Slipping into Thursday

Community Leader
Registered: 04-05-2002
Slipping into Thursday
13
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 8:23am

I'm so ready for this week to end and it's only going to be a three day work week.  My husband's 50th anniversary party is this Saturday. I don't know if I've talked about it but it's been driving me crazy on what to do for him, since I want it to be something he wants, too. My first thought was renting a house in the Shenandoah for the weekend for family and friends. Thankfully, we didn't do that because we'd probably be in two feet of wet snow, no electricity.  We decided to go w/ a Chinese banquet.  What's been bothering me, and maybe you all can add some perspective, is that I really try hard to do what he would like.  It takes a lot of time and effort because he has no idea or is indecisive. But, when it comes to my things, he just haphazardly throws things together, most often things I have no interest in (Let's take mom to the air and space museum...) and buys me things I've said repeatedly I don't want. It's become a running joke that I know I'm going to get what I've just said I don't want ("I don't want the garmin, I think it's too clunky"  and that's what I get). Most recently for our anniversary he gave me jewelry...again. I've told him repeatedly I don't wear jewelry, but he doesn't seem to care/listen. Ugh. Maybe I just needed to vent because I have thousands of dollars worth of junk I've never used.  What do I do with a $150 book on the history of calligraphy??? So, this banquet is fine, it'll cost a lot but it's his 50th and it's what he wants. I just know when mine comes around, I'll get something like a golf outing.  And, yes, I've tried lists. It doesn't work. I gave him a list of purses I wanted from a certain store.  He went to the store, ignored the list and bought me something else, that doesn't work well for me. Am I being ungrateful?

Anyway, that aside, I'm teaching step this morning. I've choreographed a conditioning routine to Gangnam Style for the dance girls to do for parents observation week next month.  No jazz class and I'm thankful because I need a break. Oh, and I have one client I have to travel for an hour for.  I'm in a whining mood because the boss called me into a meeting w/ this new client and told me she wanted me to do one session a week for the next month w/ her on functional exercises.  Then it comes up that it's far away. I can't back out at that point, not in front of the client.  Ugh, so I'm doing this for a month.    My boss has to travel even farther to take her but that's her choice to accept her as a client. I think they could hire a trainer to do something that far away.  I'm obviously just in a pissy mood.






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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 8:39am

Jean, I totally understand where you're coming from.  I too would have hurt feelings and be frustrated.  Perhaps it's time to escalate from the casual conversation to the sit-down "I need to talk to you" variety.  Avoid making him feel defensive by using "I" statements and close with a plan that you would like.  Maybe you buy your own gifts for yourself.  Maybe he promises to stick to a list.  Maybe he could enclose the receipt so you can return whatever atrocity he gets you and get something you want instead.  See if he can tell you why he makes the purchases he does and discounts your preferences.  Good luck and let us know what happens.  

Also, I think it was unfair to ask you to commit to training someone in front of that person without realizing until afterward how far you'll have to go.  If nothing else, this is a teaching moment where you develop a habit from now on to ask about distance first.  Hope you feel better today.  *hugs*  

Today is my Friday - woo!  I've got an early client today and then two more this afternoon.  Planning to do cardio intervals after my first one.  I'm spending the weekend with OP since we haven't seen much of each other in the last month.  

Also, Karla, my "full screen" is showing when I don't have my browser maximized so that is progress.  Still not having much luck with the subscribe function but I'll try again as soon as I post this.  

Breakfast: protein shake, latte 

Snack: ? 

Lunch: broccoli, ?  

