Scared....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2011
Scared....
4
Sun, 10-30-2011 - 2:56pm

This is the first time ive ever posted to a board. Usually I just go to google and type in things like "I want to die" and "God help me".. Sometimes just typing the words outloud is enough to get them "off the chest" and keep the feeling at bay. It's starting to work less and less. I'm on depression meds. and go to therapy at least once a week but it doesn't help. Thing is my "situation" I find myself in is a depressing situation, even my therapist acknowledged that. I sit and cry, I feel so alone, sometimes I wonder how can a heart hurt this badly but still keep beating? I feel overwhelmed, scared, lonely, tired and angry,, I can't die and yet i can't live, I feel stuck in this horrible box, Ive tried blogging, journaling everything. I'm not even sure why i'm writing this here, i'm shaking so badly. I try to pray but words won't come. I try to read my bible but I don't know what to read.. I reach out constantly but the people that say they want to know, don't really.. They all back away and only speak to me when I say i'm feeling good, they say i'm a downer and negative, but thats what i'm feeling.. Im sorry,, i don't even know what i'm doing here.. I feel like im babbing and not making any sense.. im sorry..

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2011
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 1:22am

I do not have experience with clinical depression, but I came across this post and felt as though I had to reply.

I talk a lot about my doctor, Dr. Julie Chen and her company Making Healthy EZ, because she has helped me through so much. I am a college student and I experience my share of anxiety, stress, and seasonal depression, and Dr. Julie Chen has given me a lot of advice on how to not only live a phyisically healthy life, but also a mentally healthy life.

I cannot say that I understand how you're feeling, because I don't. But I sympathize and empathize with you. You should know that your feelings are valid...you are entitled to feel how you're feeling...because in life, we all have the freedom to do and think as we wish. But you are also entitled and you DESERVE to feel happy and valuable. I want to point out some things that might help...

Dr. Julie Chen really helped me with stress management (which for me, personally, was the cause of my anxiety and depression)...Breathe....just close your eyes and focus on your breathing...this is a great de-stressing technique. It sounds funny...but just breathe and try to block EVERYTHING out of your mind except the fact that you're breathing...it's so hard. My mind always wanders to everything that I have to get done and all thing things I need to do. But that's the point of the breathing exercise...to block out everything except for your breathing.

Does music relax you? What about certain scents, like lavender? What about looking at calming pictures? What if you set aside a small amount of time to just listen to music, and relax with a scented candle burning? Aromatherapy is very theraputic. Delve into exploring what is relaxing for each of your senses...sight, touch, smell, taste, hearing...anything that can help you relax.

You deserve to be happy! Because you are important and loved and thought highly of! Reward yourself for your hard work...whether it's that you just finished a tough assignment, had a hard workout, finished a long book, had a serious conversation with a family member...whatever it is. Don't forget to give yourself credit for the things you do and the hard work you accomplish. This positive mood boost might help to lift your mood and boost your energy.

I know you said you have tried journaling or writing....have you tried painting or incorporating some hobby that you used to like as a child? Have you ever danced? Do you enjoy any other art form, like editing movies or photo-shopping pictures?

Set aside time for yourself to do what you enjoy...remember that you're important and that you deserve to allow your mind and body to be happy and you deserve to partake in fun activities. And try to surround yourself with a good group of people who will support you. You deserve time for yourself...not only to have fun, but to further yourself intellectually (like in school or studying or some type of brain-stimulating activity), physically (through activities and exercise such as running, the gym, walking, hiking, etc), and mentally/emotionally (through laughing with friends, laughing at funny movies, spending time with loved ones, etc.)

I believe life is a gift. Every person is on earth for a reason...and if you don't believe you have a purpose, then you simply haven't found your exact purpose yet...but it's out there! You have a purpose. Keep faith no matter what. Because faith is what keeps people sane. Loved ones and laughing also keeps people happy. Talk to people more...it seems as though whatever resources you're using aren't enough at the moment...keep reaching out...more therapy, more talks with your family and friends. You don't have to be depressed and miserable alone.

You are a fantastic person. Everyone has flaws, and that (essentially) is what makes them "perfect." I know that might sound cliche, but it's true. I believe in the positive characteristics in everyone. Every person has a talent, a skill, or an ability that makes them special and sets them apart from every one else in a good way...something that makes them shine. Whether it's something like playing an instrument or a sport incredibly well, the ability to write an amazing story...or even the ability to smile at someone and know that you made them happy. In a world as big as ours, even the small things count. The item you pick up for someone after they dropped it...that action makes someone else happy and is a positive reflection on you. You letting someone go in front of you in line...that action makes someone else happy and is further evidence that you are a good, beautiful person. Everything counts. Reward yourself for simply being you. You are loved, and you are cared about.

I hope this helped...like I said, I don't have much experience with clinical depression. But I wanted to let you know that you deserve to be happy.

Please take care of yourself.

Live.Laugh.Love.Learn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 5:37am

HI, I am sorry you are hurting.

What suggestions does your therapist have?

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 11:12am

Welcome to the board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 11-01-2011 - 10:32pm

Hi and welcome to the board!

I am so sorry you are feeling this way.