Defeated part II

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
Defeated part II
2
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 12:30pm

Hello again everyone, I got a couple of minutes so I thought I would drop in.  I can't tell you again how much your posts mean to me.  Honestly I read them almost everyday, its the only form of encouragement I really get.  My husband and I are not doing better.  I really wish he would think before he speaks.  He has the ability to cut you down to size with just one sentence.  I have never met anyone who is so cruel and cold.  He doesn't seem to even realize the depth of what he says.  I have made so many excuses for him, like he was raised that way, or he really didn't mean it....but truthfully after over four yrs of trying to "filter" his words I realized that he really does mean what he says.  He really means to hurt you to your very soul and kill your spirit.  I wish he would literally  hit me with a hammer than say the things he does.  It is human nature to defend one's self, but after so many times, you start to believe it.  Maybe it is me. Maybe I did "trick him into marrying me."  Maybe I am crazy.  Maybe if I just shut up everything would be better.  I just don't understand that kind of cruelty and selfishness.  We are a blended family, I have two children from previous relationships.  My husband basically tolerates/borderline verbally abuses them.  I know, if I were reading this post I would say pack it up sister and take care of your kids.  But things are never so black and white.  I wish they were.  My son's biological father (6yr old w/ mental illness) was released from prison this past summer and has seen him once for about 2hrs.  (whole other huge long story)  I expected my husband to pick up the father role and be there for my son.  I asked him a couple of yrs ago to adopt my son and he not only told me no, but hell no.  He didn't want to have to ever pay child support on him.  Last night we had yet another fight because he hounds my oldest daughter so hard.  He pretty much doesn't speak to her unless she has done something wrong.  Then he is all over her about how lazy she is and how much like her dead-beat dad she is.  Trust me I come out with claws when he starts this crap, I get my child away from him and we get into it.  But damage is already done, my daughter feels like she can't do anything right and he doesn't give a damn about her.  I used to say that wasn't true, but it is.  He just tolerates my older two.  When I call him out on it, he pulls the "I feed and clothe them don't I?"  Like that is enough, buying their clothes and paying their bills, and letting them live with us is not being a father, but he truely believes he is doing a good job because he does work and provide for them.  I have honestly tried everything, I have written long letters to him, shown him baby pictures, begged, tried to get him into counseling, EVERYTHING, and nothing.  So now I just tell him to f*^& off and leave my kids the hell alone, don't even speak to them.  He told me last night after another huge fight that my older two have dads, he is not going to be their dad and never will be.  Ladies, I can't tell you how my heart sank, how much pain I feel deep into my soul.  He has hurt me to my bitter core.  He literally says things like that with no emotion or hesitation.  I don't know what else to do, I shelter them as much as humanly possible.  Right now he is not home much working overtime, so that helps.   I give my kids so many hugs and kisses, but i know it is not enough to undo the damage.  He has flat told me on several occassions  it's not him, it's me being dramatic and "coddling" them.  I am not, nor have I ever been a push-over parent, but seeing so little he gives I have to be their soft place to fall.  I have to let some of the things that happen go.  This situation is not good for anyone, but like I said I am so trapped, so listless, so hopeless.  Every relationship I have ever had has ended in extreme heartache.  This honestly is the best of the worst.  I don't want to live in government housing, pull my kids out of the best school they have ever been in.  It's like I have to choose the best of the worst.  I have so little and they need so much. I have been in situations where my pantry was empty, I have had to live in a shelter with the clothes on my back, I do not want to put 4 kids into that.  Here we have a nice home and food to eat, we just have to do the best we can with what we have got.  Leaving isn't an option.  I have to go now, kids are getting up from nap.  Thanks again for your support and encouragement, a pat on the back really goes a long, long way. 

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 11:19pm

Welcome back to the board!  It was nice to read that you find comfort on here and come here almost daily for encouragement.  Please, feel free to post anytime you drop by, even just to say hi.  I know, I wonder how people who post are doing and I don't know when people drop by.  I am so glad you feel support here. 

No, I was not personally thinking you should pack up and leave.  I know it is not that easy nor is it black and white.  I understand.  I would not judge you for staying or leaving.  I can just hope that you are able to find happiness from your children and even here.

May I ask, are you a stay at home mom?

Do you have friends or family nearby to help you or even to listen when you need someone to talk to?

As I mentioned before, you sound like a WONDERFUL MOM and I am sure your children know how much you love them!!  Just keep hugging and loving them and I think they will be just fine.

I wish I could say something more to help you.  I know we don't know each other, but if we did and lived nearby, I would so come help you and let you know YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED GOOD AND DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!!

Please stay strong and please post again, will be thinking of you and sending you a hug!!

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 7:24am

Hi

After reading your story I realize how strong of a person you are and you are doing the best you can with your situation.. I dont blame you one bit trying to keep all together.. I would suggest counseling for yourself and like Heidi said get some outside support from parent groups or family or friends.. I would be frazzled by now if I were you but you seem to be holding it all together.. Dont be so hard on yourself and one day your kids will be a bit older and you will have more freedom and flexibility to make your decisions..

I would also suggest maybe going back to school or finding a part time job or something for you in case one day you are alone or a single parent. Start saving some money and stash away anything you can for a rainy day..Any money at all will be good ..

If you are a stay at home mom could you take in other kids and babysit and get paid for that.. Anything that will give you some empowerment and not depend so much on husband. You need to take some power back from hubby and that you can do through counseling and womens support groups. If need be contact the womens shelter in your area and see if they have classes for you . Any type of support would help right now and will make you feel you are not alone.

Also do something for yourself whether its taking a class or yoga or zumba or whatever.. Something where you can get out of the house and enjoy yourself and get away for a bit.. Maybe hiking or walking or meeting a friend for lunch..

Lets say though that you had to live in govt. housing?? Would that be the end of the world or something so bad or would it really destroy the family?? You would atleast be at peace and be happy with your kids? You would get child support and maybe spousal support and anything else in marriage if it came to that.. Not saying its what you should do but it wouldnt be the worst thing..