My Story (Long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2008
My Story (Long)
11
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 4:20pm

It was about 12 years ago that I was diagnosed with Depression.  It runs in my family.  I didn't think much of it, just went on medication and went on with my life.  I was young and didn't understand what depression was or how it would affect me as a wife, mother, person.  Over the years it has gotten worse, but I was blind to it. My way of dealing with it was to ignore it, I didn't have time to be depressed.  I had 3 kids, husband, career, school, family, etc etc.  I "overcame" my depression was by controlling my life and everyone and thing in my life.

My husband has gone thru a few bad times in our marriage.  I was right there with him, supporting him, helping him overcome.  I took over.  It was easier for him to withdraw and ignore the problems around him.  I became his "mom".  I thought I was doing what was best.  I would get lonely and frustrated and kept telling him throughout the years that I needed my husband back, I wanted my love back, someone to help me and support me and be there with me.  Maybe he half heartedly tried, but he tells me it was easier for him to back off and just let me do things my way.

My husband was tested for a TBI and put on medication almost 2 months ago.  About 6 weeks ago he "woke up" and said he isn't happy.  I asked him to be an adult and was was going to be one from now on.  I cheered, I couldn't wait.  Then things started to go downhill.  I didn't know how to back off and include him.  I realized I was going to need help and found a licenced marriage counselor.  I knew between the 2 of us we were going to need to make alot of changes.

Then the downhill became an avalanche.  He told me he wasn't happy, said he hasnt been happy for a long time now.  He was thinking of leaving me but promised to do the marriage counseling to try and get things back on track.  Then I found out he was having an emotional affair with another woman.  She made him "happy" and he wasn't going to break it off with her.  My depression hit rock bottom.  Suicide was a definate thought and option for me.  He barely was able to hold onto me.  I realized it was stupid and didn't go thru with it.

I learned the hard way that without the control I didn't have the strength.  To me the 2 words were the same.  I have started the process to see a psychiatrist for medication and a therapist who specializes in depression.  But the appointment is still 2 weeks away.

My husband is having all the spouse issues, he can't "see" the depression and can't understand just how invasive this illness is.  He is frustrated, angry, selfish.  He doesn't want to go through life anymore like the last 15 years.  But he can't seem to understand that I don't want to either.  He says he loves me but half the time I don't believe him.  My anxiety and paranoia are off the charts.  He pushes me away because he can't stand me the way I am.  He doesn't want to fall in the bad habits we both picked up over the last 12 years.  He tells me he is going thru a roller coaster of emotions.  I can't get him to make ANY decisions when it comes to our marriage.  He says there is no spark, but he loves me.  He says I don't make him happy anymore, that we have nothing in common.  This other woman, he can joke with and talk to, but he won't even try with me.  It makes the depression worse and he just looks at me like I am a nuisance.

He is the only support system I have.  He wants to be room mates while he figures himself out and this marriage.  I don't know what to do or where to go.  I want him to be strong for me now that I am weak and I don't think he can do it.  I am just so sad and alone right now.  How do I make him understand what I am going thru?  How do I get him to understand the me he fell in love with 15 yrs ago is still there and desperate to come out again? 

Lynn

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Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 6:32pm

((((Lynn))))

Sending you a very big strong hug.  I am so sorry for what you are going through.  Your post was not long and it makes sense.  I have my opinion, but no sure if you want a opinion?  I will let you answer this post, before I go on, if you just want someone to listen, that is fine, or if you are wanting advice.

I can say you sound like a loving, good, caring person!!  You sound like you are living up to the marriage vows, wihich I think is so good of you and honorable of you as a wife and a mother.  You can be proud that you are trying to hold your family together.  Even having depression, you are being strong, good for you!  I can imagine your 3 children love their mother and probably do not want to see you hurting like this.  Please continue to post here and I hope you will receive much caring and support on our board.

