Backsliding

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2013
Backsliding
3
Sat, 08-10-2013 - 7:43pm

I've struggled with bulimia for nearly 20 years now (I'm 34) and have had two remissions, one after a short stint in rehab.  I left early, which may be why I've relapsed twice.  I've been doing well the past few months and have gained weight... more weight than I'd like.  I've started purging again.  I feel like I have everything under control and mean to quit when I've lost weight, but experience has told me it won't be that easy.  I'm already close to the point where I don't want to stop, but it's a pivotal moment.  I may just have to go for it and then go back into rehab when I have the money and then make sure I don't gain too much weight.  I know this is a crazy idea.  In the past, I wouldn't have wanted to stop at all.  Now, however, I've discovered that life is easier when I'm not purging... then again, it's hard not to.  It's been such a part of my life for so long.

I want to quit but I don't want to quit.  I've relapsed twice.  I keep being sure I'm done with it, then it creeps back up.  How do I rid myself of it forever?  After I've lost the weight, I need to be officially, perminently healthy.  At this rate, my high school motto is running through my mind: "lose weight or die."

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sun, 08-11-2013 - 9:07pm

Hello and welcome!!

 I understand perfectly everything you stated. I want to quit. I don't want to quit. It's a constant love/hate relationship. I also say the same thing everytime I start to relapse; I'm going to stop when I lose xx amount of weight. I still do that and I also know it's a slippery slope.

Are you able to seek counseling? Do you have anybody you can confide in or some type of support? I know it's tough because many times when I'm on the edge about the ED, the last thing I wanna do is reach out or ask for help. However, when I'm able to at least talk to somebody it can help me sort it out a bit.

I've relapsed many times and have been in rehab a few times too. However, everytime I finally get into remission I manage to hang on a bit longer. I ask the same question, how do I get rid of this forever? I wish I could say I knew but I don't. What I do know is it can and does get easier with time.All we can do is keep trying.

Please let us know how you are doing!! You can come and chat here anytime you need.

Take care,

maryah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2013
Fri, 08-23-2013 - 5:15am

Thank you so much for replying.  Right now I'm just trying not to eat much so I won't have the urge to purge. It doesn't always work that way and I sometimes go days without eating.

I have a psychologist, but I haven't seen him in months.  I'll make an appointment on Monday. I need to see him for other issues, anyway.  I wish I could talk to my family about it, but my mother would freak out and maybe even get mad at me.  I may tell my sister, though, if she promises to keep it to herself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
In reply to: mzjulez
Mon, 09-02-2013 - 10:11am

Hi :)

How are things going? Did you get to talk to your sister? How did it go with your psychologist?

I'm much the same that I won't eat for days because I know I'll purge if I do. It truly is an all or nothing mindset....eat everything or nothing at all :/

Hang in there and keep us posted!!

ryah

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