Dinner: going out

Community Leader
Registered: 04-07-2008
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 9:41am

Oh boy, you've just touched on one of my biggest pet peeves; what my husband gets me as far as gifts. He always runs out and buys me clothes. Now we've been together for 28 years and he knows that I'm a very odd size and don't like his taste in clothing but  it never fails that he will buy me something HE likes and HE thinks should fit me. His excuse is always the exact same: It looked good on the mannequin and you are about the same size as a mannequin. Grrr! Over and over I tell him that first of all, I am at least 5 inches taller than most mannequins. Second of all I am well over 40 and not wearing some gosh awful outfit that a 16 year old would wear if her mother forced her too. And I never, never, never would wear 4 inch yellow high heels if my life depended on it. On the very rare occasion that he finds something that I might like, it is always too small. I've gotten to the point where I am considering retaliating by buying him ridiculous clothing that I know he wouldn't wear in a size I know won't fit him. I don't get why I know his sizes but he can't ever "remember" what size I am. Grrr-see, you've hit a nerve with me. LOL 

I don't think you are being ungrateful, I think your husband isn't putting enough effort into your gifts. I know if you are anything like me, you are putting a lot of thought into what you get him. You would think they would show the same effort. 

Karla
Community Leader
WALKING
EXERCISE and HEALTHY LIVING

Community Leader
Registered: 04-07-2008
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 9:46am

Gym, I'm seeing some things happening today on the boards so someone must be able to work again. Many of the iVillage staff members who have power are working from home because they can't get to the city. I don't have any recent updates but hope to get something today. 

Karla
Community Leader
WALKING
EXERCISE and HEALTHY LIVING

Community Leader
Registered: 04-05-2002
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 3:06pm

Hmm, the "I need to talk" type talks always seem to set the stage for his being defensive. I don't know if it's me and how I say it or him.  I do joke about it and he laughs so he does see that it's happening. Usually he takes it back and I get nothing, but there are times when he forgets, or I feel bad asking again.  I should just suck it up that he's a bad gift giver and I should get what I want.  I don't know if any of you watch Life after Top Chef but there's one chef, Richard Blais, who gives his wife a purse and he talks about how he's a bad gift giver. You can just see how his wife doesn't like the purse but is trying to be nice about it; and we know it'll end up back at the store. His next shopping expedition is for a chef's knife and his friend keeps commenting about how bad of an idea that is.  That's like my husband!

The training thing is an issue.  I left the class I was teaching at 10:30 and got home, after training this person, after 2.  That's just way too much time for a 45 minute client, even if they pay pretty well. I wouldn't do it for a few clients in a row.  I sent her an email telling her that.  I don't want to be the diva instructor and some trainers do do that but I can't.






Community Leader
Registered: 04-05-2002
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 3:09pm

I think that's exactly what it is--he wants to "find" me the perfect gift and have me say, "That's the best gift ever..."  Ha, but if that were to happen, he'd have to listen to what I say, and not what he THINKS I might need. I've told him it would be like my getting him golf stuff that I think is a cute color.  

Good luck with your new boss.  Give him a chance! Just because he's asian doesn't mean he'll fit your stereotype. Unless, you start treating him like your stereotype and then he reacts in kind. I've never had a problem w/ Asian males.  But, I'm kind of in your face.






Community Leader
Registered: 04-05-2002
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 3:12pm

Ooh, it's like we're married to the same guy!  My husband buys me night shirts from Victoria's Secret.  Nothing special, but he's given me a few. They're all HUGE. I have to hold them open w/ my arms waaayyy out. When my daughter was little, I'd pull her in with me and we'd play Two Headed Monster.  I've asked him if he looks at them and thinks, "Yeah, my wife is that size." because it's like one of those Before and After shots where the person has lost over 100 lbs and is holding up old clothes.






iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 10:41pm

Gifts are emotionally charged because they seem like a reflection of how the other person sees you...and when they buy something that isn't 'you', I think it makes you feel like they don't really know you.  When I was growing up, gifts were often things we needed, and a this point in my life, if there is anything I need (or want) I just buy it.  I know that makes buying gifts for me hard.    Some of the best gifts I've received were from my nephews...a favirite is a pair of purple socks - chosen by a three year old nephew when he say them in the store 'because Aunty's favorite color is purple'  I usually wear black or white, but I wor out those purple ones.  It must be hard on both sides - for the giver and the receiver - in a relationship if the gift is 'carefully' chosen and not what is wanted...

