mid life crisis
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|Tue, 04-01-2014 - 1:52pm|
And i'm only 29 lol Perhaps it's more of a midlife transition but i feel so utterly depressed and even more depressed when i feel like i'm being dramatic. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. We would like to get married and buy a place to live. I am in good financial standing but he isn’t. I make more money and I have sufficient money saved. He makes less and is still trying to save money for my engagement ring. And while he continues to save for my engagement ring, he really can’t afford to do anything else, i.e. a vacation of any kind. Our financial situation worries me. I know he can only do so much with his salary that it’s going to take some time before he can purchase a ring or a place. I am really trying NOT to put the pressure on him but I am. I feel like my time is being wasted just waiting for him. We don’t go out on dates to save money, we can’t go on vacation because we’re saving money. At some point I just feel like I’m having an outer body experience. I can afford to go on vacation AND purchase a house if I wanted on my own. We live together but we live with his parents and I don’t feel as independent as I would like. We live in NYC and so I feel naturally it is hard already to afford a place. So I try to tell myself to not put the pressure on him. Some of the fun I seek can be done with my friends….except I don’t feel like I have those types of friendships anymore. All my friends have their boyfriends and they want to spend time all their time with them. And our hangouts have been reduced to brunches. I’m not looking to do anything extravagant. Just something worthwhile and not staying home on a weekend doing nothing. I don’t have a hobby. I don’t have my own place to work on. I figure if I had my own place I’d experiment cooking. Or maybe I would have a kid or decorate the house. But at this moment I feel like I have no purpose. I’m idle. It’s even affected my social life. I can’t even have an interesting conversation because I have nothing going on in my life nor can I relate to what people are doing because I hardly go out anymore.
Strangely enough I feel like this is what happens to everybody. Eventually the fun is over and the rest of the days feel like a waiting game. I feel alone in this. Not really having anyone to talk to or would understand. Anyways I think I’ve become a miserable person and I have been fighting a lot with my boyfriend and I feel like I’m driving him to the breaking point, like it’s getting physical and even he’s taken aback from his reaction. (Note: he has never laid a hand on me. I don’t get physical with him but in this instance he grabbed my shirt by both collars and we were both shocked) I think I just need to make peace with this life. I don’t know how to relax. Perhaps it’s because I’m turning 30 and having a MIDLIFE CRISIS!!!