I don't deserve my husband :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2008
I don't deserve my husband :(
8
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 5:23pm

My husband is the sweetest, loyal, most caring person I know. I love him so much. But right now I feel like he should leave me.

Im too tired and depressed to help out, I get anxiety and have to leave friends Christmas gatherings early. I don't give him what he deserves.

I know you shouldn't mix alcohol and antidepressants, I know that I can't let myself get black out drunk....

I am not an alcoholic, but I am a mean drunk....But only occasionally, like the last time was over a year ago... I don't know  what triggers it..... It was new years and everyone was drinking dancing and having a grand time. Then I blacked out and only remember bits and pieces. I said such horrible mean things to him. He shouldnt still love me.

I don't know how he found it in his heart to forgive me and I don't feel like I can get passed it. I don't deserve forgiveness I deserve punishment. I don't know how to show how sorry  I really am. I can't erase those horrible things I said....

What is wrong inside me that I would attack the most important thing in my life.  I would be dead, at least inside, if I had not met my husband.

I was so depressed, not on meds. I drank every night and hung out with this guy who I'm pretty sure was an alcoholic not just a college binge drinker. We'd get drunk and I'd yell at him because he'd hurt me emotionally so many times. I deserve that life.... I deserve to be yelled at and treated like a piece of trash....

I hate myself so much but I feel like I'm having a pity party for myself when it's my husband that should be depressed from all the things said. So here I am just trying to get attention.

I do t deserve my husband, my house,toe the future we've planned together....

Avatar for ltlfredom
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2011
Sat, 01-05-2013 - 2:44pm

i remember saying the same thing to myself when i was married to my ex. h. it's ok some day you will feel better about this feeling, hopefully it will past. would like to say a bit about my drinking. i was very young when i had my 1st black out and it was a time later when i was told i had a problem with booze. i was shocked. i thought about it with an open mind and decided to go get help. i learn so much from other people it was wonderful to listen. glad i was willing to be open minded.  please take good care of yourself

                                                      suzy

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sat, 01-05-2013 - 6:21pm

I just read both of your post about what happened when you had too much too drink.  I apologize for the delay responding, I have once again, been sick in bed :(

Please allow forgiveness of yourself.  If he has forgiven you, then maybe you can try to let it go.  I just would not let it happen again.  I am speaking from experience, that I won't get into on here, but if he forgives you, then thank him and move forward to happier times, ok?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2008
Sat, 01-05-2013 - 9:05pm
I don't know if I can forgive myself. He forgave me. He's a wonderful man and I love him so much
Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 3:12pm

I was wondering how you are doing?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2008
Sat, 01-26-2013 - 7:49pm
Things are going better. I'm staying away from alcohol mostly for the time being. I'm so lucky that my husband is able to forgive me and move on. He's taught me so much about life and relationships. I don't ever want to treat him so badly again.
Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sun, 01-27-2013 - 2:09pm
  1. Good to hear!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2011
Mon, 02-11-2013 - 6:20am

You are an amazing woman!  The fact that you want to be better and that you're trying shows me that you do deserve your husband.  He loves you, and the best thing you can do is keep loving him back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2008
Sat, 02-16-2013 - 10:34pm

Thank you for the kind words and support