.”

Discouragement doesn’t sit well with me. It’s quite useless and time consuming and I am just not cut out for it.

It’s easy to distract yourself at my house with a husband and three kids to tend to, and today I put a little more effort into “getting over it” by trying to find joy in my housework.

And joy I did find.

When I was updating the charts for Sean and the kids, I noticed something: the evening directly before the two days of bipolar free normalcy was Sean’s 10 mile run. And then the small period of bipolar free normalcy on Saturday came directly after our 6 mile run on the beach.

(My view from the back of the pack after mile 1 of the race.)

And that’s when God’s word to me made sense. I wasn’t running for me. I wasn’t running for Him.

I am running for Sean.

Because in the past 2 years all attempts at getting him to exercise to help improve his depression and mood function have failed miserably… until I agreed to run the half marathon and he started training in support of me. Apparently, the figurative marathon we’ve been running for the past two years isn’t enough. I need to literally run a marathon for him.

And so that’s why I don’t need to be better. Because the race I’m running has nothing to do with mileage, or shoes, or power bars, or the time clock, or even finishing.

So much makes sense now, like why in the world would I agree to train for a half marathon? Every time I would be out running, I would think what am I doing? I am not a runner. This sucks. I’m not even losing that much weight and it’s hot. But for “some reason” I just kept running.

And now I know, (and am passing the wisdom on to you) when God says, “run,” you don’t ask “How far?” You just run and you keep on running.

No matter how slow you go.

MadsenFallSiggy3.png picture by jenniemadsen1

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Registered: 05-04-2003

dyk here is the invitation

dyk there are only 12 girls on the list (and a gay guy... more on that later)

Photo

dyk the theme is romantic rocker chick :-)

dyk so colors -- red, black, turquoise

dyk and Jessia loves music, plays and composes, and she loves ripped lace, burned edges, the pheonix bird (the feather) and she paints (so that's a piece of one of my paintings that the info is on) and then the pearl brad -- her engagement ring is a saltwater pearl with diamons around it, and then the stamp about being inscribed -- Jessia is very spiritual AND loves tatoos... hahah

MadsenFallSiggy3.png picture by jenniemadsen1

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Registered: 05-04-2003

dyk for Dek's 1st grade project to be auctioned off at the fundraiser, I am going to teach them to collage, they will each (19 students) do a small collage piece and then I am going to take those pieces and arrange them on mat board to be one piece of art :-)

MadsenFallSiggy3.png picture by jenniemadsen1

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Registered: 05-04-2003

dyk my mom is keeping my kids and Sean and I are both going up to dallas for the weekend of the shower

dyk so we'll get a date night in the city on Saturday

dyk I hope there's a good movie playing :-) There is a theater in dallas that we love to go too and we're going to eat in Jessia's restaurant

dyk Sean shamelessly leaves her $50 tips every time we go.

MadsenFallSiggy3.png picture by jenniemadsen1

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Registered: 05-04-2003

dyk in the romantic portion of the theme and the "lacy" portion, I am going to do her cake like this -- I think in a gradient of turquoise daker at the bottom and lighter up to the top (I am only doing one layer (not two liket he picture)

Photo

MadsenFallSiggy3.png picture by jenniemadsen1

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Registered: 05-04-2003
Thu, 02-07-2013 - 9:30pm

dyk I set the kids up on Saturday to watercolor to create a valentines day painting that we could cut up and make into cards (abstract like)

dyk and Abigail painted this:

Stormy Hearts

MadsenFallSiggy3.png picture by jenniemadsen1

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