Life in a Fog
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|Sat, 07-12-2014 - 8:21pm|
I was abused from birth by family members and then by my husband, from whom I finally escaped. I have had a few other very traumatic things happen in my life as well.
Because I know I have talents and expect a lot of myself, for years now I have completely cut myself off from all my old friends and make myself anonymous and untraceable. That is, my life was hell with my abusive husband and I felt like a failure. Forget about being on Facebook, except anonymously.
I have had some career successes, and was offered scholarships and the like for my creative abilities. Yet I am unable to create. I am blocked.
The one thing I enjoy is travel. After I left my husband (who was very dangerous), I never stopped traveling (always with a little dog by my side). I have not had a permanent home in a long time now. The problem is I am seriously running out of money. I have a small amount I get each month from freelance work, but my savings are almost gone.
My husband (who was also a drug addict) used up most of my money, and also badly ruined my credit. I can't really rent easily here in the US, and have only been living in sublets. In Europe I don't have to worry about my credit rating and I have dual nationality so I could live there. Problem is I have huge amounts of stuff in storage spaces in 2 states here in the US (one is 8x10 and crammed full of boxes, the other is smaller), a full small storage space in the UK, and another enormous one full of family furniture in Germany. I've inherited all this from family members who passed away.
I can barely get through any of the stuff I have here---a lot of lifting heavy boxes in an unairconditioned unit, and it takes too much time. I don't know what to do with the stuff in Germany. There are a lot of antiques, but they've been there so long they might be no good by now. I can't look at them because they are in air tight containers---cheaper than regular storage (for an 8 room house of furniture +).
I'm getting older (and I'm freaked out by it, even though people think I'm much younger), and travel is the one pleasure I have. I can hardly afford it much anymore, but staying put in these dreary, depressing (cheapest I could find that accept pets in an ok neighborhood) sublets just feels like such a waste of life. It's not a standard of living that makes me happy (I grew up with a very high standard of living), and I get depressed. So I have to keep traveling.
I'm afraid of being broke, but I don't know where to settle down. I don't know how to drive so I have to live in cities. I'm planning to learn to drive, but I have to replace a lost SS card, then get a learner's permit, and lessons are so expensive. I live in cities and I hate large crowds. I also find it unbearable to commute on public transport with such intense crowding. I literally get a physical reaction from it all. I'm going to learn to drive. I'm getting my SS card soon to start, but it's just so hard for me to get myself to do things. Procrastination is a problem for me.
So now I have the chance to travel again at the end of the summer. It's my only true pleasure (besides my dog and reading and learning and movies). But it's so expensive. I'm geting old, I'm hitting major age milestone soon. Should I go for the good experiences while I'm still young (ish)? Or should I be miserable and buckle down (to what I'm not sure) when I'm just going to get old and die anyway. Should I cancel my travel plans and stay in this crappy sublet? And do what? It's going to be hell to repair my credit.
I've been thinking I should go to law school or something---looking for that Golden Ticket. But I can't because of my credit and an unpaid loan. I would be hard to live here because of my credit. In Europe that wouldn't be a problem, but I don't know. I'm worried about the real possibility of terrorism there (I was near ground zero on 9/11). I don't know if I want to live there. I want to be in both Europe and the US, but I can't afford it. Besides I need to settle down, but I don't know where or how. I don't even want to have to admit my age to anyone. I don't feel that age at all, or look it, and I feel humiliated and hate having to reveal it, because as soon as people know the number they take a different attitude. They discriminate.
I just don't know what to do now, or what to do with my life, the rest of my life.
Some might say theray. I had bad experiences with that in the past. One supposedly respectable male doctor tried to molest me. And the other 2 that I tried seemed to be more in need of therapy than I was, whako.
Others might say, what about your love life? Well after esaping my husband I've been running like hell from men. I get approached, I'm still attractive, but I need someone special who is not self-involved or vain or patronizing or dominating. I just run right now. It's just me and my doggie.
I want to adopt a child or two before I get too old. But with my life so unsettled, I don't know how that's going to happen.
I don't know how to find out what to do with my life, where to go, where to live...