Living with a wonderful man in a city I HATE

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Living with a wonderful man in a city I HATE
Wed, 05-14-2014 - 11:38am

I  am not certain if this is the appropriate forum for this discussion or not.  I have had a long distance relationship with a man for the past 6 years.  A year and a half ago I decided to take the plunge and move in with him in Tallahassee.   He has a great job and owns a nice house downtown.  I was able to  get a good job here in town.  It seemed llike a dream.  I had moved from the Sarasota are which is pretty much a tropical paradise.  Tallys is not.  It's either 90 degrees or freezing cold.  The crime rate is through the roof -- I have had 2 major crimes occur within a block of my office at FSU and one next to my home.  The entire community is geared towards football and catering to drunken college students.  Two decent restaurants, subpar medical care, drunken destructive kids, graffiti and low level invalidism, gang violence, it's just a nightmare.  Forbes magazine actually voted it the 8th most dangerous city in the  country!!!! Two days ago there was a shootout on campus which resulted in one person dying on the street.  Right next to my office.  I just am at the end of my rope with this city. I took some sick time because I was afraid to go back ito the office.  I haven't made many friends because I can't have any in depth conversations with folks who are raising kids here with saying OMG, take the kids and RRUUUUNNNNNN, don't go to that quack Dr. because he had an open rash container with a bloody swap in ht in his treatment room, etc.

Does anyone else live somewhere that they hate?  Do you have any suggestions about how to cope?  I have spoken to the Mr. about moving.  He is looking at a five year plan MAYBE.  But I feel like to have to leave NOW.  I started drinking a ton to cope and then stopped that and started stress eating.  I am on xanax now which helps me get through the day.  But one of these scary episodes happes and I am back to suare one.  I am considering just packing up my bags and going back home to New England.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Wed, 05-14-2014 - 1:03pm

How can you cope in a city that sounds to be completely and utterly awful, you don't, you move!  I thought I had it bad moving from MA to CT, but it's nothing compared to what you described.  Is your man from there originally, and so he's just used to it all?  That he is only willing to think about a 5 year plan to move elsewhere is not a good sign.  I don't see this as being the right situation for you, perhaps you could move and have a LDR again, and then see how things progress. 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Wed, 05-14-2014 - 10:51pm

During the SIX (6) years you were in a relationship with this man, before you moved to his city, didn't you spend time there with him?  Didn't you spend 5 minutes on the internet, finding out what kind of city it was?  And regardless of the kind of city it is, alcoholism and obesity are neither effective, nor usual and customary, responses to stress.  Your problems are yours, not his.  And I suspect they do NOT have all that much to do with the temperature, the lack of restaurants, or the crime rate.

Asking him to give up his NICE home, which he had apparently had for a while,  and his GREAT job, is not only short-sighted, it is selfish.  Blaming him because he doesn't drop everything in his life, because you didn't look before you leaped, is also selfish.

Counseling would be the best answer here, not to necessarily help you cope, but to help you understand why you have made the rash and counter-productive choices you have made, and to help you make better ones.  Even if you do finally choose to leave, I would still recommend counseling.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Fri, 05-16-2014 - 6:59pm

Like the previous poster, I'm surprised that you didn't know what Tallahassee was like before you moved there. During 6 years of dating you must have spent some time there, and you'd been living in the state of which its the capital and what happens there must have been in the news sometimes. And its a college town in the South---the reputations of football-and-alcohol loving precede them. 

Anyway you're there now, and your SO seems happy and settled and its understandable that he doesn't want to uproot his established life if HE doesn't feel like there are big problems with the city. If you want to make it work with him then you need to find some coping mechanisms. Obviously drinking and overeating are not good. Maybe some other outlets. Do you go to the gym or some other type of strenuous exercise? Have you discussed an anxiety disorder with your doctor?  I don't understand the part about can't make friends. You work at a research university, there must be some people there who can have an intelligent conversation. How about groups for staff and professors like a book club or political group or walking club. Or try some meetups off campus, or volunteer opportunities through the library or church etc. Maybe more friends and activities would balance out the negatives of the area.

If you are really unhappy there then you should probably leave and move someplace with a lifestyle that suits you....just make sure you research and visit before moving someplace new.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 05-18-2014 - 10:02pm

I think things like weather you can deal with (it's actually just as hot in Sarasota in the summer and cold is relative, considering I live in New England--at least you don't get snow!).  I would have a hard time living somewhere there is a high crime rate.  I live near Boston and work in the city and there are certain areas that have more crime than others, but I am able to avoid those areas so there isn't any time that I really feel unsafe.  If I felt unsafe in my home or going to work in the daytime, I would probably have to move.  I think that is the key point.  You might have visited but you don't really know a place before you live there.  I think that since your BF doesn't want to move for 5 yrs and you have resorted to drinking, overeating and now are on medication, you know that you can't wait 5 yrs.  You have to take care of yourself.  Maybe it would be possible to move to a place that is closer to him than you lived before so it wouldn't be as long distance and you could still continue seeing each other.  Maybe he could still even commute to his job but you could live in a safer place--he might have a nice house, but there are nice houses everywhere.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sun, 05-18-2014 - 11:48pm
Awesome Post!