need support

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2009
need support
1
Sun, 07-22-2012 - 8:05pm

The reason I am coming on here is because I am seeking more support because I am in need of it. For the last 6-7 months I have been the victim of horrible abuse. The abuse was sexual, mental, as well as physical. This person was a family member of mine, he tortured and tormented me for a long time, I was so scared to call anyone or tell anyone because I was afraid he would kill me. I was starting o get better when he was in jail, but when he got out or was released from prison I started to have bad anxiety, the anxiety started with the fear  that I was going to hurt children then the anxiety came with the fear that I was going to harm or hurt others. The anxiety didnt really get bad until the week of july fourth, I was so scared that I was in tears and obsessed with checking crime reports. I have been so scared for the last month that I havent been able to drive or even work. I had to take a leave of absence, I have been gone from work for two weeks and i'm still sc ared to return back to work. My family member would say that he preferred jail or prison to being out, I am afraid that his negative thoughts have impacted me. I'm feeling like I'm the bad person because of the sexual abuse as well as enabling him to use or take drugs. I've been so afraid that I'm going to become a bad person or that I am a bad person. I am also afraid or also I am afraid that I am going to hurt someone, I have seeked counseling and i'm on meds as well. I knew who i was beforeI moved over here to california but now I'm feeling like I am a fake. I cry because of the thoughts I am having, is this really who i am? I was diagnosed with ocd, could the ocd be playing tricks on me along with everything else that has  happened? I was diagnosed with acute stress disorder too but I feel like it's more ptsd. I'm afraid I will never get my life back, i dont know how to fight, can someone help me? i dont want him to win and that's what he is thinking right now. When all the abuse was going on he said that this happened to me so nobody else would never be able to make or break or take from me ever again. I'm scared to do anything. can someone please help me?

Avatar for ubergeek
Community Leader
Registered: 09-23-2010
In reply to: crys8227
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 9:33am

Hi there - 

I'm sorry for everything you've gone through. Karla gave you some great information. I'm also going to suggest our Sexual Abuse board. You'll find great support over there from people who have been in your situation. It sounds like you are right and you do have more PTSD than outright anxiety/stress. Here's the link: http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Sexual-Abuse-Healing/ct-p/iv-bhsexabuse

You're also more than welcome to post here and keep us updated on how you're doing!