Stress, Depression and ED

You know last week, and especially over the weekend, I was getting massively depressed. Now here I am back trying to "fix" it with the ED. To me, it's working too. I go to groups, meet with my therapist and say just what they wanna hear...everything is good and fine. I feel like it is. I can at least fake it anyway.This is what brought the ED spinning outta control to begin with. I'm thinking if I could get a grip on the depression, anxiety, etc. I'd do better ED wise. In the past, i have gone on meds and some worked. The ED was still there but I was able to get a grip on it. Now, I'm having issues with my doc and I'm not getting the meds. Now, I'm self sabotaging I think. I'm not exactly telling them the truth about everything. Naturally I'm not gonna get meds doing that. I just don't trust this doc and he's not doing much in the lines of helping that situation. I have to see him though because he's the only one at the center and I don't have insurance to cover another one.

It's messed up how i take everything we learn in groups and use it for negative behaviors. Like they say to change your mindset and think positive. Use "can" statements. Well, i do..like I "can" lose weight. I "can" fake it and lie to myself and say I feel better. Deep down I know it's not true. I'm living a world of obsessive compulsive behaviors with this ED. Eventually I know it's all gonna come tumbling down. On the other hand, I could get over this ED too if only I chose to. For whatever reason I waffle back and forth on that.

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