Tired of depression

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tired of depression
5
Mon, 02-18-2013 - 11:30pm

Hi All

Just kinda checking in... honestly cant remember how long its been.  Extremely tired of dealing with depression and sadness and loneliness.  And the other issues that go with it.  Suppose to be taking 60mg prozac daily.  But about 6weeks after my move I lowered it to 40mg.  Also have a tendency not to take it on the weekends.  Was a mistake 2 weekends.  One shouldnt skip it on a weekend I'm having my cycle and shouldnt skip it on a weekend my ADHD son doesnt have any meds (especially a 3 day weekend)

Last year I had a "friend" who essentially told me either I start getting help or we couldnt be friends as I wasnt healthy enough for a friendship with him.  So I did as he asked and he pushed me, which is okay.  It was something that truly mattered to me, but on the other hand using a friendship that way doesnt seem right.  Went and was rediagnosed for my major recurring depression, general anxiety and social anxiety.  started taking medication again (this was a year ago, had been off since Aug 2009 due to ferility reasons).  Even went back to counseling.  Stopped that after a while for only a short period of time.  I liked my counselor.  Had no problem talking to her but used her services more for "venting" about how my prior week hadnt gone.  Guess it seemed like to me since I didnt have anyone else to talk to I had to pay to talk to someone.  We honestly didnt get very far if at all on working on any of the "issues" I may have

But back in November I moved from WA to CA.  Changed jobs.  which was suppose to be good.  I thought by getting away from my prior job which seemed to be stressing me out quite a bit, partially due to the staff I worked with and was a lead over, seemed to enjoy being difficult towards me.  thought after the move and things settled down I could lower my dose just a little and would be okay.  Not sure... at my new job I think I'm bored and honestly not doing much and noticed the more time I have on my hands, the more my mind wanders and the more time to just think about things I dont need to.  have always seemed to have problems focusing at times.  Daydream a fair amount.  although other times I can focus just fine and stay focused, depending on what I'm doing.  Raising an ADHD son (internationally adopted by me at age of 2.5months) has been an ongoing fight.  He's also considered to be ODD, but noticed before its against me more so.  

Living in CA I now have the sunny skies a lot more and have been taking walks at lunch break.  and it helps something but only for a short period of time.  the meds do make it easier to deal with my son.  but yet still I feel hopeless so much of the time and so tired of everything.  At times it even feels like okay what did I do to deserve this.  Several times during the month especially certain times, I feel like no one cares about me.  That if they did I wouldnt always be the one who has to reach out to them or initiate the contact with them.  that they would do it too.  noticed in the past that when my PMS hit a couple of people I was friends with would realize something was wrong and would just give my space.  good and bad.  the bad being thats when I think I need someone more but obviously dont have it.  

having a hard time with a friendship back in WA.  Someone at work (male) I had been friends with and said he liked me before I left that I thought I could trust.  and has been there at times.  and the one who pushed me to get help.  he's also supposed to be my contact in case of any issues with my condo back home I still have.... but for the last month... can hardly get him to answer him and have no idea about my condo.  About 3 weeks ago I had sent him an email with attachments, multiple subjects so each attachment was a separate one.  he took the time to text me and let me know he had gotten them and thanks for the emails and that he would get back to me but it may take a while to give me a proper response.  not a problem.  I know he's busy.  Work and otherwise... the week before that I had gotten an email from him.  Since then nothing.  Received a text quickly last Monday after I told him what I rough weekend I had.  sometimes I think he only does it because he feels sorry for me.  

I dont get out much, never really have had I guess an interest.  honestly not sure why I dont.  If I go out its to do something specific and then go home, like errand running.  other times it feels almost like okay here's the part of me that is depressed and deals with all this... and then at times I can feel someone who wants to get out more and do more and all that.  Bought books and day drives and hikes in the area and even bought a metal detector to use with my son.  Other ideas I had too, although at times I think I come up with too many ideas and like my friend once said I cant decide what to do so I dont do anything.  (made sense to me at the time and still does)

In some ways I think I want to have someone in my life again.  Was married for a couple of years before I realized I think I had married for the wrong reason(s).  but I dont want to do just because I'm lonely or just because I need help with my son... always afraid of doing things for the wrong reasons and doubting myself constantly

Suzanne

Single mom to an internationally adopted son, age 9 3/4; adopted at age 2.5 months from country of Georgia; diagnosed with ADHD, ODD and developmental delay issues

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Tue, 03-05-2013 - 8:33am

Hi Suzanne,

Just checking to ask how are you doing?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 02-20-2013 - 9:47pm

