Rough day

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
Rough day
15
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 7:25pm

Okay, does it ever feel like the world is just conspiring against you?  I am diagnosed with OCD and have had some really bad periods with it.  I'm on Prozac and have been doing well for over a year.  In September my therapist and I even decided that I would try taking some time off from therapy because I was doing so well.   I have had several stress-provoking events in my life since then, including starting a second job (going well, but change is always stressful, not to mention the added workload) and some damage from hurricane Sandy.  I have been handling that all pretty well, though.  Sunday marked the 1st anniversary of our beloved dog's death last year, but again, I handled it.  I was home sick today which is never a great thing for my mental status, but I was just feeling really crappy this morning physically.  So, basically I was primed for an OCD attack and of course, something just had to happen this afternoon to trigger my OCD and now I am an anxious wreck.  I don't want to go into the specifics, because I don't think that's the healthiest thing for me.  I am trying to keep busy, but don't want to push myself too hard since I'm not feeling well and I really want to go back to work tomorrow.  I'm worried that I won't sleep tonight, which will just make things worse.  I hate feeling like this and I am worried that it will spiral into another really bad period.  If I sleep well tonight and keep busy tomorrow I may be able to head off a major episode, but I don't know.  I'm thinking I will call my therapist tomorrow if I still feel like this may turn really bad.  Ugh.  I hate this.  I just wanted to reach out to others who might understand.

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Avatar for nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-1999
In reply to: boysmom9698
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 9:51pm

Hugz sweetie.  I know how hard it is this time of year.  Sometimes there is only so much we can handle on our own.  I hope you called your therapist regardless of how you felt this morning. 

New jobs can be exciting and nerve wracking as well as either overwhelming or boring in the first week for just about anyone.  Some people just put on a better mask than others. 

So how are you doing today?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
In reply to: boysmom9698
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 6:54am

Yesterday was really hard.  I barely slept Tuesday night so that only made things worse.  Luckily, I was able to get in to see my therapist yesterday and talk things out.  It's always so hard for me to know where to draw the line between what is a real concern that should be dealt with and what is my OCD, and she helped me sort that out a bit.  I also called my medical doctor about increasing my dosage of prozac.  I've been thinking for a while that I should probably be on a slightly higher dose, and with this recent episode I thought so even more.  I really wanted to stay on as low a dose as possible, so I'm not thrilled about going up, but I think it's probably the best thing at this point.  I have too many people who depend on me to allow myself to go off the deep end again, ya know?  So, anyway, I slept much better last night.  I woke up a few times, but mostly I slept, as opposed to the night before when I slept a few times but was mostly awake. I think the sleep helped a lot and I am feeling much better today than yesterday.  Not 100% but on the right track, I think. 

Avatar for nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-1999
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 7:24pm

I am happy to hear you saw your therapist.  I am also happy to hear you got some sleep and feel like you are getting back on track. 

I know what you mean.  I never really know when I should reach for my sleeping pills.  I'm not a huge fan of taking them in the first place.  I will take them if I need them because not sleeping leads to big problems. 

I too have too many people who depend on me. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
In reply to: boysmom9698
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 3:26am

Thanks so much for your words of support, Karen.  It is helpful to know that I'm not alone in this.  I am up right now at 3AM.  I had some really rough patches yesterday but was feeling pretty okay last night and got good sleep until 2:30.  Then the OCD bug took over again.  Ugh.  Laying there ruminating was not doing me any good so I decided to get up and fold some wash and have a snack and then try to get some more sleep.  I'm trying to just ride out the rough patches and hoping that in a week or so I may feel a lot better once the increase in dosage starts to kick in a bit.  I keep telling myself that I need to trust the process and be patient.  I have ridden out worse periods than this and I can ride this one out too.  It's so hard though, as I'm sure you know.  Anyway, thanks again, and I am going to go fold some towels now.  Hopefully I'll be able to get a little bit more sleep.  I have to be up early for work, so there won't be time for much, but even another hour or so would be something.

Avatar for nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-1999
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 10:58pm

LOL!  You remind me of me.  When I can't sleep for whatever reason, I get up and do laundry.  Nothing more boring than laundry is there?  A couple of loads and right back to bed and sleep. 

Do you know the story of the "Little Train That Could"? Instead of "I think I can" use "I know I can make it."  Like you said, you've done this before and you've made it through tougher before.  You don't sound like the kind of person to me to just give up on anything much less yourself.

