Been a long time...
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|Sun, 02-24-2013 - 2:28am|
Hi all. It's been a long time since I've been on here. I'd like to start by sending hugs to all of you that need them. I may not have been here, but you have been in my thoughts.
Things are not going well with me. It's been a very stressful year in the classroom, I'm in the middle of a divorce, and working on buying a house. Yeah, I added that stress...buying a house. But it's either buy a house I can afford, or rent one for more $$. I have to get out of the one I'm in. My mortgage will be just over half of my rent in this monster house that's too big for me and my son (half time). It's been a nightmare...getting approved, then finding out that the lender screwed up...approved a "different way" and finding out again that she screwed up, because I canNOT be approved for a conventional loan. We foreclosed 3 years ago...conventional loans require a 7 year wait. Then, because she screwed up so much, we went to a different lender who couldn't figure out how they could qualify me for anything. You see, I'm technically still married until October. Therefore, since this is CA, and a community property state, while they look at ONLY my income, they look at OUR debt...it's all messed up. Anyway, it took over a week for that to all get straightened out. Now we have to wait on the seller's bank to approve the sale. It's a short sale, so of course that means it takes twice as long for everything to happen.
This divorce has taken a toll on me. I have stopped going to Hockey games, because I can't stand to sit there knowing (or watching) my son, on MY TIME, is sitting with his dad and snuggling with his dad's girlfriend. Yes, girlfriend. J moved out the weekend before Halloween. By Thanksgiving he had a girlfriend, and before Christmas she was spending several nights in his house (and I won't get started on that happening with Ryan spending the night there on J's days!).
I'm very lost, very alone, and I will admit that there have definitely been some times and thoughts of ending everything. I can't count the number of times that I've wanted the semi-truck next to me on the freeway to veer in the wrong direction. Yeah, it's been that bad. It's been a month since I've seen my therapist, and, well, she lovingly chastised me for not getting a hold of her sooner. I was supposed to see her this last week, but she went home sick that day. When she called me the next day, she told me the only time she could get me in after school was on March 20...another MONTH away. I told her I NEEDED to get in, and it was more important than school. (that sent up signals to her instantly. I don't take off from school). So, I'm going in this Wednesday, during class. My kids can deal with a sub for a couple of hours. In the meantime, at her request, I sent her a couple of my blog posts. My blog is usually kept very private...it's cut off from the internet world as much as it can be. So, Friday morning, I get an email from my therapist, with the "chastisement", and my needing to call, or walk-in if I am feeling like I had been...an hour later, she called me. Luckily, I was at an assembly with my students, and could walk out to answer the call. She's worried. She says that I'm severely grieving and the emotions are getting the best of me. All I can tell you is that I'm tired of the emotional pain every day. I reminded her that it's my weekend with my son, and I'd be safe. After all, I NEED to be a mom. This appointment will not be easy...probably will be harder to go back to class after...but I need to.
So that's what's up, in a nutshell.