mid life crisis

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
mid life crisis
6
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 1:52pm

And i'm only 29 lol Perhaps it's more of a midlife transition but i feel so utterly depressed and even more depressed when i feel like i'm being dramatic.  I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years.  We would like to get married and buy a place to live.  I am in good financial standing but he isn’t.  I make more money and I have sufficient money saved.  He makes less and is still trying to save money for my engagement ring.  And while he continues to save for my engagement ring, he really can’t afford to do anything else, i.e. a vacation of any kind.  Our financial situation worries me. I know he can only do so much with his salary that it’s going to take some time before he can purchase a ring or a place.  I am really trying NOT to put the pressure on him but I am.  I feel like my time is being wasted just waiting for him.  We don’t go out on dates to save money, we can’t go on vacation because we’re saving money.  At some point I just feel like I’m having an outer body experience.  I can afford to go on vacation AND purchase a house if I wanted on my own.  We live together but we live with his parents and I don’t feel as independent as I would like.  We live in NYC and so I feel naturally it is hard already to afford a place.  So I try to tell myself to not put the pressure on him.  Some of the fun I seek can be done with my friends….except I don’t feel like I have those types of friendships anymore.  All my friends have their boyfriends and they want to spend time all their time with them.   And our hangouts have been reduced to brunches.  I’m not looking to do anything extravagant.  Just something worthwhile and not staying home on a weekend doing nothing.  I don’t have a hobby.  I don’t have my own place to work on.  I figure if I had my own place I’d experiment cooking.  Or maybe I would have a kid or decorate the house.  But at this moment I feel like I have no purpose.  I’m idle. It’s even affected my social life.  I can’t even have an interesting conversation because I have nothing going on in my life nor can I relate to what people are doing because I hardly go out anymore.   

Strangely enough I feel like this is what happens to everybody.  Eventually the fun is over and the rest of the days feel like a waiting game.  I feel alone in this. Not really having anyone to talk to or would understand.  Anyways I think I’ve become a miserable person and I have been fighting a lot with my boyfriend and I feel like I’m driving him to the breaking point, like it’s getting physical and even he’s taken aback from his reaction.  (Note: he has never laid a hand on me.  I don’t get physical with him but in this instance he grabbed my shirt by both collars and we were both shocked)  I think I just need to make peace with this life.  I don’t know how to relax.  Perhaps it’s because I’m turning 30 and having a MIDLIFE CRISIS!!!

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Fri, 04-04-2014 - 11:39am

Welcome to the board!  I am glad you posted.  I am still thinking of how to respond to your post, nothing bad, just want to be the most helpful I can be and takes me time to think about it.

Here is something to look at, if your interested.  I will respond more once I think a bit more.

www.webmd.com/depression/features/midlife-crisis-opportunity

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2013
Fri, 04-04-2014 - 11:43am
If you can afford to buy a house and take vacations, then why don't you? Why does his salary have to limit your fun? This is 2014 and if you want to buy yourself a nice ring, house or whatever, then do it.
Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sat, 04-05-2014 - 6:16pm

Welcome again to our board!

I thought a bit about your situation and here are some of my thoughts ....

You do want to marry this man, correct?  That is the first question.  If you do, then ....

You said, " I can afford to go on vacation AND purchase a house if I wanted on my own."

So, my thinking is that if you want to marry this man, then eventually your money would be BOTH of your money legally, right?

So, why not go ahead and together go pick out a beautiful engagement ring for yourself?

Or, you can buy a home yourself and when you marry, then he can becoming part of your home.

My thinking is that if you plan to marry anyway, why does the money have to stop you from doing things you want to, i.e. go on vacation.

I hope I am making sense.  Please let me know what you think of what I wrote?

I am trying to help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 04-09-2014 - 4:31pm

First of all, you can actually get married without having an engagement ring--it's not a requirement.  It seems as if since the guy doesn't have much money, it would be better to forego the engagement ring and put the money toward something else like moving out.  I agree with the others--if you already have enough money to buy a house, then why don't you just buy one and put it in your name?  You could get a prenuptial agreement if you are worried about him getting the house in case you got divorced.  If you make more money and you want to go on vacation, why don't you pay for his vacation as well?  It's modern times so I think if it was a choice of staying home and doing nothing all the time and being bored and unhpappy or you paying, then maybe you should pay.  But I also wonder will you be satisfied with the fact that you are the higher earning person in this couple if he never changes?

This boring life is not typical, especially at your age.  If you want a hobby, go find something to do.  You can take a class, meet some new people, etc.  You can find things to do out of the house that aren't that expensive--there are still lots of free things to do in NYC.  You can take a walk in Central Park, you can see street performers, you can just look around all the neighborhoods.  You shouldn't be putting your life on hold waiting to get married.

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Fri, 04-18-2014 - 2:57pm

I wanted to say hi and ask how are you doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Tue, 04-29-2014 - 1:05pm

It's misleading for me to say that i can afford a house.  All i've really done is save up a lot of money.  I actually did purchase a vacation for us.  He talks every now and then about the information he's learned about engagement rings.  I just need to relax.  I think i'm putting a great deal of pressure on myself.  I'm not sure if i'm trying to achieve all of this by a certain age or if i'm comparing myself to others and feeling left behind. But i'm trying to acknowledge that while i don't have everything i think i need, everything is quite fine.  I have a loving boyfriend who tries his hardest.  I'll be turning 30 soon and as much as i tried to avoid feeling this way, it doesn't help that my family puts the pressure on me about marriage and babies.  My brothers even have my nephews and nieces in on this as if it's all a funny banter.  Now the kids call me old.  My brother's recurring joke with my niece is that she's not allowed to date until i get married.  So I’m just learning to exercise patience. I don’t want to be affected by all this insensitivity.  It all makes me feel like I messed up somewhere along the way.  Sometimes I take a deep breath and when I exhale I feel some resolve.  I have no idea where my boyfriend and I will be in 5 years from now but I feel a little bit of my care slip away.  That’s all I’ve been dwelling on, the future and not knowing what is going to happen.  I have been making it all harder for myself thinking I need a plan and I need to set it in motion in order to get to where I want to be. But I’m over it.  I’m over planning for my future.   Like I said I’m just learning to relax and accept my life, my good, debt-free, child-free, do whatever I want life.