My Story (Long)
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|Wed, 10-31-2012 - 4:20pm|
It was about 12 years ago that I was diagnosed with Depression. It runs in my family. I didn't think much of it, just went on medication and went on with my life. I was young and didn't understand what depression was or how it would affect me as a wife, mother, person. Over the years it has gotten worse, but I was blind to it. My way of dealing with it was to ignore it, I didn't have time to be depressed. I had 3 kids, husband, career, school, family, etc etc. I "overcame" my depression was by controlling my life and everyone and thing in my life.
My husband has gone thru a few bad times in our marriage. I was right there with him, supporting him, helping him overcome. I took over. It was easier for him to withdraw and ignore the problems around him. I became his "mom". I thought I was doing what was best. I would get lonely and frustrated and kept telling him throughout the years that I needed my husband back, I wanted my love back, someone to help me and support me and be there with me. Maybe he half heartedly tried, but he tells me it was easier for him to back off and just let me do things my way.
My husband was tested for a TBI and put on medication almost 2 months ago. About 6 weeks ago he "woke up" and said he isn't happy. I asked him to be an adult and was was going to be one from now on. I cheered, I couldn't wait. Then things started to go downhill. I didn't know how to back off and include him. I realized I was going to need help and found a licenced marriage counselor. I knew between the 2 of us we were going to need to make alot of changes.
Then the downhill became an avalanche. He told me he wasn't happy, said he hasnt been happy for a long time now. He was thinking of leaving me but promised to do the marriage counseling to try and get things back on track. Then I found out he was having an emotional affair with another woman. She made him "happy" and he wasn't going to break it off with her. My depression hit rock bottom. Suicide was a definate thought and option for me. He barely was able to hold onto me. I realized it was stupid and didn't go thru with it.
I learned the hard way that without the control I didn't have the strength. To me the 2 words were the same. I have started the process to see a psychiatrist for medication and a therapist who specializes in depression. But the appointment is still 2 weeks away.
My husband is having all the spouse issues, he can't "see" the depression and can't understand just how invasive this illness is. He is frustrated, angry, selfish. He doesn't want to go through life anymore like the last 15 years. But he can't seem to understand that I don't want to either. He says he loves me but half the time I don't believe him. My anxiety and paranoia are off the charts. He pushes me away because he can't stand me the way I am. He doesn't want to fall in the bad habits we both picked up over the last 12 years. He tells me he is going thru a roller coaster of emotions. I can't get him to make ANY decisions when it comes to our marriage. He says there is no spark, but he loves me. He says I don't make him happy anymore, that we have nothing in common. This other woman, he can joke with and talk to, but he won't even try with me. It makes the depression worse and he just looks at me like I am a nuisance.
He is the only support system I have. He wants to be room mates while he figures himself out and this marriage. I don't know what to do or where to go. I want him to be strong for me now that I am weak and I don't think he can do it. I am just so sad and alone right now. How do I make him understand what I am going thru? How do I get him to understand the me he fell in love with 15 yrs ago is still there and desperate to come out again?