Why I can't I stop being destructive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2012
Why I can't I stop being destructive?
1
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 2:26pm

I've been having a lot of mixed feelings about college lately.

Last fall I was really lost and depressed and had literally no direction. The semester started fine but within days I was having extreme anxiety so I started skipping classes because I really didn't care about school. A few weeks in I made the decision to just drop out for the semester which I hid from everyone in my life except my boyfriend and best friend. I started having a better handle on my depression and re-enrolled for spring semester. I ended up dropping two classes during the semester but finished with two classes that I completed. I started feeling better and decided to enroll in summer school to take a class to less my anxiety about school starting in the fall. I completed that class and never had a day where I didn't want to go or wanting to skip so I thought this was all behind me in the past.

My fall semester just started last week and I feel the same depression/anxiety coming on and my bad feelings of not wanting to be at school are back big time. I went to all of my classes last week but woke up today and mentally could not handle it so I skipped my morning classes. I drove to school and everything and got into the parking lot and turned around and went home. I felt relieved at first then eventually disgusted because I don't want to quit again.

I hate being depressed and feeling so unsure of myself and my actions. I feel like sometimes I can know what the "right" thing to do is but I end up not following through like I have no control over my behavior.

I cannot afford counseling because of my crappy insurance and I live in a small area so there isn't really any cheaper places to go. I am on wellbutrin well supposed to be but stopped taking it because I wasn't remembering to take it at the correct times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 3:27pm

Hi;

well It sounds like are doing the best you can and dont be so hard on yourself and you  have a lot going for you.. You attend school and at times I would think it would overwhelm the best of us..

I would hang in there and if you cant afford counseling what about going to see someone at your school.. Schools have the best resources and there should be something there for you. Please take advantage of those resources.. If you are finding overwhelming to take classes have you thought of doing part time school? Just throwing out some ideas for you..

If you are just venting then vent away.. We are here for you.

take care