Panic attacks....argh!!! :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Panic attacks....argh!!! :(
13
Mon, 09-26-2011 - 7:10pm

I've been feeling a bit outta sortds the past week or so. Not sleeping well and really irritable. My tolerance level is about at zero. Anyway, I had day treatment all day today. I started out feeling rather disconnected. As the day went on the anxiety started rising. By last group, full blown panic attack. I wound up going to my therapist. First thing she wanted to ask is when I ate...gah...she knows how

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 2:18pm

Hey Maryah,

we'd miss you and we care, just remember that.

I wish there was some way they could put the focus on where you feel you need it. ED is a symptom, not the problem but some of these experts just don't seem to get it at all.

Panic attacks are way to scary. I have only had a few and I thought I was going to suffocate. I just could not get any air into my lungs. Is there no chance of going back on meds to help you with this?

Keep going girl, you can win

Promise



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 09-28-2011 - 5:06pm

I saw the doc last week. Problem is I don't trust him. So naturally I don't tell him much at all. However, my therapist knows and she goes in with me. I asked her to do that in hopes that maybe she would help me feel more comfortable with him and possibly advocate for me a little...at least until I felt comfortable enough to do that myself. Also, I haven't had the best of luck with most meds. Klonopin helped with the panic attacks but the doc won't prescribe it to me. Apparently he doesn't prescribe it to many ppl for some reason.

Today was self esteem group. Don't think that's gonna go over well either. Actually, the whole groups thing just ain't for me :P

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Thu, 09-29-2011 - 4:00pm

Hey Maryah,

being comfortable with your doctor is so important. It's good your therapist goes in with you because it can be hard to discuss stuff .



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Fri, 09-30-2011 - 10:27pm

He hasn't said. :/

I hope it's going well with happypants then :)

Today has been really bad. Head is in a very bad space. I'm sitting here thinking about calling a hotline. I hate calling those things but I'm making an effort.

All I can think is its all cuz I ate. I'm sure there's more to it than that but I don't see it. Food is evil :(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Sat, 10-01-2011 - 2:44pm

No, no Maryah. Food is not evil.



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sun, 10-02-2011 - 9:20pm

Oh depression....pls leave me alone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Mon, 10-03-2011 - 2:46pm

Hey Maryah,

I felt so sad reading your post. You really are a wonderful person and I just hate it that you are real low right now. Depression sucks. It ribs us of who we really are. But we have to remember that the real us, the people we want to be, exist under that blanket of depression. We just have to fight it, make ourselves do things, even if we don't want to do it. I think it scares depression when we force ourselves to do things instead of giving in to it. We can win.

Love

Promise



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 10-03-2011 - 10:18pm

It's true. The person I wanna be is under there somewhere. I keep trying to let her be that person but she keeps slipping away. Some days she's so close I can feel it. Other days she seems too far buried to be found. Today she was close. then slipped away. Then I realized what made that person slip away...the trigger....

My eldest called after 2 months. She asked for her sister...whom does not wish to speak to her. I told her that I was hurt by her not contacting me. As usual, she said she's been busy. Me thinks too busy to let her mom know she's alive and okay. She hung up on me without a word. My feelings mean nothing to my own child I gave birth to and sacrificed my entire life for....I mean nothing to her.

That led to reflecting on the other two kids and how I must have failed them as well. It's clear...so it seems in this state of mind....they hate me....and sad to say I don't feel the connection anymore. It's fading. I take the hatred inward cuz it's safer that way. I can't make them love me. I can't make them respect me. They live their lives in spite of how much they hurt me. So I turn it inward to prevent them from the pain I feel. Ironic enough, when I die they may hurt like I do. That thought alone makes me feel as infantile as they act toward me. Still, it's the thought of me no longer hurting and being so far removed from them that their pain means as little to me as mine does to them. It's a twisted game of fate. A gamble that somehow I'm close to wanting to take....and blatantly do through this ED.

In a nutshell, I take the pain inward to prevent them from seeing how much they hurt me. In the end, I know they will hurt like me. The ultimate passive aggressive approach perhaps?? To me, I just remove myself from the entire situation.

To boot, my bf hasn't contacted me since Friday. I know there must be a logical explanation but my deluded headmess is determined to spin off into a tangent over it. Once again, I feel low on the priority list. I'm not good enough. Something is more important...too busy for me....friends or whatever more important than me. I feel selfish. It shouldn't matter...but it does. I don't think it should matter.

I don't like my kids. I hate what they do. I hate my bf not contacting me for days. I feel unimportant. I'm nothing. I fail as a moter and a gf. I'm not good enough. That's how it translates in my mind. I know it may be irrational but my mind and heart do not agree. I feel as I do. That never changes no matter how much energy my mind puts into trying to change it.

I hate myself for feeling and thinking as I do. I am resistant to changing that. I recognize it. I'm ambivalent. I want validation. I can't validate myself when I feel uncertain of what I should feel. I just feel as I do....right or wrong it's there. My mind says what I think it should. My heart is neglected and screams in anguish...unheard....silent screams that only I hear.

Sorry to put this here. I need an outlet. This is me trying to work it through. Outside I'm smilin; inside I'm cryin; I'll just keep denyin; Til I get over you...

Seriously, ED is a feeling. Me thinks a very valid one. It's how I feel portrayed in

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2009
Tue, 10-04-2011 - 2:23pm

Hey Maryah,

I have my arms wrapped round you in a virtual hug. I understand everything you have said but I walso want you to understand what I am going to say to you right now. OK? Promise?

We can't alter how other people feel about us but we can alter how we feel about ourselves. I am real sorry that you are feeling valued by people in your life, that's not fair and I understand but please, please value yourself. I value you enormously even though we have not met. You are a unique and wonderful lady.

Promise



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Wed, 10-05-2011 - 12:07am

Thank you :)

I'm way down. I can't seem to pull out of this funk. I'm bingeing...blugh...dunno why really.

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