Defeated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
Defeated.
10
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 2:06pm

Hello everyone, just a brief introduction of myself...I am new to this board, but not new to depression.  I really feel that this is as rock bottom as I can get.  There are no miraculous answers I am searching for, just an outlet, just knowing that I do have a small voice left in this world.  It seems that things are closing in around me and I can't find a life vest.  I almost don't even want one.  I am exhausted, defeated, and over it.  There are so many things I wish I could change, wish I could do, but being trapped in my mistakes has left me with little hope of change.  There are things that must get done, I somehow power through them, diapers, feedings, sex, laundry, etc.  I don't really even feel human, I just "get through it."  I know I need help, I know I need counseling, perhaps even hospitalization, but that is not possible.  I don't have anyone to help me.  My parents have their own issues primarily medical, and my husband doesn't give a damn.  I have four children that need me to keep them dressed and fed.  I don't want to sit here and list all the reasons why I am so depressed, I know my problems are multiplied by hundreds because of my depression.  In my head I know it's a chemical imbalance in my brain, but in my day to day life, none of that matters.  I am on some medication, but obviously it's not working that well.  I don't have time or money to get the help that I need.  My husband makes me feel weak because I can't just suck it up and get over things.  Truth is I hate and resent him, and even though he won't admit it, he hates and resents me.  We are just stuck together...kids, money etc...

There is so much I want to do or explain, but I just don't have the energy.  Maybe tomorrow, maybe later, maybe never.  Somehow this day will keep going, somehow I will keep going, but I am not living, I am just exsisting.  Forgive me.  Thanks for reading...you are the only one who wants to hear my weak voice.  Bless you for that, no one else wants to.

Avatar for cmkarla
Administrator
Registered: 01-03-2001
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 9:37am

Hi and welcome to the board. I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling this way. Have you tried taking your husband with you to the doctor so the doctor can talk to him about depression and what may cause it?  Perhaps it may help him be more understanding.

How old are your children?

Karla
Community ModeratoriVillage.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 2:49pm

Hey,

you found a great place to just come and talk, it really can help.

I agree with Karla, it could well be worth going to see your doctor and getting him to explain to your DH just how depression affects us. If we could get our act together and snap ourselves out of it, we sure would in a heartbeat. Unfortunately is is not that easy. Depression is complicated.Cry

Do you also think and joint theraphy would help you and your husband deal with any issues that are dragging your relationship down?

Love

Promise



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 12:56pm

Thank you so much for your response.  It's nice to know someone has compassion and concern.  My children are 13, 6 (with pedi bipolar, ashbergers, and severe ADHD) and then I have a 21 month old and a 10 month old (totally not planned).  So I am obviously overwhelmed with a variety of issues so finding time to help myself is near impossible.  Due to my son's mental impairments, its very difficult to find someone to watch him not to mention how much it would cost.  My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2yrs and I wish I was exaggerating about his ability to show compassion or concern.  Literally if my arm was hanging by a shread of skin, I would be lucky to get him to bring me a band-aid.  I don't want to sound like I am making excuses for not getting help, but rather just explaining why it is so difficult.  I will write more later, babies are up from their nap.  Thanks again for your kind responses.  Bless you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 1:38pm

Hey,

I just typed out a response to you and it vanished instead of posting. Gremlins in the works.

I am real sorry your husband is not supportive. With a young family to care for, especially with one child needing extra and more specialized care, you sure have your hands full. And depression on top of all that. Big cyberhugs

Love

Promise



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2000
Sun, 11-18-2012 - 9:55am

Hey they're ,  I want you to know first that you have amazing strength ...you are doing it alone and that's overwhelming....as for hubby he may never understand  because some people who have never experienced depression do not understand the lethargy, worthlessness isolation you feel along with so many other symptoms. They just can't see a chemical imbalance like they see diabetes or other medical conditions...I really want you to try to look up an organization that you can call to see where you could get help if your doc is not willing to try other meds that may help...I know it's hard...there were days I wanted to die.....just don't give up and if you ever feel like that go to the hospital .....as your kids grow you will hopefully gain more strength....I will pray for you and you always have this site.

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sun, 11-25-2012 - 12:37am
Welcome to our board! You are correct, we do want to hear what is going on in your life. Thanks for sharing. I am sorry you are going through all this. As someone else posted, I THINK YOU ARE A STRONG WOMAN AND GOOD MOTHER! Raising four children alone, please pat yourself on the back, you deserve so much credit. And it sounds like your having struggles with depression and I too know from personal experience that having depression makes parenting much more challenging. I hear you about, "they are up from their nap, have to go diaper and feed" Time to ourself is done until bedtime. But, I know for me, by then I am exausted and just go to bed when kids do. Please know, I understand and even though your raising four wonderful children alone, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We are here to support and offer encouragement. I am sure your children love you so much! Love, Heidi

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
Sun, 11-25-2012 - 11:25am

It's me again, I got a couple of minutes....I just want to say how grateful I am for how supportive and understanding you have been.  Things haven't gotten any better, it's the worst time of the year for me.  Along with a strained marriage, kids, etc. now there is the constant pressure of the holidays.  I hate the holidays.  It is so hard for me to get through just a regular day, now there is a constant stream of seeing family members and putting up a front that everything is just wonderful with all of us.  I hate smiling, I hate pretending.  I hate having to rob peter to pay paul just to buy gifts.  I don't have the money for anything.  I have tried in the past to politely tell family that we can't participate in gift exchange, that we are only buying for our kids, but they don't listen.  I appreciate that they want us there and involved, but I don't like that they go buy gifts for us to give away.  I would rather just hide under my bed until spring.  There is nothing fun or happy about Christmas for me.  I hate it.  

