Been a long time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Been a long time...
5
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 2:28am

Hi all.  It's been a long time since I've been on here.  I'd like to start by sending hugs to all of you that need them.  I may not have been here, but you have been in my thoughts.

Things are not going well with me.  It's been a very stressful year in the classroom, I'm in the middle of a divorce, and working on buying a house.  Yeah, I added that stress...buying a house.  But it's either buy a house I can afford, or rent one for more $$.  I have to get out of the one I'm in.  My mortgage will be just over half of my rent in this monster house that's too big for me and my son (half time).  It's been a nightmare...getting approved, then finding out that the lender screwed up...approved a "different way" and finding out again that she screwed up, because I canNOT be approved for a conventional loan.  We foreclosed 3 years ago...conventional loans require a 7 year wait.  Then, because she screwed up so much, we went to a different lender who couldn't figure out how they could qualify me for anything.  You see, I'm technically still married until October.  Therefore, since this is CA, and a community property state, while they look at ONLY my income, they look at OUR debt...it's all messed up.  Anyway, it took over a week for that to all get straightened out.  Now we have to wait on the seller's bank to approve the sale.  It's a short sale, so of course that means it takes twice as long for everything to happen.

This divorce has taken a toll on me.  I have stopped going to Hockey games, because I can't stand to sit there knowing (or watching) my son, on MY TIME, is sitting with his dad and snuggling with his dad's girlfriend.  Yes, girlfriend.  J moved out the weekend before Halloween.  By Thanksgiving he had a girlfriend, and before Christmas she was spending several nights in his house (and I won't get started on that happening with Ryan spending the night there on J's days!).

I'm very lost, very alone, and I will admit that there have definitely been some times and thoughts of ending everything.  I can't count the number of times that I've wanted the semi-truck next to me on the freeway to veer in the wrong direction.  Yeah, it's been that bad.  It's been a month since I've seen my therapist, and, well, she lovingly chastised me for not getting a hold of her sooner.  I was supposed to see her this last week, but she went home sick that day.  When she called me the next day, she told me the only time she could get me in after school was on March 20...another MONTH away.  I told her I NEEDED to get in, and it was more important than school.  (that sent up signals to her instantly.  I don't take off from school).  So, I'm going in this Wednesday, during class. My kids can deal with a sub for a couple of hours.  In the meantime, at her request, I sent her a couple of my blog posts.  My blog is usually kept very private...it's cut off from the internet world as much as it can be.  So, Friday morning, I get an email from my therapist, with the "chastisement", and my needing to call, or walk-in if I am feeling like I had been...an hour later, she called me.  Luckily, I was at an assembly with my students, and could walk out to answer the call.  She's worried.  She says that I'm severely grieving and the emotions are getting the best of me.  All I can tell you is that I'm tired of the emotional pain every day.  I reminded her that it's my weekend with my son, and I'd be safe.  After all, I NEED to be a mom.  This appointment will not be easy...probably will be harder to go back to class after...but I need to. 

So that's what's up, in a nutshell. 

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Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 3:45pm

~hugs~

I just wanted to reach out to you...

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 7:39pm

Hi,

It's been a while since I've been here as well but I do remember you.  I am so sorry that you are going through this.  Please keep in mind that during those hockey games, your son is sitting with his dad for a variety of reasons - mostly because he's a boy and that's his dad.  Also, if your son is living with you, he wants to be with his dad when he can.  It has nothing to do with him not loving you.  You are his mom and he loves you and needs you.  

I'm so glad you're therapist is reaching out to you.  So hopefully, getting in to see her will help.  

I hope things get better soon!

Lia

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 8:20pm
Thank you both for your responses. Lia, we have 51/49% custody. it's that way, because after the 2012 taxes, I have full claim on Ryan until he is no longer "claimable". Ry says he wants to sit up there because it's warmer. His dad thinks it's because his girlfriend lets Ry play with her phone. I can't even find the words to describe the way I feel. I just want to go to bed, curl up with my purple teddy bear and purple pillow pet (on my purple sheets) and cry and hibernate. I didn't want to go to church today, didn't want to run errands...but they are things I "have" to do. Especially when my son needs soccer cleats and I have two solos for choir. I don't like disappointing anyone any more than I like worrying them. I think that's why I have kept everything so quiet for so long.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 9:37pm

I sure know the sleep through it feeling.  Started to go to bed before dark today but remembered I had papers to grade and mid-term grades to figure - due tomorrow.  I don't mind running errands as it keeps my mind busy and me away from home.  Home is very depressing for me.

Hope tomorrow is better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 10:46pm
THIS house is very depressing...considering it's the one I used to live in with J. It's way too big for me and a 50% kid. School/work isn't a "safe haven" for me, as it's causing me more and more stress every year. I have no family out here. I'm a born and raised "Jersey Girl" transplanted in CA. My dad's in NJ, and my sis. is in VA. I'm here alone. I have friends, but I'm so afraid I will lose them by being "too needy" or "too messed up in the head" for them.
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