How can I go on?
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|Wed, 05-22-2013 - 12:35pm|
Hi, all. I was diagnosed last year with major depressive disorder, PTSD, and agoraphobia with panic disorder. I've had these things for about 20 years (I'm 38), but I wasn't diagnosed by a psychiatrist until a year ago. My problem is, I can't seem to hold down a job and never have. When I get a job, things go great for the first few months, but as the stress builds I become suicidal. After two years at my current place of employment (this is the longest I've been able to work at a time in my entire life), things became unbearable.. I've had three bouts of intense suicidal ideation in one year, all directly related to work. For the past 18 months I've tried to find another job (I'm a masters' level accountant), but have been unsuccessful. Even if I find another job, the same thing will happen. The homicidal nightmares, panic attacks, and suicidal ideation will just begin again. This has been an ongoing pattern for 20 years.
I don't know what to do now. My job was a nightmare (but then again, they all are). It came down to being unemployed or dead, and for the sake of my children, I chose unemployment. But as of 6/1 I will have no income and no health insurance to pay for my meds (on Effexor, Abilify, Klonopin, and Prazosin) or my therapist. The government health assistance here in NM was basically shut down two years ago, so I can't even go that route to stay on my meds.
I applied for disability at one point and am considering it again, even though I was turned down the first time. I know that when I stop taking my meds next month, I will probably end up being hospitalized. Part of me prays for that, because it may help my disability case.
Thank you for listening to me. I know my thoughts are rambling and disjointed right now, but it's the best I can do. I'm scared, plain and simple, and don't know how to get out of this place I am in.