How to find happiness??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
How to find happiness??
4
Mon, 09-26-2011 - 10:08am

I have messed up my life so bad. It all began by me giving into so many depressed feelings, along with anxiety and panic attacks. I had a lot of health issues growing up and had to miss a lot of time from school. Then on the days I could go to school I did not want to because kids made fun of me for being sick and missing so much time. I stayed away from school as long as I could until I went to college and then things were better, however, I was a single mom when I went to college. It took me about 18 years to get my AA degree. There were times I had to take off due to major depression and little support sometimes. There were many times my mom was there to help me out with watching my daughter while I took classes.

I could never hold down a job. I would become so paniced and the anxiety was so bad and I would quit my jobs. I had a very hard time being around people and crowds. I had a lot of things happen when I was growing up that influenced my bad choices. The fact is, they were my choices and they messed my life up. I am now 43 yrs old and am a great big failure. I cannot work now because of chronic pain, depression and anxiety. I am extremely scared about my future.

I am in a relationship with someone I love, but at the same time he gets to me so bad. I hate his mood swings, he is over sensitive sometimes and sometimes I feel I should have better. Someone who can provide better for me. I am not sure if this is fear talking or what, I just know I am not the one who will be able to be as independant as I always wanted to be. I will always have to depend on someone to help support me, or I will end up living on the streets. Not a good thought and I hate that I have made my life so bad. I hate being sick physically, mentally and emotionally.

I can see there are many things I can be thankful for, but this does not end my fear of what will or will not happen to me. Some times I can let go of worrying and other days I worry so much about what will and will not happen to me.

When me and my man get into a disagreement, all I want is to be able to get up and leave and go off on my own. We do not live together at this moment and I spend weekends with him. I would say at least every other weekend I wish I was not with him. I am not happy where I am living. I am very lonely and alone. Sorry, but online friends somedays are not enough. I would like to have someone to go to lunch with. Someone to call when I feel down and need a true friend to listen and who will not judge me.

The pain I feel everyday from my fibromyalgia and arhtritis kills me. The mornings are the worst and I have to fight so hard to get moving and feel happy about my day. Some days, of course, are better than others, but I am so tired of it all.

I have no idea what to do anymore about my life. I am a grown woman and feel like I am a teenager trying to find my way. This is so sad!!!

Hope everyone is having a good day!!!

     ~ Tina ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 09-26-2011 - 10:53am

Well, you summed up my weekend very well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Mon, 09-26-2011 - 12:21pm

I think I run people away with my problems. Even if I do not talk about them a lot. I only need to talk about them once and I think people feel I have too much baggage and want no part of me. I used to have a "friend", but she betrayed me after 20+ years of friendship. It hurt a lot and it has taken me awhile to want another friend. I tried making friends at college, but one moved to Georgia and the other's had their own lives to live and I think a couple did not feel they could relate to me.

I understand your frustration with your husband and the physical pain you are dealing with.

Like you said, it will get better! I hope they do soon for the both of us.

     ~ Tina ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 09-26-2011 - 12:39pm

I have one friend that I just don't understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Mon, 09-26-2011 - 12:57pm

That is so hurtful for your friend to not include you in on girls night out or come by more often. You have been a great friend to her, but unfortunately, she does not seem to know how to be your friend, which is very sad. I know how it feels to be left out of things.

I feel stuck too. It goes through my mind that I will have this to put up with until it is my time to die. I also hope and pray that I do not live to be too old. I hate to say this because I

     ~ Tina ~