Started feeling better, then got much worse

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2010
Started feeling better, then got much worse
11
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 1:31am

Hello. I don't post much, but I've been a lurker for a while. Just thought I should come here because I've been having some problems with depression.

I've been diagnosed with depression, bipolar, and borderline personality disorder. I currently take pristiq, wellbutrin, abilify, and eskalith. I was okay for a brief time, but lately I've been feeling extremely depressed. I won't go into my whole life story, but basically, I don't get along with my friends/roommates, I have no significant other, I dropped out of school, I keep gaining weight, I lost my job, I have no money, and I have nothing on the horizon. I've been cutting a lot lately and, while I stopped for a while, I'm back to being bulimic. I cry myself to sleep every night. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

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Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 10:01am

I am glad you decided to post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2010
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 10:45am

I originally had a longer post, talking about my story, but I felt it was too long. I'll elaborate some though.

I dropped out of school because I couldn't afford it anymore. I may go back depending on if I get another job or get a loan or something. I was a sophomore when I dropped out, I would be a junior now.

The issue with my friends is long and boring, lol, so I won't get too into it. However, my best friend is pretty much perfect, and I compare her life to mine and it makes me feel awful. She's pretty much the exact opposite of me, and it makes me so jealous. My family isn't around too much. My mom lives about 45 minutes away and I never see my dad. I have no siblings, though I sometimes hang out with my cousins when I can't take my friends any longer. They both have their own thing going on so they're not much help when it comes to people to talk to.

I did see a counselor for a while, but I couldn't afford it anymore, so I stopped going. Plus at the time I was feeling better. I don't really remember what she said specifically, but basically just to write down in a journal how I felt and to talk to someone if I felt suicidal.

Also, I don't like to admit it, but I'm a recovering drug addict. I've been clean for about six months. I've been in the mental ward of a nearby hospital three times for suicide attempts and drug issues. After getting out the last time I started my life over, started taking my medication and things were going well. Lately though, I've been thinking about going back to it. Trying to stay strong though.

Anyway, thanks for the support. I'm not sure what I expect to happen by posting here. I guess just to have people who understand to talk to.

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 12:29pm

Thanks for elaborating :smileyhappy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2010
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 3:53pm

I've been trying to stick with it. It's difficult because the only time in my life I was every happy was during the lowest point in my life. A guy I went to school with (didn't really know him, but I knew who he was) just died of a drug overdose. I don't want my life to end because of drugs. It's not so much I'm afraid of overdosing, but if I go back to drugs, my life will officially have hit rock bottom (again). While I'm out of a job, my aunt agreed to pay my rent until I find one. But she said if I relapse, she's not paying it. Before, I lived with my mom who would keep a roof over my head, but she has no money anymore and lives with her sister because she couldn't afford our house anymore. My dad is mentally ill and lives in a group home. He has even less money than my mom so I couldn't live with him. Basically, I'd probably be homeless. I don't want that. I've seen what happens when drugs run your life and it's not good.

No, I don't have a sponsor. My cousins are both addicts so I feel like they wouldn't be much help. Same with some of my closer friends, that's why I've been having problems with them. Then there's my old friends from before who just don't know what it's like. I do think my best friend could probably help. She's told me a number of times that she loves me (as a friend of course), and that she wishes things won't ever go back to that. I still think of her as my best friend, but I just get so jealous of her that sometimes I hate her, as awful as that is. She doesn't know about the cutting, though she has caught me a few times purging after I eat. She tells me that I need to stop doing it, but I just can't.

I've been heavy most of my life, then lost a bunch of it, now I've gained it all back. I know this isn't the eating disorder board, but the reason I do it is that I hate myself and it makes me depressed.

Like I said, I just can't shake the feeling that my life won't get any better. I don't know. Thank you for listening! I appreciate it. Sorry, I know this post was a whole lot of rambling.

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 5:50pm

((HUG))

I don't think your rambling at all, so please keep writting.

I was afraid that was the reason for your change in friendships.

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 7:53pm

((xindigo))

In my last post, I mentioned I would search the internet for some resources for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 11:42pm

I;m sorry that you're having a rough time.

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 7:58pm

xindigo,

Just wanted to know if you have had a chance to look at the resources I posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2010
Tue, 01-24-2012 - 2:48am

Thanks a bunch, to the both of you. Just knowing someone cares helps a lot, let alone having resources. I don't have a sponsor because I was never actually in a rehabilitation center, it was just the mental ward of a hospital. It was just coincidental that they helped me get clean. It's nice that there are resources out there. I've used the suicide hotline twice for someone to talk to; it's good to know that there are other people who deal with drug problems.

I'm currently staying with my mom for a little while just to get my mind off things. She's been a lot of help. I'm still clean, and hoping to stay that way. Though I think I'm developing a caffeine addiction. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing. When I was on drugs (it was crack, just to let you know. I didn't want to outright say it because of how ashamed I am, but I figure I might as well), I refused to sleep because... well, I'm not sure. Anyway, I'm starting to depend on coffee to keep myself awake longer and sleep less. I love sleep, but I don't like to sleep, if that makes any sense. It just freaks me out for some reason. I don't know if it's good because I have a substitution, or bad because it's a habit I associate with the drug days.

Regardless, I'm doing okay for the most part. Just still feeling kind of down, but that's nothing new. Again, thanks for helping. It means a lot to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2009
Tue, 01-24-2012 - 10:14am

Hi, xindigo - hope you are feeling better.

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