Making time for friends/ making new friends/keeping the old

Community Leader
Registered: 04-05-2002
Making time for friends/ making new friends/keeping the old
12
Tue, 06-10-2014 - 7:56am

Friendships are so important to healthy living as Sj and I were talking about below.  Do you make new friends easily? Do you have a group of friends you hang out with regularly?  How close are you to older friends?

I've been thinking the past few months about friends/friendships.  We've moved around a lot and I've lost touch w/ older friends, other than on FB which is nice but not the same as hanging out.  I don't have any older friendships (I'm thinking of a friend of mine who went on a big Caribbean trip w/ high school friends because they're all turning 50 this year).  My new friends are all associated w/ activities, eg. my running friends, my skiing friends, my parkour friends, my silks friends, etc.  But what I'm really missing ia one group of close friends where we all know each other well and just hang out. I do go out w/ friends from different activities, other than doing the activity but not often. I feel like we're all so busy w/ our own lives and family that we don't do it enough.  What about all of you?  






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Community Leader
Registered: 09-25-2003

Do you make new friends easily?  Yes and no.  If I "connect" with the person, I make the friendship quickly.  But, in general, no, because I have grown much more cautious about people.  I find that there are few people I want to be friends with.  I have gotten much more selective in my old age with whom I want to hang out with.  I am much more activity-based these days, and I would prefer to do what I want to do, and if someone wants to accompany me, great, but if not, I am fine being on my own.  I am going to a quilt convention with art/quilt classes all by myself next week.  I didn't even ask anyone if they wanted to go with me.  :P

Do you have a group of friends you hang out with regularly?  No.  I think Malcolm Gladwell wrote a book on "connection," and proximity is one of the criteria.  Currently, I seem to be out of the ordinary in age group/children's ages in my area, so I just don't have that much in common with them.  Same thing at work.  I have friends that I get together with once in a while from all over - from the last city I lived in, from where I grew up (where my mom is), some who have moved away.  When we get together, it's like we never parted, but our lives are taking differenct paths.  Again, it seems activity-based.  I was just invited to a 4th of July party at my girlfriend's lakehouse, but I see her 1 - 4 times a year.  :O

How close are you to older friends?  Close and not close.  I am "there" for them in a heartbeat if they need me, but, again, our lives are taking different paths.  When we get together, we are close emotionally, but not physically in proximity.

I guess I am sort of a loner.  My daughter has mentioned, "you need a close girlfriend."  Yes, that would be nice, but I am not in search of them.  I think I am too busy with my own activities - taking care of my mom, my family, my dog, work, art, dance, etc.  I am of the thought that friends come and go, weave in an out of my life as their paths converge and part.  It's all good.  :D

Community Leader
Registered: 04-05-2002

Wow, your post describes me perfectly. I get excited when I meet people I bond with quickly.  I can't be bothered w/ people I don't anymore and I'm not doing the hang out w/ other moms just because our kids do the same activities anymore.  I could probably use closer friends but am happy w/ what I have and am happy doing activiites alone.  One problem w/ having different groups of friends is if I want to have a get together-do I invite them all? I don't have a close group to limit it to but I don't want not to invite everyone who hangs out in that group.  Not a bad problem to have, overall.






iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004

Do you make new friends easily? Do you have a group of friends you hang out with regularly?  How close are you to older friends?

The first question is tough.  Sometimes I am in the mood to meet new people and socialize and other times, not so much.  I am pretty cautious about initiating new friendships because I've been burned many times.  

I do have a group I spend time with regularly.  It's myself, DH, OP, best friend, sometimes best friend's boyfriend, and another friend.  When we schedule outings, we put them on the calendar as "Family Outings" because we think of ourselves that way.  It's funny...  my friend is gorgeous - she's a mix of phillipino and spanish and she DOES NOT emote (unless she's inebriated).  For a long time, I didn't know if she liked me but nowadays, if it's been a couple weeks, she'll email us all and say she misses her favorite people and we need to schedule something.  