I will write more of my opinion, if you would like?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2008
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 10:42am

Yes please.  I would like to some feedback.  This may be the only place I get any support.  I feel like throwing a temper tantrum I am that frustrated right now.  On one hand I want to yell at him and ask how he can be such a weak person when I need him. And then on the other hand I see how I behaved and think about how unlovable I was.  I just feel like no one wants me, I feel forgotten.  No one talks to me anymore, the kids talk to dad about school.  By the time I get home I help finish up dinner, we eat and the kids go do their thing until time for bed.  Husband will chat with his "girlfriend" by text or just ignore me and watch tv.  I try and talk to him, but most all I get is "I don't know"  He is confused.  He wants happiness now, why should he have to wait? What happens if he can't be happy with me again?  But what about me?  I feel walked on and taken advantage of.  Most days I just want to crawl into a hole and cry and just never wake up. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 10:46am

Hey,

I am real sorry you are dealing with all this right now. Life can really slam us when we don't need any more hassle. You sound like a wonderful caring and supportive person and I sure hope you will get the support you need right now. You have found a great place to come talk as everyone here is just wonderfully supportive even when they have their own struggles and you know our Heidi is just great and helps us all.

Love

Promise



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2008
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 11:38am

Thank you for the welcome.  Being here helps me see that I am not the only one going through this and that helps. 

I never realized depression was this overwhelming in a person's life.  I did all the research to help my DH with his ADHD and it didn't occur to me to research the depression.  I feel so paralyzed some days and confused on the others.  My life feels like it is on complete standstill until I get to my appointment in 2 weeks to find some medication and start counseling.  I even put my name on the cancellation list just in case something came up quicker. 

 It's a 2-hr evaluation and as much as I am looking forward to it I am dreading it at the same time.  I don't want to look that deeply at myself, I am afraid of what I will see.  They will also give me medication.  I want DH to go with me, sometimes he can be more truthful than me or he sees something I don't.  I am trying to get him to find a support group so he can see he isn't the only spouse going through this and to see things will get better.  He is still at the stage of "why can't you just snap out of it?" and if he can't see it he has trouble understanding its an illness.

I am learning just how much this also affects a spouse and kids.  That makes me feel worse putting everyone through this for so long.  I am also learning that a spouse has a higher rate of getting depression if you already have it.  I would like DH to be evaluated to see if he is going through a light stage of depression himself.  He suffers from anxiety attacks, thought to be from his ADHD but lately I have been wondering if its depression too.

Thank you.

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 2:14pm

Big hug, you are important!!  How old are your kids?

You wanted my opinion, ok, here it is:  you are worth more than how it sounds he is treating you!  You deserve to be loved, no matter what!  Just typing and thinking in my mind, I don't know you, but it makes me very annoyed that he sits and texts his, "girlfriend" in your home!!!  Has he called her that?  Or is it what you feel.  He made marriage vows to you the day he married you and in my opinion he is not in the right to ignor you.  I know you love him.  I know it hurts.  I know you want him to be happy.  I know this is so hard and you feel so alone.  Please know, you will find support here, I can tell you that.  I am holding back saying this, but you wanted my opinion, ugh, I do not ever give opinions on here, but I can't stand how he is hurting you!!  You are innocent and deserve so much better.  If he wants out, I personally would stand up, be as strong as I can, and let him walk out the door.  I KNOW THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT.  But, he seems to be making it worse by sitting there, ignoring you, and texted another woman in front of you and your children.  How can he do that?!?!  Where did his heart and respect of you go?!?!

I think you mentioned you have been depressed a long time.  Did that affect your marriage?  I can share with you that I have been married for 9 years and we have 2 children.  I have been in bed often for the past year, due to medical problems that we are still going to dr.s to find a answer.  My husband has picked up my slack around the house and I know he is very tired and drained.  But, I now see what he has been doing and I am taking responsibility and not laying in bed anymore.  I feel I made promises on our wedding day and we chose to have children.  As long as we live under this roof together, I feel I need to do my half of the commitments I have chosen.

(Husband and I tried the "roomate" idea living together, it did not work)

I am so sorry this is happening.  Again, I am a strong believer in marriage vows (they are like promises to me).  If one partner is going to think they can find happiness somewhere other then their home and family, then that person is walking away from someone who is a honorable and it is not fair to the partner that is trying.  Walk away if you must (I would say) and see if the grass is so much greener somewhere else.

If he would try, then okay.  But, don't sit here and hurt me each day. 

You are stronger than you think!!!!!  Please post again, we are here.  I hope I did not offend or upset you.  I may have spoke out of line, please know these are my opinions.  Whatever you decide to do, I personally will respect and still be here.