Hi Heidi..... probably both... checking in, any ideas... venting.....  especially when I get to the point that I dont think anyone cares.... frustrates me beyong belief when someone tells me that they've been too busy to say anything but yet sure enough they have time for other things and sometimes you do know for sure.... and then its okay... well that shows how I rate

at times I still want to go back to counseling... not necessarily venting though.  that honestly didnt help get past issues.  I think I need more active therapy... part of me is like going down this depression path and no one cares and being lonely and then the other part of is going down almost an opposite path where either one I dont care what anyone thinks anymore and/or I can do this or that... but the positives have long been some thing I'm not good at for a long time

was married for a short time, about 2 years before separating... and for possibly a variety of reasons I think I realized finally I only got married because I was lonely and did settle my standards partially because I wasnt finding anyone... my social anxiety can be an issue at meeting people, I prefer being online meeting first

but then I read this following website.  and i've heard the term before and started looking into it

http://loveaddicts.org/40questions.html

Suzanne

(ps, up where I lived in WA State it rained ALOT.  some said that may have had a little to do with my depression.  but now I live in sunny CA and honestly I prefer staying inside..)

Single mom to an internationally adopted son, age 9 3/4; adopted at age 2.5 months from country of Georgia; diagnosed with ADHD, ODD and developmental delay issues

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Wed, 02-20-2013 - 11:17am

((Suzanne)) welcome back to our board!  I am glad you checked in.

There are many times that I read a new post from someone describing their life or their depression situations.  I have to admit, I so so much could relate and understand your post.  Maybe because my life feels and actually is similar to yours in several ways.  It is like as I read your words, I could hear myself telling someone else the same thing about my life.

I also have depression.  I have severe PMDD, I also take 40 mg of Prozac, I also feeling often that I pay and go see my counselor, "to vent" for the week!!!  Paying someone to just kindly sit there for 50 minutes and let me jab on and on and on Smile  I think my husband noticed this maybe six months ago.  He jokingly said, "I think you just like to go see Brian for your weekly gossip social hour (grin).  Nah, I said, we talk about my past, LOL.

So yes, I am not sure if you are asking for advice or ideas?  Or just saying hi and sharing.  Either is cool   I may not have many ideas for you to improve the depression, but I can say, I hear you and been there, felt that, still do.

Facebook, I won't even get started on that (grin) and everyone has the perfect happy life.  Then, there is myself, going thru the Status Shuffles on there and posting depression, sadness words.  sigh

Oh I could go on and on, I am actually kind of venting now back to you, sorry, I didn't mean to make this about me. 

Hope you post more and we are always here to support and listen.

Thanks for checking in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 02-20-2013 - 9:32am

single parenting of a child with ADHD isnt fun at all.... wasnt much fun when I was married for a couple years either.  hardest part was trying to find someone who realized he needed help.  still have that issue.  yesterday for being a Tuesday was like a Monday.  Took my son to his appt, get there 10 minutes early to fill out the papers and sure enough billfold is at home.  So back home to get it... tried to call the dr's office to let them know we were running late and to make sure they could still take him (usually if you're late they have you reschedule).... after 20+ minutes on hold I gave up and took him to school.  have to try and schedule another appt now or something.

Then at work my work laptop decided to crash.  plus I was expecting to hear back from a few people via email non work related and sure enough none of them did.  One thing about FB and some other sites is people tell you they've been too busy to answer you but yet oddly enough they have plenty of time to answer other people

Both my psychiatrist and my counselor made a comment one time about the meds which makes sense, yes it is better to stay on them and not skip however since I've been on them for so long, its still in my system and I shouldnt really notice any difference if I miss a couple doses

I use a journal of sorts.  a word document.  I've used one before for over a year.... helps a little to vent but unfortunately it doesnt talk back to you and offer suggestions or anything... one of the other hard parts about the depression is seeing the "positive" in anything.  whether it be me or anything else at times...

Suzanne

Single mom to an internationally adopted son, age 9 3/4; adopted at age 2.5 months from country of Georgia; diagnosed with ADHD, ODD and developmental delay issues

Avatar for ltlfredom
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2011
Tue, 02-19-2013 - 12:28am

sounds like your having a real bad time right now... sending u a hug.  when u said u have a hard time focusing did u ever think u could have add? just a thought please don't take it wrong. does the prozac work when your on it with out skipping? it would probably help u if u stayed on your meds with out skipping, or maybe it's time to change your med? 

i hate the lonely part when i get it.. that feeling sucks. you have a lot on your plate right now, try to take a slow breath and relax.

i use to feel i had no one to talk to also and living in the woods made it worse, so i started to journal and it helped a great deal. i write all my feelings down no matter how awful the words or feelings may be..i now have 28 years of journals and the neat thing about them is i read one from time to time and see how my life got so much better in time...

hope you can find some comfort for yourself. btw my grandson has adhd, it can be hard on my daughter who is a single parent.

take care