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|Fri, 11-09-2012 - 2:06pm|
Hello everyone, just a brief introduction of myself...I am new to this board, but not new to depression. I really feel that this is as rock bottom as I can get. There are no miraculous answers I am searching for, just an outlet, just knowing that I do have a small voice left in this world. It seems that things are closing in around me and I can't find a life vest. I almost don't even want one. I am exhausted, defeated, and over it. There are so many things I wish I could change, wish I could do, but being trapped in my mistakes has left me with little hope of change. There are things that must get done, I somehow power through them, diapers, feedings, sex, laundry, etc. I don't really even feel human, I just "get through it." I know I need help, I know I need counseling, perhaps even hospitalization, but that is not possible. I don't have anyone to help me. My parents have their own issues primarily medical, and my husband doesn't give a damn. I have four children that need me to keep them dressed and fed. I don't want to sit here and list all the reasons why I am so depressed, I know my problems are multiplied by hundreds because of my depression. In my head I know it's a chemical imbalance in my brain, but in my day to day life, none of that matters. I am on some medication, but obviously it's not working that well. I don't have time or money to get the help that I need. My husband makes me feel weak because I can't just suck it up and get over things. Truth is I hate and resent him, and even though he won't admit it, he hates and resents me. We are just stuck together...kids, money etc...
There is so much I want to do or explain, but I just don't have the energy. Maybe tomorrow, maybe later, maybe never. Somehow this day will keep going, somehow I will keep going, but I am not living, I am just exsisting. Forgive me. Thanks for reading...you are the only one who wants to hear my weak voice. Bless you for that, no one else wants to.