It's been a while and i"m not doing well
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|Sun, 02-24-2013 - 6:44pm|
The last time I was on here was in May shortly after my brother passed away. I felt that I really needed to take some time away from the computer and force myself to not sit and "whine". Shortly after that, my dad got seriously ill and I spent a great deal of time with him. He recovered and then my mother-in-law passed out and drove the car in the ditch. So I spent a great deal of time with her. Then I got pneumonia - recovered. Daddy fell off roof (yes, he shouldn't have been up there in the first place - 80 years old). He fractured his leg, got pneumonia and was recovering when he had a massive heart attack and passed away mid-January. Since then I've spent at least several hours every other day or every day with my mom. We need to be together right now. All this since May 4! And of course, I'm still coping with my depression and husband's OCPD. Most days I handle things pretty well or at least I thought I was.
This morning I had the strangest dream - my eyes wouldn't open. (I dream that a lot). Then when they did open I was out of my marriage and workiing in a mission program. I died and started to be lifted to heaven. On the way up, I asked the angel to protect my new grandchild due in July. The angel decided it wasn't my time yet and brought me back. I can't help but think God is trying to tell me something but can't figure out what. I pray daily asking for guidance with my life because I'm not happy. And I really think He's sending me a message in this one - it's just a feeling.
And then this afternoon, DD came over to help clean out her old room. She commented about how cluttered this house was becoming. She's right. It is very bad. I told her I was being a selfish spoiled brat in a way. Husband hogs all the garage space with his clutter. I've asked and begged and suggested we build a shed for some of his stuff but no. So I just decided to quit cleaning. I mean occassionally I will run the vacuum or he will mop the floor and the toilets and bathrooms get cleaned. It's not like you see on tv or anything but it is pretty bad. She told me that I needed to talk to him. I've talked to him until I'm blue in the face. He's going to keep his crap in the garage and I'm only hurting myself by living this way but I just don't have the energy to do differently.
I've sat and cried ever since she left. I haven't been to counseling since before daddy died and I know I have to make that phone call but I only think about it at night or on the weekend when he's not available for scheduling.
Any support would be appreciated.