so i guess it IS me... how can i stop it???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-1999
so i guess it IS me... how can i stop it???
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 7:43am

we had DS10's case manager from the department of mental health at our house on Friday to discuss what our options are in dealing with DS10 and keeping our family stable. The poor guy ended up playing mediator too as things were getting heated. it is so OBVIOUS how frustrated DH is with this whole situation. I don't blame him and i totally understand. however, i don't have the skills and self confidence, nor do i have the experience to draw from that will guide me!!! in the family i was raised in, there was BLATANTLY OBVIOUS favoritism and none of us children were treated the same. i experienced one form of parenting but witnessed something else. no wonder i've got so many mixed messages!! (and DH came from a very consistent home.)

the slap in the face was that during our meeting, even though the case manager agreed with both of us, he confirmed for DH that he is not asking for much (3 simple rules) and reinforced how my lack of consistency was damaging to DS10 & our family relationship. as much as it hurt to hear, i know it's true. but what really ENRAGES me is that i have asked pretty much every service we have ever been involved with to HELP me with consistency. for whatever reason, whether it's my ADHD or some inner emotional hangup, I have NEVER been able to follow through with anything. i always take the easy way out. as far as parenting styles go, i am the poster child for Permissive. and I HATE it!!! more so than i can even express.... I am NOT the mother who i want to be but something is holding me back from being the way I DO want to be!!

DH has me spinning in circles too. He says he won't ever make me choose between him or the kids... but then last night he called himself a liar and said it I don't get this figured out he is leaving. he says he will be supportive and help guide me through this.... then he says he's done and I'm on my own figuring it out. He says how easy it is, even it I put in at least 5% each day every day - not 5% one day, 0% the next, 10% the next - that he will see and be happy with my progress/change. yet then again I must have to go from 0 - 100 because I've got a clock ticking.... he says he's gonna leave, then he says he could never leave.... I am so confused! so not only do I need to be able to relearn how to parent my children but I also have to focus and stress about my husband leaving.

DH was talking last night about how unhealthy my relationship is with DS10. I agree. I remember seeing how unhealthy my mother & sister's relationship was and I am reliving the same thing with DS10. DH was saying that he doesn't want DS5 to be in such an unhealthy home.... neither do I. I don't want any of us to be in such an unhealthy dynamic. DS10 requires so much more than the "average kid" due to his ADHD & PDD-NOS. you'd think that since I know this, I should be willing/able to compensate for it. Why can't I? I don't know if it's subconcious resentment towards his dad, exhaustion from advocating to get him help alone (nobody saw the problem but me) or if it's even fear of retaliation? when DS10 wasn't stable mentally he used to hit me. As screwy as it is, it's like part of me "protects" myself from setting him off by being so permissive. Yey I see the destruction it causes.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm exhausted. I'm depressed. I'm overwhelmed. But I'm also determined and WANT to conquor this!!!!!!! however wanting isn't enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 2:44pm


wish I had some great words of wisdom that would help but it takes a united front to raise kids and it would probably help if your DH could sit down quietly with you and work out how you can both present a united front to the kids. And he needs to help support you to do this.



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2011
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 2:33pm

Oh my gosh, I hear such pain in your post; I wish I had some really great words of wisdom to share. But I can say, I do admire your determination and the fact that you're really not shying away from self-examination. The fact that you and your husband are trying to work together and seeking assistance is wonderful.

As for the curve your DH threw you about leaving; it could be he's spinning emotionally, too. Parenting, even under the best of circumstances, can be an emotional roller coaster. I don't know how much of what you've shared here has been shared with your DH, but it sounds like you have at least a pretty decent grasp on where your own shortcomings are, but you need to figure out how to over come them. Teamwork is essential; that means coming up with a plan of action together and seeing it through... together. Teamwork means recognizing and acknowledging each others strength and weaknesses, utilize the best in each other and figuring out how to present a united front. When kids see they can't shake that, that they can't play one against the other, it can start to make a difference. And seeing one small stride in the right direction may be the catalyst you need to help you stay focused on the ultimate goal. I wish you the best; stay determined and keep trying.