Ungrateful Monday

Community Leader
Registered: 04-05-2002
Ungrateful Monday
11
Mon, 02-24-2014 - 7:30am

Okay, I need advice on whether I'm being ungrateful or practical.  The past couple of weeks, my husband has decided that not only do I need a few cakes (birthday and Valentines Day), but I need huge cakes so I can share w/ ski people.  Granted I don't mind sharing w/ ski friends but really I have no need to share cake w/ ski staff and development classes where I barely know the people. The last cake was on Saturday. Am I being ungrateful that he does it given that 1) he knows i watch what I eat and I've already told him I don't need multiple cakes in a short time frame (he's done this before for our family) and 2) he's spent close to $500 in two weeks on cakes to feed people I barely know/don't know as a gift to me?  Thanks for bringing cake that I now have to serve/plate/clean up after everyone.  Just go to Costco and get their cheap cake if you need.  Should I say something?  For $500, there's so much that I really want!  

Whining over, it was such a warm weekend of skiing and my legs are feeling tired. I need to schedule another massage.  I'm dressed to go ice skating which I haven't in a long time but the Olympics made me want to go back to it.  And, there was an article in the paper about older people skating and one woman learned to do doubles, after 50. I already do singles and my goal had been an axel. I thought I was too old for it, given how hard the ice is, but maybe not?  Hope you all had a good weekend!






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Community Leader
Registered: 04-05-2002
Thu, 02-27-2014 - 8:17am

Yeah, Jen (remember her, way back? Miss her being on the board) and I were talking about loving people but the way they want to be loved not the way you do.  So the Golden Rule isn't Do Unto Others what you would have them do unto you but how they want to be treated not how you want to be treated.  We deal w/ this in my own family where my father told us our mom might do the wrong thing (and usually does unfortunately) but whatever she does comes from a place of love.  Just ignore the comments and actions.






iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 02-24-2014 - 10:13pm

Reading Jean's and Happy's responses reminded me of one of the books my therapist had us read.  It's called the Five Love Languages.  In general, I hated the book but the message is good - it's essentially understanding that people give and receive love in different ways.  In this instance, it's cake.  I would imagine he knows your thought to maybe work in a bakery and perhaps that's why he thought it would be a nice thing.  

One of the hardest lessons I've learned about being married is that things that are obvious to me but not necessarily to anyone else.  Your hubby probably thought of it as a luxury.... like a massage or a decadent dinner. 

Community Leader
Registered: 04-05-2002
Mon, 02-24-2014 - 10:10pm

"Some people really are clueless about people who they know well."

Ding, ding, ding, that hit the nail on the head.  He's really just clueless and not romantic.  I do appreciate the practical side of him but when present time comes around, I just have to accept that it's going to be the opposite of what I've said I want, eg. in the past I say I don't want an iPod Nano so he gets me one, same w/ a Garmin watch, jewelry, roses.  I'm not easy to buy for and I'm actually fine w/ getting nothing.  But, what I have (and he has, too, because he won't return anything) is closets full of stuff w/ tags on them, tons of stuff over the years. I guess at least w/ cake, I give it away.  My husband doesn't really care to show others what he's gotten me but he is a giver and loves to spend money on others so the cake is a way for him to get me a gift and give to others.  Another part of this is that it's given everyone the idea that all we do is eat cake and they've joked about it! I'm a personal trainer, I want to show that I walk the walk, I believe in moderation so this isn't it.

Personally I think chocolate is fine, especially if you're in Paris!  And, scale weight is a poor way to measure health.  I know a lot of people who are overweight but have healthy lifestyles and are far healthier than people who are naturally thin but do nothing.






iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Mon, 02-24-2014 - 8:29pm
Jean,does your husband buy you presents that try toshow the world his feelings for you rather than buy you the things that wouldbe pleasing to you but more private? I think you have saidhebuys you jewelry that you don't wear. Gift giving is so filled with hidden meaning...some people buy what they would like. Some people really are clueless about people who they know well. If you want luxury items and get practical items, or vise eras, it's a disappointment. I am too late to influence your actions, but youhave said that your husband supports the fact that your work is more for your pleasure than financial contribution. I would try to. See that as a gift. And. If there are things you want, buy the for yourself, regardless of the cost. Then appreciate his gifts for what they say about him, not for what they say about you...and that is why I remain SINGLE. Karla, I amsosorry things are going badly. I recommend chocolate in allforms for stress..and that is why I remain..,OVERWEIGHT. FSN, I think Paris is the most wonderful city. My secret dream is to be proposed to in front of the Eiffel Tower. I was here once with a man I loved. Very much, but he didn't pop the question. Which is probably why I am...CHILDLESS. Cath, i am sorry your knee is acting up. Gymrat, i am sorry you aren't sleeping well. I hope the weekend was fun. I hope that in the immortal words of 'Scarlett O'Hara 'tomorrow will be a better day'. I went to the gym tonight and ran 3 miles in 41:05. My schedule and my trainers didn't mesh today, so no lifting,but I did a. Little abs. How any one runs 5 or10 or 26 or a hundred miles is beyond me....three is a stretch for me...I think it's been more than a year since Iran that much....
Community Leader
Registered: 04-05-2002
Mon, 02-24-2014 - 8:01pm

Thanks, everyone for the advice. I honestly think I suck at some aspects of being a wife.  I'm not sensitive and really don't need things to be coached for me, just tell me like it is. It wouldn't bother me in the least if he told me to lay off of whatever I bought him. The problem is he is super sensitive so we have such a role reversal in our family.  So I told him, in the wrong way (as in, well as I told you the last time you did this...) and now he's upset but he doesn't ever express himself so he just pouts.  I should have said I don't care if he wants to bring cake in for everyone to share, just don't do it as a gift for me because it's nothing I want.

GR, hope you get some rest, although Costco isn't it!  I do love the samples, though!

FSN, Maui sounds great. How old is ss again?  Does he need help w/ it?  It's such a frustrating process that I needed help w/ it all.  I do think Paris, just you and your daughter sounds like a great plan.

Karla, sorry to hear about all the stresses in your life!  Hope all goes well w/ your granddaughter--it must break your heart to see her go through it all.  Could you do something like yoga or walk, get a massage instead of working out hard? It would be a bummer to hurt yourself. Karla, I need to take lessons from you on appreciating your husband.  I just get annoyed, like he's just ignoring my wishes. It used to be the running joke that I knew what I was getting for a present because it would be just what I said I didn't want.

Cat, sorry about your knee. Are you in physical therapy? There are exercises that can help that, ones that won't aggravate it.

Elc, I love Costco cake. I wish he'd just do that!  I hate having my eyes dilated, too.  I pay a lot for the optimap where they take a picture of the inside so I don't have to have the dilation.






Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 02-24-2014 - 3:46pm

Jean, I think you are being practical. And for that much $$ I would feel like I had to say something. Like the others said, you need to be gentle with how you approach it but I agree with the explanation you gave here. With my dh it helps to be specific about what I like/want and don't want--like "I want the 8" vanilla layer cake from XYZ Bakery". I actually do love the Costco carrot cake but their cakes are so big and rich that we only get it if there are 20 or more guests.

Cath, hope your knee improves. Does it help to wear a brace or tape?

Karla, sending P&PT for your granddaughter. Poor little thing, I hope that the surgery was successful and she recovers quickly. Does the doctor think the seizure was a one-time thing or will she have to take meds for it? How scary. Please take care of yourself too.

FSN, nothing like confronting mortality to make us appreciate life! GR, is it allergy shots that you are getting?

I'm just puttering around the house today, hopefully will work on the taxes for a while. Dh and I had an 8am opthamologist appt today, I let him dilate my eyes---bad move. My eyes are still extremely sensitive to light and for some reason that's making me queasy. Since its a bright sunny day I can't go outside to exercise or do anything else. I feel like just going back to bed even after 2 cups of coffee. Weird.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 02-24-2014 - 1:33pm

Karla, just wanted to send my sympathies.  Perhaps it would be a good idea to make a list of alternative coping strategies you could employ if your body needs to rest...  just remember that if you don't let your body heal, it will force you to rest with an injury. 

And Cath, sorry about your leg.  That's awful.  