I am not super close to older friends.  I am still in contact with a girl I met when we were 12 but she's turned into something of a holy roller and has told me on various occasions that I'm going to hell.  We don't have much in common anymore.  I had a high school best friend and we are still in contact via FB and I always see her when I visit my family.  It's kind of neat because when we get together, I feel 16 again but then it's this weird realization that she's 40 and I'm pushing 40.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004

Meant to put this in my earlier post...  I used to be friends with a girl who is still around in our circles.  We used to be pretty close but she has some personality characteristics that I don't enjoy and have limited patience with.  DH, OP and I have kinda backed away in recent years and we don't see her much anymore.  

I saw her at a work party for the noodle project and she said she missed us and felt replaced by non-emoting Philipino friend.  I felt kind of bad so I have tried to invite her to things.  Every time, she's blown me off.  And then, she harrassed OP about not being invited to his birthday dinner.  Finally, she organized a kayaking weekend up north and didn't invite us.  OP LOVES to kayak so I was offended on his behalf that she left him out.  

I am really struggling with this girl right now.  She wants to be invited to everything and then when she isn't, I think she "gets back" at us by blowing us off when we do invite her or organizing things and not inviting us AND making it a point to tell us about them.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-25-2003

lol.  I have always had that same problem of wanting to invite all of my friends from different groups, but reallizing that they don't all mix well, and are uncomfortable with each other.  Therefore, parties are more for a particular "kind" of friend, if that makes sense.

GR, no wonder you have backed off of that one gf.  She sounds vindictive and petty.  As I told my daughter, people exhibit bad behavior due to insecurities and low self esteem.  It's annoying, but inevitable with some people.  :(

Community Leader
Registered: 04-05-2002

GR< with all the outings you have, I always thought you had a large group of close friends.  I think I've gotten too old to deal w/ drama these days. There is a lot I'm fine with but when people get passive aggressive and start acting high school, I just stop hanging out with them.  As much as I say I'm not mature enough to stop doing activities that I enjoy but where I might be injured, I'm mature enough to step away now.  Filipina friend sounds cool--I've had friends who I think don't care for me but I'm misreading them.






iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004

I don't think I could be close with a large group of people.  For as open as I am about a lot of things, I really am a pretty private person.  I suppose you could say that there's my inner circle (the group I mentioned earlier), and then there are outer rings of friends we hang out with.  There are several levels of those and then there are a fair number of people I like but only see at parties.  This might sound awful but I kind of feel like I have enough friends and don't have the need to meet new people and/or make more.  Sometimes I find it hard to keep up with it at all (especially when I have periods like the last couple of weeks when I don't feel well and just hate everyone in general).  On top of that, I have two very long distance friendships (Brazil and Austrailia) so those can be time consuming as well.  

Community Leader
Registered: 04-07-2008

How interesting I see this subject after posting something about friends below. lol I do not have any in person friends though I do stay in contact with a group of girls from my childhood. We do not live near each other but do get together from time to time.

My family members are my only friends. I have several acquaintences that I see and talk to but no real friends. For years I was basically isolated from everyone because I was a stay-at-home-homeschooling mom. My family did not attend church on a regular basis. There was no where for me to meet people. 

Now that I no longer am tied down to small children and have a job outside my home I am beginning to branch out some. My gym is my complete social life and I'm starting to try to get to know people a little better and do a few things here and there with a few other women. It's not that I don't make friends easy; I just didn't have time for friends in the past. Now I am trying to make time because I am honestly lonely. 

Karla
Community Leader
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Community Leader
Registered: 04-05-2002

I would love to have a close group of friends. Don't get me wrong, I love my activitiy friends and have a great time w/ them but when I would like my closest friends to do something special, I have no idea who to invite and chances are they wouldn't know each other.  And, when you have friends like that they have their own close circle.  It's not a big deal as much as it's something I've been thinking about lately w/ my big birthday year. At the same time, if I don't want to do something by myself, I have a wide variety of friends and can almost always find people to do something with.






Community Leader
Registered: 04-05-2002

The awesome thing for you is that you have family in the area, a very close family and it's good sized. I think it is one of those SAHM things. And while I did have moms I talked to when my kids were young, I never clicked that much with most of them. It's small talk so you didn't miss much real socializing friendship by home schooling.  I get what you mean about when kids get older and you start looking to expand your world. My running friends and I have talked about that. How when they're young, they have to be the center of your world because they require so much care. As they get older, you can slowly start expanding and eventually, they're part of your world but you have your own life.  






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