Sending you hugs.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2008
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 3:15pm

We have been together 16 years come December and married for 15.  We have 3 kids (14, 11, 10). 

I think that is one reason I always fought the idea of being depressed.  While I wanted to lay in bed and everyday I could just stare at it wanting so bad to just climb back in the sheets, I was the one who was financially taking care of the family.  I held a steady job or 2 jobs at times while he would be employed, unemployed, employed, etc.  In my mind I could say I wasn't depressed as long as I wasn't climbing back in bed.

I have had depression for at least 12 years that I can recognize.  It runs in my family.  My father is bi-polar and by brother had some depression earlier but has seem to overcome it.  I am the odd one out within my family.  They are all extroverts except my dad and we are both introverts.  They all have tons of friends and places to go and fun to be found.  My dad plays on his computer and watches tv for hours on end.  I have never really had a close friend and feel forgotten if I do make one.  I usually just stay at home and care for the hubby and kids. 

Hubby feels like I am suffocating him and wants to do the "roommate" thing.  I am fighting him on that.  I know he is unhappy.  But so am I.  I keep telling him that his choice was made when he married me, in sickness and in health, in good times and bad.  Well I was there for him during his sickness and when he made times bad, now its his turn to be there for me and honor those same vows.

He doesnt call the lady his girlfriend but says they are friends, he has "strong" feelings for her and refuses to break off the relationship.  In the last 2 weeks he has kept me on a rollercoaster where I should be concentrating on me I can't.  I have never been so sick as I have been these last 2 weeks.  He has told me he loves me, he told me he fell out of love with me, told me he would stay with me, told me he could give it a year and see where things go, told me he was going to leave me once I was on the medication and "stronger".

I so want to just walk him out the door and straight to her.  Unfortunately, financially neither one of us could afford for either one to leave.  So I am stuck with him.  And stupidly I do still love him.  I just want to call him a huge a** wuss, a big baby, kick him in a delicate spot and tell him to grow a pair.  I have never been a violent person before but when it comes to my husband and this woman, my brain has gone into overdrive into exactly what I would like to do to each of them and how good it would feel.

I have told him that I wouldn't stand in his way if he wanted to leave, but then I get mad and don't think he should get off that lightly.  I love him and chose him for all his good and bad.  I am not going to make him take a good hard look and see what life if really like.

I do realize that I have been WAYYYYY over controlling and that in other areas I lag behind and don't do well in.  I feel like its a no win situation.

You didn't say anything out of line and I am trying to listen to everyone.  I know my own thoughts are skewed so if I listen to other people on both sides of the depression I can get an idea of where my head is and try and level it back off.

Thank you for your thoughts and the help you have given me.

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 8:28pm

Hi Lynn,

I thought I would tell you I sent you a private message on iVillage.  Not sure if everyone can read their private messages, as I know iVillage is working on some changes. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2008
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 8:41am

My husband and I are going to marriage counseling.  This lady seems pretty smart.  She can see we are both to blame for where we are now.  My biggest problem is I am letting my depression run my life, it is in control.  So I have to work on getting my own control back...easier said than done I think.  Looking back at my life I can't believe how timid I have become, my self-esteem and self-image is almost 0.  I used to be very confident on who I was and where I was going.  It seems like it all disappeared overnight. 

My homework for this week is to kiss my husband.  To just go up and plant him a good one.  And that scares me to death!  Why should that scare me????  Then I realize I probably haven't taken that initiative in MONTHS if not YEARS!  All these negative thoughts go through my brain at lightening speed (What if he doesn't want me to kiss him?  What if he doesn't like it? What if I do it wrong?and I know its the depression.  I am trying to battle it.  It feels like the hardest thing I have ever done before.  I want to be me again, fun-loving, trying new things, just us 2 going out like we used to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2008
Fri, 11-02-2012 - 4:41pm

Can you have stage fright of everyday life?  Can depression do that?  Make you so afraid of making a move the thought of doing anything that might bring attention to you causes you to freeze and hide in yourself?

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sat, 11-03-2012 - 1:44pm

YES, I think so!!

Does anyone else have any thoughts?

 

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