How can I go on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
How can I go on?
6
Wed, 05-22-2013 - 12:35pm

Hi, all. I was diagnosed last year with major depressive disorder, PTSD, and agoraphobia with panic disorder. I've had these things for about 20 years (I'm 38), but I wasn't diagnosed by a psychiatrist until a year ago. My problem is, I can't seem to hold down a job and never have. When I get a job, things go great for the first few months, but as the stress builds I become suicidal. After two years at my current place of employment (this is the longest I've been able to work at a time in my entire life), things became unbearable.. I've had three bouts of intense suicidal ideation in one year, all directly related to work. For the past 18 months I've tried to find another job (I'm a masters' level accountant), but have been unsuccessful. Even if I find another job, the same thing will happen. The homicidal nightmares, panic attacks, and suicidal ideation will just begin again. This has been an ongoing pattern for 20 years.

I don't know what to do now. My job was a nightmare (but then again, they all are). It came down to being unemployed or dead, and for the sake of my children, I chose unemployment. But as of 6/1 I will have no income and no health insurance to pay for my meds (on Effexor, Abilify, Klonopin, and Prazosin) or my therapist. The government health assistance here in NM was basically shut down two years ago, so I can't even go that route to stay on my meds.

I applied for disability at one point and am considering it again, even though I was turned down the first time. I know that when I stop taking my meds next month, I will probably end up being hospitalized. Part of me prays for that, because it may help my disability case.

Thank you for listening to me. I know my thoughts are rambling and disjointed right now, but it's the best I can do. I'm scared, plain and simple, and don't know how to get out of this place I am in.

Angie

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2013
Wed, 05-22-2013 - 1:58pm

Wow, you are sure in a real bind. I think I'd get started on the disability if I were you since you can't hold a job because of the depression. It sounds like you really need the assistance. And if you get to feeling suicidal I hope you know to call someone. I found you some numbers and you might want to call anyways and see if they have any advice for you.


National Suicide Hotline USA 1-800-784-2443 or 1-800-273-8255

Good luck and please share what you find out if you call. I would like to know what they recommend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2011
Wed, 05-22-2013 - 11:10pm

You are a very strong woman, to go through all those things for 20 years with no support!  You can hang in there, even though it's hard.  Definitely apply again for that disability.  I don't know what the American disability application looks like, but I know on ours you have to list all the ways in which you're disabled.  List EVERYTHING.  If you can't sleep, list it.  If you have trouble getting out of bed, list it.  If you can't work because of anxiety, list it.  If you're in a fog, LIST IT!  And now that you have a psychiatrist, drag all the help you can get out of him or her.  Use every resource you have -- have your therapist help you fill out the disability forms, or your psych.  Make sure that your psych lists every little thing, too, on their part of the forms (again, I don't know what your forms are like, but here you need a doctor to sign off on your app).

Best of luck, and check in frequently.  I'm pulling for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Thu, 05-23-2013 - 10:26am

I chickened out when I saw my psychiatrist. :( Going to present it to my therapist first. I'm scared they'll say since it only happens once or twice a year, it's not that bad. But the fact that I genuinely want to die most of the time (I just don't tell anyone) should stand for something!

Angie

 

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Fri, 05-24-2013 - 6:03pm

Hi Angie,

((hug))  I am so glad you are still posting.  I am sorry you are scared.  It sounds like you need all the love and support you can get, I hope we here are providing you with that.  Please don't feel like your rambling, your posts are clear and make perfect sense.  I wish I could say something to make things better, maybe just listening is what you would like most.

Do you have any plans for the weekend?  

How old are your children?  I have 2 children (4 yrs. and 8 yrs. old).

Hope to hear from you again soon!!


Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Fri, 05-24-2013 - 6:08pm

I tried to upload a file or attachment for you.  Let me try again and see if you get it in this post.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Tue, 05-28-2013 - 11:50pm

~hugs~

Angie, I am so glad that you are posting...

Sometimes just being able to reach out can change everything!

<3

Lorie

Nightangel