Frustrated by really low self-esteem
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Frustrated by really low self-esteem
|Sun, 10-24-2010 - 9:32pm|
Hello: I've posted before but a very long time ago. I'm just a few months from turning 30 and just feel really low. I'm grateful for my temp job but it is coming to an end this week. I'm craving a full-time position already and preferably in my field (law - attorney). I'm terribly lonely right now which is funny because I've been alone virtually all my life and up to this point, it never bothered me. I know part of my lonesome feeling comes from the fact that all my friends are out-of-state. It's been next to impossible to make new friends in my home state that I've moved back to. I have gone out to young professionals events and I enjoy them. I've met people here and there but it's hard for me to get to know people better and meet up other times. Given that I can't drive much at night, it's difficult to go out Friday and Saturday nights. Oh sure, I've taken plenty of cabs and trains but with limited money, I can't do this all the time. Consequentially, I am unable to accept invitations to join people at different places or events. Yes, I know that I can try getting rides from people...but I don't like being a burden all the time. And I've found that very few people are understanding of situations like mine at least in my life. I accept my life as is and even see benefits from the challenges I face (i.e. it's made me a very tolerant non-judgmental person with a lot of compassion for others and I don't take much for granted). But in the past few years, as I've gotten older and in the "marriageable" age, I've just felt so alone. I have gone out on a few first dates but they never go beyond the first date. Between my very crooked teeth, which makes me embarrassed to open my mouth and smile and a crooked spine (untreated scoliosis), I just don't feel very attractive. Oh sure, I have gorgeous green eyes which I get lots of compliments for but I'm not as pretty as my twin. She makes heads turn. I, on the other hand, seem to repel people. And everytime people see my picture (even of me all dressed up, jewelry, makeup and all), guys or their parents outright reject me. I've tried OLD and it's been quite interesting. Everytime someone expresses interest in me, I accept, and then they reject me. It's like, why do they express interest in me in the first place? I've since given up on this one site that's actually very popular within my culture. Between how I feel about my physical appearance (none of which can be fixed without money at the moment) and how my vision issues even impair my ability to get out and about, I just don't feel attractive. Then again, how can I feel attractive when I've been rejected nonstop? Seriously, every guy or their family has rejected me without even first getting to know me! Just based on my appearance! I'm normally optimistic but feel very pessimistic these days and I know negative energy won't attract happy positive people. My sister keeps telling me my personality is what counts, not what field I'm in (in my Indian culture, only medical, pharmacy, engineer, IT fields are acceptable to parents). But she's in one of the Indian acceptable fields so she doesn't see how people like myself are treated. And yes, I know, I should try dating outside of my culture but have no clue how I'd go about doing that given that it's hard for me to get out and about. I can't even begin to describe how much it hurts to be rejected by my own community again and again. And what's worse is that my culture is so narrow-minded that any slight imperfection like wearing glasses is very much intolerable. So I know that they would never accept me given my vision issues. Even when growing up, I recall people making rude/curious comments about how high my prescription is and wearing contacts at a young age. I keep telling myself that I'm better off without those people anyway as I don't want to be with narrow-minded people to begin with. But it still hurts. If I'm honest with myself, I know that I've felt alone and lonely ever since my sister started dating her boyfriend more than a year ago. Gut instinct tells me they will get engaged in a year or so. I'm happy for her but also jealous. I wonder why she was able to meet him on her own in real life without OLD? At a bar of all places! He's everything I'm looking for and as would be my luck, even she admits he's perfect for me. My parents keep saying that I should try OLD or that they'll put personals ads in our cultural magazines for me. Even they think that's the only way I'll ever find someone. Even they know I'll never meet someone on my own in real life. I just feel so unwanted and unloved. Why is it that everyone else in my life can meet each other on their own but I can't? I introduced two people to each other and they've been dating for more than 6 months now! And the girl was unemployed at that time as well! Why is it that some people have all the luck and others like me have absolutely horrible luck? With just 4 months left until I turn 30, I'm convinced that I will be alone forever while everyone else in my life gets the happiness I've always dreamed of - marriage and a family of their own. I wish I didn't feel that way but there are no indications right now that things will change in my favor anytime soon. Without evidence to the contrary, there seems little reason to believe or hope otherwise. Sorry this was so long - I've really been so stressed and upset about this.