How will you challenge yourself and have healthy boundaries with other people this week?

Community Leader
Registered: 12-21-2001
How will you challenge yourself and have healthy boundaries with other people this week?
6
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 12:32pm

How will you challenge yourself and have healthy boundaries with other people this week?

Doing things to challenge yourself could be training for a road race or booking a trip to an unfamiliar place. It could even be something as local and immediate as taking a yoga class in a style that is new to you. When we do new things, regardless of how we do, if we have the right attitude, it is a confidence builder.

Having healthy boundaries with other people means you won’t allow yourself to be taken advantage of and you’re not afraid to say “no” when things don’t feel right to you. This could involve saying “no” to spending time with someone, taking on certain projects at work, loaning money to someone you love or continuing to stay in a relationship where your feelings keep getting hurt. When we let the boundaries down, it’s a slippery slope chipping away at our self-esteem and feeling awful.

 

 

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Community Leader
Registered: 12-21-2001

How will I challenge myself and have healthy boundaries with other people this week?

I intend to challenge myself by going outdoors and puttering in the heat dead garden.( I previously challenged myself by keeping the flowers watered)

Go to a meeting and be among people minus an anxiety attack.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

Hi;

I def. have difficult with healthy boundaries and I am a big time codependent.. the problem lies with living with family right now who are always asking me to do things.. I have no choice at times because of an aging mom and financial problems we all try and make it work.I hate it though and always looking for ways out but nothing has come about yet..Since I have no job its tough to find an affordable apt.

I do resent though doing things for other people and I try so hard to keep boundaries but its nearly impossible because of the guilt I have. I lived on fixed income and dont work right now and I just gave my son 400 dollars to go on vacation. Heck; I havent been on a vacation in four years and I struggle with day to day things such as money.. Now I regret that and I dont see him and his gfriend paying it back. I have also bailed him out with money and I didnt even have it.. I had guilt and now I am in CC debt over that and freak out all the time and waiting on pins and needles for lawsuits..and yes its my own fault.

Anyway; I have plenty to be greatful for but at times things become very overwhelming ..

My self esteem lately is in the toilet so I am afraid to look for work anymore and there arent many jobs for a 58 year old aging woman with limited skills and work history.. I wish I could just retire and not th ink about having to pay bills and things and be happy..

I did get rid of a toxic friend back in April because she was sucking the life out of me. So I feel proud about that but also guilty.

take care

Community Leader
Registered: 12-21-2001

Dear freeatlast2008,

I know how it is when you live with family.  The word no has to leave your vocabulary for a while.  But your son is a different story.  Call him and ask when will they start paying you back? If his girlfriend answers, tell her what the call is about if he is out.  It may take years for him to realize that you are no longer his emergency banker-times are tough for you too.

  Several years ago one of the twins asked to use my car.  I was reluctant but finally said yes.  He got stopped by the police and because of who he had in the car with him, they literally took my car apart looking for contraband. The other twin waited until he was on the road when he was released from the military to call for help. The kicker was when he arrived in the city, he rented a condo instead of an apartment for almost what I had sent him supposedly to get home. 

Just this year my "NO's" are finally being heard, they go running to their Dad instead, I warned him.  I hear horror stories of that generation of 'grown' children.   People will act as if you saying no is an affront and try to make it seem as you are not caring or loving.   Remember something you really wanted and couldn't get or do because you had given the money or time to someone else. It takes time for them to really hear you but it's worth it.

Congratulations, on identifying and putting the kibosh on a toxic 'friend'.  You should be proud and any guilty feelings are part of the toxic relationship, so just file them under 'live and learn' and forget about it.

Get your self-esteem out of the toilet and close the lid. There are enough other people who will talk about us and try to make us feel bad without our joining them. Remember that even though you are at home you are no longer 15.  Spend at least one afternoon/evening during the week and one on the weekends outside the house.  Go on the free days so you don't have to spend money, the library, a lecture, the museum, any planetariums or aquariums nearby?  When was the last time you took a tour of the sights of the city?  Ever buy a round-trip bus ticket somewhere you can get to and back in one day?  Get to know you again.  Do you put on makeup and lipstick every day?  When was the last time you had someone else do your hair?  Beauty schools usually take customers for little or nothing (it's students learning but it's also someone else shampooing your hair.) 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
i am challenging myself by learning how to swim in the deep end, something i've been afraid to do my whole life. but i ultimately want to learn how to surf, and for that you have to be a strong swimmer, so now's the time to start swimming. a month ago i wouldn't go anywhere near water deeper than 5 feet; now i am comfortable in 7 feet and it feels amazing.

i usually don't have trouble with boundaries; if someone asks me to do something or help them i say, "let me think about it and i'll get back to you." and i DO think about whether what they need fits in with my schedule, budget, etc. if it doesn't, i say, "i won't be able to help you this time, but definitely ask me next time." this enables me to say no without feeling guilty, and they don't feel rejected (usually, lol).
Community Leader
Registered: 12-21-2001

Wonderful!!

Both the way you handle saying 'NO' and swimming in the deep end.

Namaste

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006

thanks, mlk!