Last night I slept alone, my husband chose helping his brother over his family again.  It's a long complicated story, but I'll just give you the highlight.  My bro-in-law and I are not speaking, back when all that stupid chic-fil-let contraversy was going on I "liked"  and article I read on yahoo,which posted on my facebook.  He is a gay man(or so he says, cause I have never seen him with anyone) and apparently took offense.  He posted on my facebook that if I believed in the definition of marriage asthe bible says, then since I have been married 3 times, I am a whore.  He said he might not be able to legally marry, but I won't go to heaven because I am a whore.  Naturally I was outraged.  I expected my husband to stand up for me, yet again he did not.  He did go over there and tell him he needed to apologize to be, but nothing else.  That was about 3or 4 months ago.  I have not, nor will i speak to my bro-in-law ever again.  (there is more to the story obviously, but for time's sake I'm just hitting the highlights)  After I was forced to sit through Thanksgiving with my husbands family--yes and my bro-in-law, my husband decides to go gambling with him over the weekend.  He again has choosen his stupid bro-inlaw over me.  I don't really know why I am surprised, he asked me if he could go, I told him I don't care.  In reality I did care, but I want it to be his idea, not do something because I said, then he would have been just a pain in the ass anyway this weekend if he stayed.  My husband is never going to put me on his list of priorities.  I come somewhere under taking the trash out to him.  He knows I hate him, I told him straight to his face because he doesn't get "hints."  He said he didn't care, that it was my personal problem.  He hasn't done anything wrong.  He says he loves me, I told him to never tell me that again, you show me you love me, then we might have a chance.  Gosh, I am sorry, I am rambling.  

I don't know how to end this rant session, so I'll simply say good-bye for now and I do wish you guys a wonderful holiday.  I hope I haven't brought you down, my husband says all I do is bring him down, so I hope I don't do that to you.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sun, 11-25-2012 - 12:26pm

~hugs~

Thank-you so much for sharing your story.

It brought tears to my eyes.

Your voice it's not weak but "Strong"...you are so courageous!

You hit it right on when you said you were just existing, not living not feeling like you were thriving.

With Depression it's hard for others like your husband to know exactly what we are going through, living like we are in a black hole...we know there is light at the end of it but it somehow feels so far away out of our grasp.

It isn't though.

Coming here has helped me immensely even if I don't post but lurk and read the posts, I know I am not alone.

We are suffering, mostly in Silence afraid of the Stigma.

Now I have found I am speaking up and speaking out.

We need/want support, not judgement or pat answers like just suck it up or get over it...not helpful at all even more discouraging.

I try to dwell on what I can do and what I do.

You are a Wonderful person...

I found Heidi and the others here absolutely amazing!

Together we can Conguer this "Beast"!!!

Hold on we are here for you!

<3

Lorie

aka nightangel67

Nightangel
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sun, 11-25-2012 - 12:44pm

You don't bring anyone down hon.

You have a lot on your plate and you need/want support from your husband and that is ONLY natural.

Add in the Depression and it's no wonder why you are feeling the way you do.

My heart goes out to you.

Many of us dread the holidays.

The "Expectations"...

It is a difficult time for many.

I see no problem telling people straight up front I am sorry but we are buying for our children only.

A lot of people are struggling financially, myself included.

Drawing names my be an option.

One person set amount.

I buy for my dd, my ds, and my brother.

Not usually my dad or my sister, bil and my neices and nephews.

I am a single Mom and have been one for twenty-one years now.

I cannot believe that...

After my Mom died my ds was a year old and dd 3 going on 4 my now ex-husband left us when they were 2 and 4 going on five.

So Christmas for me meant the Loss of my beloved Mom and the end of my marriage.

But my dd is a Christmas baby and has brought me Joy.

So has my youngest my ds he is my Sonshine!

Know you aren't Alone and that you are cared for!

:)

Nightangel
Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sun, 11-25-2012 - 2:14pm
Thanks for stopping by the board today and posting. You know we are always here and do care! I cannot believe what you brother in law said to you! Unbelievable!! And your husband hanging out with him after what the guy said to you, his wife! You definetly DO NOT in any way bring me down. I can guess others probably agree on the board. Your post also brought a tear to my eye. You sound like a wonderful person and I so wish things were better. I understand what your saying about the upcoming holiday. A few years ago, I came to the realization that "it seems like you are sapose to be happy on Christmas and enjoy your family" and if you don't have family, then you should be sad. Meaning what it seems like. The expectations of that day is what I struggle with. But, I feel that way now too about Valentines Day, so I question and struggle with the idea that we all are "sapose" to be happy on these dates. For me, that makes me sadder, you know? I sit and think who in my family never makes a effort to call on Christmas or whatever. And, I know so many people that don't like the day because they wish a loved one who passed was there. Again, the expectations of the day. Does that make sense? Do you agree? I am sending you happy thoughts today and look forward to you posting again. Love, Heidi