need you input ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
need you input ....
3
Mon, 11-01-2010 - 9:59pm
my dh and I recently moved to another town for his work....probably within the next year he is going to be travelling alot.... my 2 older boys dropped out of the school they were going to cuz it did not suit their needs and also cuz they missed their friends big time, the 3 younger are doing ok but would like to move back too... here is where I need your input....would you give up everything to move back home so your 2 older ones will go back to school and dad is left to fend for himself?? I do not like it here cuz there is nothing, I mean nothing here....no movie theatre, only a small strip mall that do not have my fave stores to shop in and I hardly see my dh cuz he works too much and when he is here he is exhausted and he is trying to catch on some sleep...I am miserable...I am losing sleep and I just do not know what to do.... Need input.... Susan
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2001
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 11:57am

Hi Susan,

That's really a tough question to answer, and I supposed that there's not one solution or answer to it. As someone who has moved a lot - my moves have been between continents - I know that it takes at least 6 months to adjust, get used to a new place, establish a routine and make friends. The first three months are toughest, but it really takes about 6 months to settle. My last move was back to a city where I had lived and worked before, and where I knew a lot of people already but it still took me that time to re-establish contact and to make a new group of friends as a lot of people had moved away or moved on.

When we moved here (to Asia from North America) some 30-odd years ago I was a pre-teen and it was extremely difficult for all of us because it was such a huge change even though we were going back to our home country. But none of us kids had really lived here except for me, and I was 4 when we left for North America. Of all the kids, I took it hardest because of my age (there was the cultural shock, the language barriers, etc.) but my younger brother manifested his stress by losing half his hair. One side of his head was thick with beautiful, shiny hair and the other was completely bald (when my mother suggested that he shave the rest, he insisted on keeping it this way because he refused to lose *everything*.) I begged my parents to send me back, and I told them that I'd go and live with the nuns LOL, but as my younger brother said to my mom with tears in his eyes, family is the most important and everyone needs to stick together.

However, our situation was vastly different from yours because you would still be in the same country and perhaps the same province, too. Some questions that you need to ask yourself is how the separation (before your current move) had affected the family as a unit, the children as individuals, your husband's relationship with each of you, and also how you coped being a single parent because during most of the time that's what you were/would be. If you moved back with your kids, would your husband be able to come back on the week-ends to see you? Or every other week-end? There are also some financial questions, too such as will you and your husband be able to afford running two households? (A friend of mine recently confided that she and her husband didn't have any savings anymore as they spent a lot of it running two households.)

((((Susan))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 6:00pm
that is my question of the day is how are we going to afford this....we literally do not have any money....living from paycheck to paycheck...we kinda got into trouble with our credit cards but it is hard to get out of it and then you have the extra stress of trying to live with five kids....etc, etc, etc....we just need to sit down with the kids and tell them that this is what it is and that we cannot move back in the middle of the school year....I had told my dh that if a job opportunity came up for him that I would move anywhere with the kids (and yes they will adjust) but just not in the middle of a school year...... I think it is hard for my 2 older boys cuz they had the same friends since they started school and it was hard for them to leave their friends and they are practically almost done high school. My oldest would have been in his final year of school but now it is going to take a little longer....he was kinda bummed cuz he has alot of his friends on facebook that were posting their graduation pics and he is not there to "share the experience" with them....he is also the one that needs help with his reading/writing disability....they both told me that they were going to do the correspondence courses but they have not started yet...sometimes I just want to smack up the side of their heads and tell to snap out of it and get your butts back to school....you might want to know that the boys tower over me so I am no match for them.... will try to keep you posted, thx for posting to my message.... Susan
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2001
Tue, 11-02-2010 - 10:13pm
My parents were pretty upfront about their financial situation then, so we knew that there were financial reasons and it wasn't only that they believed that children should stay with their parents until they go off to university (my parents had English friends who had sent their children off to boarding school back in England because that's the way it was and also because they were posted in countries where there were no international schools at the time. Their son was devastated by the experience - he went away to school when he was 8 - and as an adult hated his parents for it. So there was no way that they would send me off to boarding school at 12.) You are also right that moving in the middle of the school year is just unwise.

I am sorry about your two older boys, though. I know how tough it must be for them. Perhaps it's time to remind them that if they don't start working on their correspondence course, then it'll take them even more time to graduate and at the end of the day it's their choice whether they graduate sooner or later. What I've told my nephew also is that I'm available from X pm to Y pm, but not after that because I have other things to do in the evening and it's not my job to be at his disposal. This kind of gave him the framework to be more disciplined with his homework, and I think he secretly liked that he was done with everything by 5.30 or 6 pm, and he still had a few more hours to relax, watch TV, be on the computer, etc before he would go to bed. Before we did that he'd go home and do the fun stuff first and only start doing his homework at 7 or 8... and I'd get a frantic call asking me if I could explain something to him. Correspondence course shouldn't take the whole day to study?