I never really understood what my son was going through when he was younger and having these anxiety attacks and now I know because I have been through it too.  I have had a need to appologize to him repeatedly when I first started with the anxiety myself.  That event in my life though, has made me appreciate that the other people around me don't understand what I'm going through.  May they never know.  \

You keep fighting this battle my friend, you are strong.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
In reply to: boysmom9698
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 11:31am

Thanks again, Karen.  It's interesting how you say you never understood your son's anxiety until you went through it yourself.  I have dealt with this off and on most of my life, and though my dh tried to be supportive I knew he never really understood, and would get really frustrated with me.  Well, about a year or so ago he started having panic attacks out of the blue.  This was never something he had dealt with and he wouldn't even believe me that it was stress and not something physical until his doctor backed me up.  This is my first major episode since then and I really think he understands it a lot better this time.

My son also suffers from a bit of anxiety, and it just kills me because I know how hard it is.  Then of course I feel guilty for passing this on to him.

Anyway, things seem to be getting a bit better for me overall day by day, although there are ups and downs throughout each day.  I slept really well last night, probably a little too well since I didn't get out of bed until 11:00, I'm embarrassed to say.  I have a lot I want to get done today, so now I am feeling behind, but I really needed the sleep.

Thanks again for your support -- it is so helpful.  Have a good day!

Avatar for nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-1999
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 6:07pm

Funny you should mention the guilt.  That is something I have lived with my son's entire life practically.  He was only 6 when he was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety.  I knew I had depression the entire time I was pregnant and for years afterwards.  When we discovered that about our son it was like a knife through my heart and soul.  I didn't know that it could be hereditary. 

I'm glad it is getting a little better each day and bravo for the long sleep.  Yes, you really did need it.  No need to feel embarassed or guilty about taking care of your needs. 

I'm glad I could offer you some understanding and support.  I know how alone you can feel with this. 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
In reply to: boysmom9698
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 10:04pm

How old is your son now, Karen?  My boys are 14 and 16. 

Avatar for nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-1999
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 1:04pm

My son just tured 20.  He's a really great guy.  He really would make an excellent EMT or Nurse but needles make his skin crawl.  He also says he would never be able to handle an injured child.  He would also make a great teacher.  He has patience like nothing I have ever seen before.  But alas my son is a computer nerd.  So I have in house tech support.  LOL!

I've paid for the best psychiatric help in the state and still he won't leave the house alone.  He is terrified of the thought of driving so he won't learn to drive.  He won't get a job because he doesn't drive and he's really afraid to just go out there into the world.  He is a real genius.  He has an I.Q. of 145.  He won't even go to college.  He lost a bunch of scholarships because he couldn't do it.  I wish he could see himself the way I see him.  He's amazing and brilliant and talented.  I see him as a gift to the world, a world he is afraid of. 

My husband was diagnosed with MS last year.  It hit him hard when it hit.  He lost his job.  He lost his ability for short term memory.  In his case the disease is attacking his brain.  He cannot be left alone because he will do bizarre things.  He had nearly set our apartment on fire twice because he put rags on a lit burner.  Also my husband's vision is being affected by it.  So he cannot see anything on the floor.  He occasionally he runs into walls.  My husband is 51 years old and it is like he is 80 years old.  My son has been excellent at stepping in for his dad.  They butt heads though, because they are exactly alike, exactly alike.   

We had to move in with my mother.  That has been a challenge.  She is an undiagnosed OCD person.  She is so textbook it is not funny.  She is also Irish/Italian and let me tell you she has a temper and that woman can hold a grudge for decades.  Her life is all about order.  I'm the hippy daughter.  I don't care one iota about order except in my art supplies.  So, you see, I do get why she needs order but my guys don't.  They are walking pigpens.  They try but they will never live up to mom's expectations.  No one can live up to her expectations and I have told her about that several times.  I refuse to clean the stove because she will criticize my job eventhough it is as clean as she would get it.   The woman has cleaned the paint off that stove and it isn't a even a year and a half old yet.  (OCD) 

Geeze, after writing that all out it's a wonder I am not in a constant state of anxiety.  I just take it a little at a time.  I just deal with it as it comes.  That's all I can do.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2005
In reply to: boysmom9698
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 7:02am

Wow, you really have a lot on your plate.  It must be very hard to see your son like that, and your husband as well.  Your son sounds like an amazing person.  Thanks again for all your support.  I feel like I turned a corner a bit yesterday and I am on a real upswing.  Hopefully it lasts!

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