DH depressed--wife needs help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2000
DH depressed--wife needs help!!!
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 4:27pm

Greetings all!

I am hoping you can help me understand what's up with DH right now.  We have been married for 17 years, together for 21.  We have two sons, ages 13 and 11. I am 42, he is 44.  Literally a month ago he told me he was depressed, then he described his plan to kill himself and make it look like an accident to our conselor who drove him directly to the ER and he spent a week in an inpatient facility.   He came home for a week and a half and moved out on Nov 29.  He says it's temporary, but man, I am going crazy trying to figure this out.  He gives me very little to go on.  He told the boys he is not coming to Christmas Mass and they are devastated--one is serving and really wants his dad there.  He is only coming on Christmas Day for a little while.  He is staying about an hour away at a friend's house, so I guess he will leave his family who loves him and go sit alone, which seems pretty dumb to me--why would you walk away from the three people who love you the most and be alone if things are difficult?  He has all of a sudden remembered/admitted lots and lots of child abuse that he never dealt with, so I see that he needs to make peace with that, but does he have to do it alone?  Obviously he thinks he does, since he's the one who left.  

Help me understand this please!


Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 11:07pm
Welcome to the board! You mentioned you want to understand what is going on and why he is doing this. If he has recently discovered he has depression and recently started to remember some childhood abuse, I can imagine how confused he may feel. In my opinion, it does not sound like he does not love his family, nor is he walking away. He may be trying to deal with all he is remembering and may not know how to handle what happened in his childhood. It sounds like it is not you or your children personally, but rather, he may be struggling to learn how to live with depression. Maybe he needs time to himself to sort out his past. Again, not intending to push away people he loves, rather, he may be confused and afraid. Does that make sense? Maybe let him know that you love and support him and will be there for him through this difficult time. He may be embarrased about what he is remembering and doesn't know how to express thoughts to you and the children. Talking to his counselor I think will help him greatly. If he knows you love him, and that you are going to stand by his side, that will reassure him and comfort him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2000
Sun, 12-16-2012 - 7:21pm

It can also be embarrassing just having people know you are feeling this depressed, been there.  He might be thinking he's sparing you a lot of misery if he's not living with you, too.  I've got a serious depression issue myself and am forever trying to get my husband to just leave, and he tells me he ain't going anywhere.  Saying that because he's likely just overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions and really doesn't know what to do.  So he just does "anything", grasping at straws.  Some of us have a very hard time dealing with depression, others I'm jealous of seem to somehow figure out ways to help themselves better.  Another thing I've found with major/clinical depression is no matter how much support you really have, you still somehow feel very much alone with it.  I think because at the end of the day, you are.  For me that's one of the hardest things of all, I have a support system of people who do love me, but there's only so much they can do.  It might help him if you let him know YOU ain't going anywhere, you intend to stay supportive. 



Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Mon, 12-24-2012 - 8:10pm


It isn't you or your boys, he just needs/wants some time to figure things out...

Depression is not easy to live with whether you have it or someone you know and Love does.

As hard as it may seem, try to be patient, he needs/wants your support but has to work through some things...just be there for him but also take very good care of you to...seek help for yourself...let your boys know that their dad loves them, maybe the two of you could sit down together and figure out where do you as a couple and a family go from here...kwim?

It sounds like he is trying to protect you and spare ALL of you from ALL that he is experiencing.

Not ONLY does he need a good support system but so do you hon...

My heart goes out to you and your family at this time...



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2014
Fri, 02-14-2014 - 5:03pm
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