Anger and ED

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Anger and ED
7
Sun, 12-30-2012 - 11:14am

I should have known something would go wrong and the ED would be ready to bust out full force again.

So, my bf is having some serious issues and it's directly affecting me now. He had been in treatment for drinking and had been sober for a bit. Well, that just blew up. I caught him drinking last weekend after he ignored my text messages and I decided to take a cab to his place to check up. At that point, he said he was gonna go back to an intensive program because he wasn't getting as much support as he felt he needed.Okay, well then christmas eve came around and, again, he ditched out on me until 1:00am. Then the final blow was the other night. I made the mistake of lending him my debit so he could get breakfast on the way to work. After work he neglected to show up. He said he had to do a couple things and would be over. He never showed up and when I checked my balance, he drained my entire account!!! So naturally I freaked out! He said he let a friend borrow money. Umm...yeah not his to do that with. I half believe him. Anyhow, he paid me back yesterday but that's hardly the point.

So I laid it out for him. It's his shady, sketch "friends" or us. He can't have both. I told him he could either get going on getting into mental health (he needs an evaluation and get back on meds) and back into intensive treatment or tell his son goodbye now.

I still can't believe he did that mess to me! He's done a lot of messed up stuff (haven't we all...) but this really did it for me. I know he's been working a ton and the hours are terrible. I know when he gets overtired, overworked he gets depressed and then the bad behavior starts. It's not like I don't get it. I have my own problems with that...obviously...

...as I sit here starving myself silly again. I'm so incredibly frustrated!!! I can't change what he does but you would think I could at least change what I do. I really just dunno how else to cope. Actually, I don't think I want to cope. :/ Anger really fuels the ED :(

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
In reply to: mzjulez
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 1:45pm

Hey Sweetie,

Well, I am real sorry you are dealing with all this crap right now. Not that any time is good. I think you did right by laying down the law to him. He has gotta get himself straightened out and step up to being a father or step back and leave you alone. I sure hope he has the strength to make the right choice and also realizes he needs you and his son.

Now, please, please, please will you eat? That little baby has gotta have one parent he can rely on and you need to be as healthy and strong for that little soul as you can be. He needs you so much. I know you feel you need to do it to cope. I understand that, ED habits are my coping method to :-(. I'm struggling as well.

Why do we do this to ourselves. Someone told me yesterday that he felt I was just trying to kill myself, inch by inch. He's not to happy with me either.

Love

Promise



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
In reply to: mzjulez
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 11:33am

Hey Ryah,

how are you doin?

Love

promise



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
In reply to: mzjulez
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 1:02pm

Well, I'm eating. I guess thats supposed to go for me, right?...Right???

I had therapy last night for the first time since the baby was born. She thinks Im doing pretty well considering the circumstances. However, I'm not sure I'm really being up front with her about the ED. Mainly because I don't want that being the focal point of my sessions. Okay, I'll confess, I also would rather keep ED for myself. :/

Im struggling and convinced that every bite taken is making me fatter. Doesn't help that the weight is starting to plateau a bit and I'm so not having that at this weight! I cant accept being this size. So as of now, I'm eating but I can't help but count the calories...still.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Sat, 01-12-2013 - 8:13am

I hear you girl. In a bad place myself right now but feel I can't have ED taken away from me because then it's my coping ways taken from me and I have nothing. I guess that sounds weird but I am sure you know exactly how I feel.

Love

Promise



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
In reply to: mzjulez
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 2:24pm

Doesn't sound weird to me! :) I know exactly what you mean!! However, I know other coping mechanisms ( healthier ones) it just takes too much time to me. I want instant gratification...instant relief..and ED seems like a better option. Without it I just feel powerless. Also, I always feels like I'm tossing ED out for other people. I can never convince myself that it's for me at all. Mainly cuz I guess that part of me that wants to keep hanging on to ED screams very loudly. It's my dirty little secret and I wanna keep it :/  I'm so full of rage sometimes and in some ways ED is good at expressing it. It seems to scream louder than anything I could verbalize.

See I know the triggers, I know exactly how it works for me. It's like a switch that gets turned on and off in my head. Sometimes I actuallt feel as though I can get past it and let go. Then the switch turns on again and it's steady downhill from there. And yes...I grieve it when I'm not actively ED. That's the part I'd rather avoid.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Sat, 01-19-2013 - 12:19pm

Hey Maryah,

how are you and that little son of your's doin"?

ED and depression have got me real good right now. I sure hope you are doing better.

Love

Promise



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
In reply to: mzjulez
Sun, 01-20-2013 - 4:42pm

Sorry the ED and depression have gotten a grip on ya :(  Anything in particular triggering it? Although, I know that even if I know what's triggering me it doesn't necessarily mean i wanna deal with it. I hope it all starts easing up on you though!! Hang in there! I'm always available if ya need to talk.

Things are a bit better here. My bf decided to step it up a bit. At least he's been sober and staying with me and the baby. He's been avoiding certain places and people...which is a good thing. He's also back in intensive treatment. However, he backed out of his one on one counseling. He says he doesn't think he's workable enough for that yet since he's not currently on meds. So I'm gonna hope he makes an appointment to get back on meds soon.

The baby is good. Although he's not been sleeping well past couple of days. He was up every two hours last night! Then this morning he puked up alot and finally went to sleep. He's been sleeping almost all day. I'll have to wake him up soon since he hasn't eaten much. Hopefully he'll be feeling better now that he's slept.

I'm stressing. School starts Wednesday! I'm also still sleep deprived and am having the worst sinus issues ever!! I also stepped on the scale...my bad. Yeah..and I have a doc appointment tomorrow and they will weigh me too...ugh. Down 30 lbs but still... at least 15-20 more before I can even remotely accept it. I can barely fit my thigh in my "normal" pants! My body looks like a blob right now. Needless to say it's a complete headmess for me. :(

The day in the life of living with an ED. Complete love/ hate relationship. Honestly, right now I want the ED to stick around. yet I know that's completely all wrong. I guess I'm kinda ambivalent. And that is no fun either :/

Photobucket