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|Sat, 08-10-2013 - 7:43pm|
I've struggled with bulimia for nearly 20 years now (I'm 34) and have had two remissions, one after a short stint in rehab. I left early, which may be why I've relapsed twice. I've been doing well the past few months and have gained weight... more weight than I'd like. I've started purging again. I feel like I have everything under control and mean to quit when I've lost weight, but experience has told me it won't be that easy. I'm already close to the point where I don't want to stop, but it's a pivotal moment. I may just have to go for it and then go back into rehab when I have the money and then make sure I don't gain too much weight. I know this is a crazy idea. In the past, I wouldn't have wanted to stop at all. Now, however, I've discovered that life is easier when I'm not purging... then again, it's hard not to. It's been such a part of my life for so long.
I want to quit but I don't want to quit. I've relapsed twice. I keep being sure I'm done with it, then it creeps back up. How do I rid myself of it forever? After I've lost the weight, I need to be officially, perminently healthy. At this rate, my high school motto is running through my mind: "lose weight or die."