Been a while

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Been a while
Thu, 01-09-2014 - 1:10pm

 Sorry I haven't been on here in quite some time. Life has been chaotic to say the least.

I have been on break from school but about to go back in about 2 weeks. I am in the midst of transferring to University to pursue my BS. In the meantime I am taking a couple classes to help with that transfer. I also have to finish up the application process and hope I get accepted. If I do, I will start at Uni in the Fall.

Relationship wise, not as good as I would hope. I am not even sure if I really wanna plan any sort of future with him anymore. I'm still trying to figure it out.

I want to move in the summer so that I won'thave to commute as far to Uni if I get accepted. That, and I really need a change from where I am currently living.

Things from the past are starting to get to me too. I realize that this ED has ruined my life. I hurt a lot of people and lost anyone that matter just because i wanted to wallow in misery. I could almost accept that I was the one who messed everything up but what hurts most is never being able to say I am sorry to those I hurt. None want anything to do with me now. Even if I could, I don't think they could forgive me.

The worst part is when I realize just how lonely I feel and how isolated I have become, I really have no one to turn to for support. This is painful. I guess thisis how I'm held accountable for my own actions.

Whatis really stupid is that I'm back struggling again. I mourn my addiction...and I want it back. maybe because then I can have more of a reason to feel as awful as I do.

Honestly, I just want to be happy. I wanted my life back but there is no getting it back to the way it used to be...before ED. Maybe it will get better. That's my hope because my baby boy needs me to be happy. It's difficult right now. Especially since I'm battling the holiday weight gain and trying to shed a few pounds from it. It's a slippery slope and I know this. I just need to find some balance.

I guess I just need to givemyself some time to go through this process. Let myself hurt, hate, heal...and move on.


Avatar for cmkarla
Registered: 01-03-2001
In reply to: mzjulez
Fri, 01-10-2014 - 11:02am

HI Maryah, it is great to see you. I am so sorry to hear about your relationship issues. It does sound like you have a plan for your future so that is a good thing.