Tired of depression
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|Mon, 02-18-2013 - 11:30pm|
Just kinda checking in... honestly cant remember how long its been. Extremely tired of dealing with depression and sadness and loneliness. And the other issues that go with it. Suppose to be taking 60mg prozac daily. But about 6weeks after my move I lowered it to 40mg. Also have a tendency not to take it on the weekends. Was a mistake 2 weekends. One shouldnt skip it on a weekend I'm having my cycle and shouldnt skip it on a weekend my ADHD son doesnt have any meds (especially a 3 day weekend)
Last year I had a "friend" who essentially told me either I start getting help or we couldnt be friends as I wasnt healthy enough for a friendship with him. So I did as he asked and he pushed me, which is okay. It was something that truly mattered to me, but on the other hand using a friendship that way doesnt seem right. Went and was rediagnosed for my major recurring depression, general anxiety and social anxiety. started taking medication again (this was a year ago, had been off since Aug 2009 due to ferility reasons). Even went back to counseling. Stopped that after a while for only a short period of time. I liked my counselor. Had no problem talking to her but used her services more for "venting" about how my prior week hadnt gone. Guess it seemed like to me since I didnt have anyone else to talk to I had to pay to talk to someone. We honestly didnt get very far if at all on working on any of the "issues" I may have
But back in November I moved from WA to CA. Changed jobs. which was suppose to be good. I thought by getting away from my prior job which seemed to be stressing me out quite a bit, partially due to the staff I worked with and was a lead over, seemed to enjoy being difficult towards me. thought after the move and things settled down I could lower my dose just a little and would be okay. Not sure... at my new job I think I'm bored and honestly not doing much and noticed the more time I have on my hands, the more my mind wanders and the more time to just think about things I dont need to. have always seemed to have problems focusing at times. Daydream a fair amount. although other times I can focus just fine and stay focused, depending on what I'm doing. Raising an ADHD son (internationally adopted by me at age of 2.5months) has been an ongoing fight. He's also considered to be ODD, but noticed before its against me more so.
Living in CA I now have the sunny skies a lot more and have been taking walks at lunch break. and it helps something but only for a short period of time. the meds do make it easier to deal with my son. but yet still I feel hopeless so much of the time and so tired of everything. At times it even feels like okay what did I do to deserve this. Several times during the month especially certain times, I feel like no one cares about me. That if they did I wouldnt always be the one who has to reach out to them or initiate the contact with them. that they would do it too. noticed in the past that when my PMS hit a couple of people I was friends with would realize something was wrong and would just give my space. good and bad. the bad being thats when I think I need someone more but obviously dont have it.
having a hard time with a friendship back in WA. Someone at work (male) I had been friends with and said he liked me before I left that I thought I could trust. and has been there at times. and the one who pushed me to get help. he's also supposed to be my contact in case of any issues with my condo back home I still have.... but for the last month... can hardly get him to answer him and have no idea about my condo. About 3 weeks ago I had sent him an email with attachments, multiple subjects so each attachment was a separate one. he took the time to text me and let me know he had gotten them and thanks for the emails and that he would get back to me but it may take a while to give me a proper response. not a problem. I know he's busy. Work and otherwise... the week before that I had gotten an email from him. Since then nothing. Received a text quickly last Monday after I told him what I rough weekend I had. sometimes I think he only does it because he feels sorry for me.
I dont get out much, never really have had I guess an interest. honestly not sure why I dont. If I go out its to do something specific and then go home, like errand running. other times it feels almost like okay here's the part of me that is depressed and deals with all this... and then at times I can feel someone who wants to get out more and do more and all that. Bought books and day drives and hikes in the area and even bought a metal detector to use with my son. Other ideas I had too, although at times I think I come up with too many ideas and like my friend once said I cant decide what to do so I dont do anything. (made sense to me at the time and still does)
In some ways I think I want to have someone in my life again. Was married for a couple of years before I realized I think I had married for the wrong reason(s). but I dont want to do just because I'm lonely or just because I need help with my son... always afraid of doing things for the wrong reasons and doubting myself constantly