It's been a while and i"m not doing well

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
It's been a while and i"m not doing well
7
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 6:44pm

Hi,

The last time I was on here was in May shortly after my brother passed away.  I felt that I really needed to take some time away from the computer and force myself to not sit and "whine".  Shortly after that, my dad got seriously ill and I spent a great deal of time with him.  He recovered and then my mother-in-law passed out and drove the car in the ditch.  So I spent a great deal of time with her.  Then I got pneumonia - recovered.  Daddy fell off roof (yes, he shouldn't have been up there in the first place - 80 years old).  He fractured his leg, got pneumonia and was recovering when he had a massive heart attack and passed away mid-January. Since then I've spent at least several hours every other day or every day with my mom. We need to be together right now.  All this since May 4!  And of course, I'm still coping with my depression and husband's OCPD.  Most days I handle things pretty well or at least I thought I was.

This morning I had the strangest dream - my eyes wouldn't open.  (I dream that a lot).  Then when they did open I was out of my marriage and workiing in a mission program.  I died and started to be lifted to heaven.  On the way up, I asked the angel to protect my new grandchild due in July.  The angel decided it wasn't my time yet and brought me back.  I can't help but think God is trying to tell me something but can't figure out what.  I pray daily asking for guidance with my life because I'm not happy.  And I really think He's sending me a message in this one - it's just a feeling.

And then this afternoon, DD came over to help clean out her old room.  She commented about how cluttered this house was becoming.  She's right.  It is very bad.  I told her I was being a selfish spoiled brat in a way.  Husband hogs all the garage space with his clutter.  I've asked and begged and suggested we build a shed for some of his stuff but no.  So I just decided to quit cleaning.  I mean occassionally I will run the vacuum or he will mop the floor and the toilets and bathrooms get cleaned.  It's not like you see on tv or anything but it is pretty bad.  She told me that I needed to talk to him.  I've talked to him until I'm blue in the face.  He's going to keep his crap in the garage and I'm only hurting myself by living this way but I just don't have the energy to do differently.  

I've sat and cried ever since she left.  I haven't been to counseling since before daddy died and I know I have to make that phone call but I only think about it at night or on the weekend when he's not available for scheduling. 

Any support would be appreciated.

Thanks!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
HUGS to you. Why is it that when we need someone the most, it's always "after hours"? I am really in no place right now to give advice, so I am just sending you hugs and prayers. Becky
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005

I had finally settled down and stopped crying.  Husband came in and asked what's wrong.  So I tried to talk to him about why I was upset.  I mentioned the clutter comment that my DD made and how I just really didn't care about it any more.  The clutter doesn't bother me - it bothers my husband.  My not being able to park in garage b/c of all of his toys bothers me.  So I mentioned these things to him and he got very defensive about how he asks me to pick up and how I don't care.....    Well, I pointed out to him it's a two way street and that he doesn't care either.   Then I said that's what has me so upset.  Neither one of caares what the other wants anymore.  And I told him I'm especially sensitive to this right now.  Mom and dad were happily married for 61 years.  Dad cared about mom til the very end and she about him.  I want that and I'm not going to have that.  His response to what I was hoping would be a turning point for us was for him to just walk out and go about his business like I hadn't said a word.   So now I'm back to crying again!!

As soon as dryer stops, I'm just gonna take an ambien and go to bed!!  Gonna just try to sleep through this pain tonight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005

I had finally settled down and stopped crying.  Husband came in and asked what's wrong.  So I tried to talk to him about why I was upset.  I mentioned the clutter comment that my DD made and how I just really didn't care about it any more.  The clutter doesn't bother me - it bothers my husband.  My not being able to park in garage b/c of all of his toys bothers me.  So I mentioned these things to him and he got very defensive about how he asks me to pick up and how I don't care.....    Well, I pointed out to him it's a two way street and that he doesn't care either.   Then I said that's what has me so upset.  Neither one of caares what the other wants anymore.  And I told him I'm especially sensitive to this right now.  Mom and dad were happily married for 61 years.  Dad cared about mom til the very end and she about him.  I want that and I'm not going to have that.  His response to what I was hoping would be a turning point for us was for him to just walk out and go about his business like I hadn't said a word.   So now I'm back to crying again!!

As soon as dryer stops, I'm just gonna take an ambien and go to bed!!  Gonna just try to sleep through this pain tonight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 02-26-2013 - 10:35am

I dont have much good advice but when I read your posts I am sorry but it sounds as if you have been on the victim and martyr train for a very long time and you like it there.. Not for reasons that you know but some underlying deep rooted soul reason... I have been there so I am speaking from experience.. Right now at ripe old age of 58 I am uncovering lots of past emotional trauma with EFT and energywork.. I do think I dont deserve the best so am working on that and knowing I do deserve good things.. Been abused  most of my life by family and husbands and since 2008 I stopped all abuse to me with a lot of hard work...there are days where I still go back and forth with people treating me bad but I deal with it instead of burying it...Getting out the gunk inside of me is making me move forward into loving myself more and knowing that good things are coming to me....because there is no resistance..

Unless you start doing different and uncovering this you will remain the victim.. If that is the state you want to be in forever then okay accept it and live life like that. If not and you want to change then find all kinds of modalities to get you there and move on from this life that keeps you stuck.. Its not your husband but the life here on earth you have chosen for yourself..

take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2011

*hugs*

It sounds like you've had a rough go and now you're in a rut that you can't get out of.  As far as things go with your hubby and the house, honestly, I'd say to just let the garage go.  You want a marriage that lasts, and sometimes it's best for us to pick our battles as wisely as we can, and just accept things when we know we can't win, or even (as it sounds in this case) compromise.  If your DH refuses to even try to see your side, there's nothing you can do, and it's not healthy to waste so much energy crying over it.

Let him have the garage -- accept that you have a storage room with a really big outside door.  ;)  Tackle that mess in the house and make it into a place that you're proud to live in, not because your husband wants you to pick up, but because you deserve it!  You deserve a place that's restful and healthy to live in.  And if you want a place of your own, take your DD's old room and turn it into a craft room, private sitting room, whatever it is that makes you happy.

The other suggestion I have, if you can do it, is to say, "Hey, honey, I thought we could spend this Saturday organising the garage.  I know that you want to keep your stuff it there, but it would be great if we could fit your stuff in in a way that would let us park the car, too."  And then, if he agrees (and you might leave that last sentence out), tackle the mess in there on his terms.  Don't throw anything out unless he wants to; just sort things into rubbermaids, label them, and stack them nicely on some sturdy shelves.  It might take more than a day, but any progress is good progress.

I hope that you and your DH are able to come to some sort of an agreement on the way the house is right now.  Just don't give up; he's an old dog, and it's hard for them to learn new tricks at the best of times.  ;)

Hope to see you on here more often.  We're all here for each other, and that includes YOU.

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001

http://www.recoverfromdepression.com/clutter.htm

I thought this might help...:)...
~hugs~
<3
Lorie

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Nightangel
Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007

Toby,

I am glad to see you back online, but am sorry to read what has occured in your family since May (hug).  Please know, you have our support on here. 

I have been looking into the meaning of dreams a bit more these days and believing there is meaning behind them.  Would you like me to research your dream and let you know what it could mean?  I found some good resources that seem accurate.  It is up too you.

I am sorry things have not changed with DH.  I wish I could offer the words that would make it better, but I don't know them myself.  I definetly can offer support and a shoulder anytime you need it!! ♥