Boredom and Destructive, Self-Sabotaging behavior with BP
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|Thu, 06-07-2012 - 4:41pm|
In the 20 years I have suffered from Bipolar Disorder, even being good with my medication, I keep facing this problem over and over again. My life can even be starting to seem optimistic, and then I will sabotage everything.
(Brief description of my case. Both of my birth parents were dx with Bipolar Disorder. When I was 17 I started on Lithium. I've been in the hospital 3 times for attempted suicide. When I am angry I sometimes cut my legs. At this point I take Lithium, Zoloft, Ambien, Klonopin, and Seroquel. I live with my parents and haven't worked in over 3 years. I've appealed a decision for Social Security Disability with the help of a lawyer and pray I'll get it. I don't know what will happen to me if I don't.)
So there have been probably about 10 times where I've been friendless, or lonely because of not having a boyfriend. Things like that. Next thing I know, I'll meet someone (which is usually when I start to deteriorate and shoot myself in the foot). I can't really blame the guys I get involved with. It's me who makes the wrong choices. These past two times it's involved drugs.
Most recently, I got involved with a psychopath. The first time he got angry for no good reason, I should have just left, but a sick part of me was fascinated. That's why I stayed. I know how backwards that sounds. Things excalated and I went to end it, only I had already stupidly confided things in him that could get me kicked out of my parents house. He proceeded to harass me on e-mail and finally threatened to get me kicked out of my house. I had to tell my parents about this, but they were angry with me. I guess I cannot blame them, they are tired of seeing me doing so well and then ending up in these destructive situations.
I can't seem to be just content with the relatively simple life I have. I clean my parents house each week, take care of the dogs, paint, and I have one good friend I hang out with regularly. I actually don't care about having a boyfriend because I just can't seem to handle one. I guess if a certain kind of guy pays attention to me I end up getting hooked. I almost with no one would pay attention to me. I'm 5'9" and 70 pounds overweight. The main thing I care about is trying to lose this weight.
Compared to 5 years ago, or 10 years ago, or even 15 years ago, life just seems completely dull. In the past, I partied, I dated (with lots of drama of course), and I even got a Bachelor's Degree. But I got hooked into men, pot (which I don't think it THAT bad), Ecstasy, and Acid. I felt like I was on the top of the world, but now sometimes I wish I was 6 feet under the earth.
I had access to a car until last week. I had just earned my parents trust back after a long road of building it back up, but when I got involved with this last guy, and he told them everything he could to try and get me kicked out, they stopped letting me use the car. My mom wants me to move out when I get on disability.
The thing is, all I want is to get along well with my parents. I want their approval. I want their trust. I don't want to move out. I want to live with them and help make their life easier, not worse. And now I know I have to start all over again, just like I've had to do in the recent past (a year and a half ago).
Has anyone else had a similar problem where they just get bored or feel empty and end up going out and doing something wild and destructive?