I'm so tired of this. Again. Some more. Possible triggers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2011
I'm so tired of this. Again. Some more. Possible triggers.
4
Sat, 05-04-2013 - 12:42pm

I am.  I'm tired of being sick and useless and hating myself.  I know I've posted this before, but it's just coming around again.  I've made a big accomplishment, I think, being suicide-attempt-free for over three months, and I haven't done anything self-destructive.  I know I can go longer: I made it almost seven years at one point without even cutting.  Now I feel like destroying myself completely.  I won't -- I'm stronger than that, I am -- but I want to, and that's what troubles me.  Why do I feel like this when from the outside, I have such a wonderful life?  Three beautiful boys, a wonderful husband, a fabulously cute (and pain in the butt) dog, we're financially secure, have wonderful family support...really, people think we have the ideal life, that I have it all together, but I'm falling apart behind the scenes.  I need someone to swoop in and save me.  I need to care again.

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007

((Rhae))

I have come as you have wished too, "swoop in and save you"   BIG HUG ♥

I know what you mean about other people thinking we, "have it all together" but inside, we cry and cry alone in the darkness.

My friend, I wish I could say something to make you feel better.  I can remind you that you are a absolutely wonderful person and you have your DH and 3 boys who love you so so much!!  And, I know you have many more people who care about you (me).

What is that song from the 1980's, (When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Gets Going) .... something like that.  You are a strong woman and you are needed and loved!!

Keep hanging on, you are not alone ♥

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2011

Thanks, Heidi.  :)

I feel like things have gotten worse.  Now my DH is mad because the house is a mess and he feels like he's the only one who cares.  I feel helpless to change anything around me and like there's no hope of seeing any change in myself.  I'm afraid that if I keep on like this my marriage is going to start falling apart.  Maybe that's the BPD talking; we are, after all, terrified of being left alone, as a general rule.  At any rate, the fear is real.  Every once in a while I get desperate and start trying to change everything all at once, and then I fail miserably because I can't do everything all at once.  Then I get like I am now (hopeless and depressed) and my husband gets mad and the whole cycle starts again.  And now I've come to vent on here and feel like I'm whining.  I just don't know any practical solutions.

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007

((Rhae))

How are you doing today?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2011

I'm hanging in.  Still can't face the mess or even get my lazy bum to empty the dishwasher or put in laundry.  I just want to rot my brain and whine.  Hoping I'll feel better tonight after I go to the pool; I went yesterday afternoon and felt better (partially thanks to the fact that I swam 1500m, my farthest ever).  I'm trying to convince myself to do something but it's not worked so far.  Thanks for asking.