I have had the most annoying vacation...I origianlly though (for about five minutes) of goig to Canyon Ranch, but I decided I could have a good week at home.  But I have been sulking over things that are no one's fault, (like the Hurricane) and some technology idiocy...I really think we have automated ourselves into annyance.  Today I had to call the Celtics to get my password reset so I could print tickets (and the person on the other end said' what did the website say to do to reset your password - ummmm CALL THIS NUMBER? - after a try with the website and two phone calls 'for total annoyance, press 1, ojust get cut off, push 2' to find out why my mother's tax refund didn't arrive - and they couldn't tell me because I am not her (and she can't call because...she's dead)....then my banl called to say that my debit card is compromised...I called back and that was another 'push this...hold...transfer... deal. And no bank card for a week... I have a printer here but I've never hooked it up to this pc - I usually print at work..so I went over tonight to print tickets and submit an expense report...and I couldn't login to the network from the printer to email the receipt...which didn't matter because the expense account applicaton was having server issues...and those are only the technical annoyances...

Anyway, I did go to the gym, swam 100 laps, then lifted....oh and biked, but they moved the bikes...why? who knows.  I think there is a part of my that is just unable to process change...

So Jean - sorry about your gift dilemma...Karla - you too.  FSN - you do an awesome job.  If this company fires you, you will find another awesome jib...and you will still stress, because that is just how perfectionists are.  Gymrat - you win the most normal boardie award today...

Community Leader
Registered: 09-25-2003
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 8:47am

SJ, I am literally Laughing Out Loud from your post, on SO MANY fronts - your technical obstacles that you experienced are like mine in so many ways!  It's as if there is a candid camera behind the scenes, just seeing how far they can push you before your head pops off in an explosion.  :O

And your comment about stress because that's the way I am...so true...I had a customer tell me I have OCD because I told him that in response to my medical "numbers", I lost weight, changed my eating patterns, exercise vigorously, and, now, even alter my food eating order (a recent study shows that it can impact your glucose levels).  Of course, he shared that he has had severe anxiety, too, over other things (yes, behavioral "issues" have good and bad consequences.)

Anyways, THANK YOU for your refreshing post.  :D

Community Leader
Registered: 09-25-2003
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 9:18am

First, vent away!  That's what the boards are for.  :D  Second, I agree with gymrat. You have four choices - 1.  accept him the way he is an do nothing, 2. take control and tell him you will buy your own gift, 3.  talk to him and try to get him to change, or 4.  a combination of the former choices.

I agree with you - presents are supposed to be heartfelt and what the other person wants.  Perhaps his motivation is to get you something that you didn't know you really wanted?  For example, I would NEVER have bought myself an iPad (for various reasons), but dh got me one and I LOVE it.  Maybe that's what your dh is hoping?!  

I think it is so great of you to do the latest gangnam style choreography.  I had to do a youtube search to find out what it is - is it a style of dance and/or music?  I saw that guy on SNL last weekend...so funny because I don't think he is a very good dancer.  :P

So many work changes...still no manager, that manager's manager is someone I have never met/known/seen, uncertainty about what that means for me.  I have more anxiety about the unknown than the known.  Is it odd, but I have a bad feeling... :O

Work today, pup training tonight.  No workout - no time. Oh!  I had lunch with an acquaintence yesterday.  It was SO REFRESHING!  We have so much in common, and I've always felt a "connection" with her, so I gave her a big hug at the end of lunch.  :)  Hugs are unlike me.  :P

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 9:24am
I do understand how the formal we-need-to-talk thing can put someone in a defensive headspace. Maybe an email? Or maybe when the two of you go to bed at night, it could be a casual "Hey, can I tell you something?"

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