Hugs and calorie-free martinis all around.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2014
Mon, 02-24-2014 - 12:14pm

Wow, it seems like it has been a rough weekend for me also.  Sorry to hear Karla's bad news and I can only add to it by saying that I can barely walk.  My patellofemoral tracking problem is so bad that I could barely shlep around my swollen leg all day yesterday.  It is a vicious circle: it seems to need exercise but the worse it is the less I can exercise it and the crankier I get because I can't lose a pound.  I am off to the doctor today.  I suspect some arthritis is at the root of it because really, I am not a runner.  But not being able to walk well is difficult and yesterday we went to see my husband's band and everybody was dancing (mostly people in their 60's and 70's) and there I was, sitting at the table trying to figure out how far it was to the bathroom and whether I could make it all right.  Feeling sorry for myself but really, my problems are light compared to most.  Sorry for all the suffereing of your granddaughter, Karla.  And I hope that your DH gets his health back on track and that it's nothing scary.  jean, I agree, that is a lot of money for cake that you don't want to deal with.  I would gently broach that one.

cath

Community Leader
Registered: 04-07-2008
Mon, 02-24-2014 - 11:52am

Good Monday everyone. I don't even know where to begin with how bad my weekend was. My granddaughter's surgery was much more extensive than they thought it was going to be. She is in horrible pain and they were giving her maximum doses of pain meds but needed her to be alert so she had to suffer. She has been angry, whiney, irritated and has been shouting, screaming and crying. She had a seizure Saturday night over the stress and pain. The seizure sent her parents over the top. Her mom shut down and was like a zombie and her dad was combative. I finally was able talk him down but it was just all over bad. Things were a little better yesterday and she is at home today and doing much better. I am going to their house here in a little while to help out so my daughter-in-law can get some rest. What a nightmare!

In the mean time, one of my husband's co-workers came down with an illness last Monday that everyone thought was a bad cold and cough. She died last night from an infection that shut down her organs. My husband is at the doc today because he has a bad cough and cold and we need to make sure she didn't have something contagious. He hasn't been able to see the granddaughter because we are too scared he might have something that she can't fight off. 

I think I have told you all I tend to over exercise when stressed and I have really put in the mileage this weekend due to stress. My body is sore all over especially the top of my hips from pounding so much pavement. I need to take a day or two off but I can't see myself doing that with things being so stressful. 

Ugg. I hate being Debbie Downer but I needed to vent. 

Jean, my husband does stuff like that. I have learned to appreciate the fact he cares enough. I know that is a lot of money on cake but it really is a nice gesture on his part. 

Hopefully I will have a much better post tomorrow. 

Karla
Community Leader
WALKING
EXERCISE and HEALTHY LIVING

Community Leader
Registered: 09-25-2003
Mon, 02-24-2014 - 9:39am

I agree with GR..."It's really sweet..."  pun intended.  :P  I would explain exactly what you posted here to him, but in gentler words since men's egos are so frail.  His intentions are good, so validate that, but explain to him that it's more work for you which you don't appreciate.  :(

An axel?!  Ouch on the joints.  My legs are sore, too, but from yoga.  That pose #3 in the T position (why can't I ever remember the names?) for long periods of time kills me!  Linedancing Friday night was SO MUCH FUN!  I learned a couple new dances, too, to teach my friend on Wednesday night.  I also work with my manager tomorrow, so hopefully he will be nice so that I don't have to have many more difficult conversations with him.

I booked our Maui trip for June.  I really wanted to go to Europe, but my lazy stepson just won't get his passport, despite two years of asking him.  Passive aggressive?!  YES!  But my plan (maybe) is take dd on a European cruise in the off season where we can go fashion shopping in Paris for the closeout sales.  DH won't be happy, but he has never taken any interest in Paris with me, despite five years of asking him.  So Paris will be "for the girls."  DD wants to save up a load of money so she can spend it.  :)  In learning that my cousin has only a year to live (he has cancer), I am feeling like really enjoying life.  Noone knows when their time is up, so make the most of it!!!  I have lived my life always saving, always fearing what is around the corner.  I've decided that it is not working for me, so I am going to have some fun.  I also decided to go see my mom this coming weekend so that I can go to a yoga intensive and west coast swing class the next weekend.  Poor DH is stuck at home, working on the house, wanting me to stay home with him, but I want to DO FUN ACTIVITIES.  Hopefully, this vacation can bring us together a bit more.  :D

Today is a rest day.

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