Recently diagnosed and wanted to share
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|Mon, 08-06-2012 - 12:45am|
For almost a year I have been treated for depression and it didn't feel like much but I thought maybe thats what its supposed to feel like. I decided to try a new doctor because my anxiety was starting to poison every aspect of every day. I have two children and they're counting on me to be healthy and alert and with that was anxiety as well. I was first put on a higher dose of Zoloft and given Lorazepam for anxiety. This didn't work and things were becoming dire, so I was switched to Effexor. I thought Effexor was great, suddenly I wanted to clean, ALOT, and sleep took a backseat for a while. I felt overly excited and euphoric so much so that I felt it was too much. Back to the doctor I went and after 3 weeks of Effexor I was quickly weaned off to then began Lamictal. This was possibly the worst thing yet, the withdrawal was, for lack of a better term, horiffic. I had a complete psychotic break and for the first time in my life found myself in my closet with a belt in hand sobbing with every horrible intention to do it taunting me. If it weren't for my baby crying on the monitor and the doorbell ringing with my mother on the other side I may not be here. I went back to the Doctor AGAIN and was told to up the Lamictal. Well I had another break, all the while every thought and movement just wasn't mine. Now I'm taking it easy, I'm on Seroquel, and while I'm finally feeling great it feels too great like its the mania. I haven't been on seroquel long enough for any true relief but I pray when I finally go to bed that I wake up the same person. The one that wants to play with her child, hold her baby and love him dearly, keep the home and have dinner ready for my other half. This is all so new, but the symptoms were always there since my teen years but I brushed it off as being well, just a teen. The hope I hold in my chest so tightly I force it to stay rain or shine, and the bad thoughts that I am unloveable or undeserving now take the backseat. I'm fighting like hell to be the same beautiful strong woman I am today, and for every other day here on. Here's to hope and never giving up, or giving in.