i NEED to get this... for the stability of my family & my sanity!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-1999
i NEED to get this... for the stability of my family & my sanity!!
3
Tue, 10-30-2012 - 10:21am

Ok, so I will start off by saying this Vertigo is NOT helping AT ALL! I am doing better than last week and most of the dizziness has subsided, but my head still feels cloudy and lopsided. Not a good combination when lots of concentration on new parenting skills is needed. And school is closed from Hurricane Sandy so I am stuck home - alone- with two little vulture children who are circling around my vulnerabilities!

As I have stated before, things have been getting better with DS10. As a result of the tensions in the house, DS10 has been much better behaved. DH has said he doesn't think it'll last and that as soon as things get more relaxed, DS10 will go back to being rude, disrespectful and manipulative. Of course, being his mom and wanting all of this to just go away, I didn't believe it. But yesterday DS10 did a few things that prove DH is right and I still have my head up my you-know-what....

In the morning DS10 & DS5 were playing together. DS10 is very bossy and tries to control everything. He even thinks he is a little parent and that DS5 should listen to him, even though we have said thousands of times that is not the case. DS5 came running out of the room crying that DS10 had told him to take a bucket off his head. DS10 immediately chimed in saying he did it to "protect" his brother and that the bucket "would hurt him". So I thought, gee, he's trying to help - the same logic I always throw to DS10. But it was a big bucket and DS5 was trying to be a ROBOT! I checked it out and there was NO safety hazard. This may seem minor, but this is a CONSTANT in the house. (Just now while typing this DS10 was telling DS5 which bags of chips to pick out for a snack and even proceeded to "lead him" (so to speak) to what bag he wanted DS5 to take.) Of course DH got upset and was saying thet DS10 is back to his old ways, manipulating things his way since things have gotten easier (less tense). Not knowing what to do (as usual) I went into DS10's bedroom and "explained to him" that he needs to mind his own business and when he thinks something MAY be a problem to come get an adult! (Again, we've said this over and over and over.... nothing new.)

Later that night after dinner, DH and I were having a discussion about how to make something. I will admit, with my ADHD, the veritgo and the excitement of the hurricane, I was distracted. I was texting our babysitter at the same time..... not a smart move. This only led me to being more distracted. *sigh* (At this point, not being clear headed, I wasn't aware of what was going on. DH and I were still "mid-conversation" while this was going on.) Suddenly DS10 walked right up to me with a book and started asking me questions about it. Now DH was mad. (Unfortunately he is used to me multi-tasking during our conversations because DH does talk alot...) DH spoke to DS10 about how rude it is to walk up to someone during a conversation without saying "Excuse me" or even stopping to listen to see if the conversation is over. Then DH turned to me and pointed out how 1) I didn't do anything about it and 2) this keeps happening because I have never done anything about it and why would DS10 stop now? Dammit.... he DOES have a good point! (On a side note, I left my ADHD medicine at work but I'm going to the psych today and will get more. I definitely need it!)

Now, with all that being said, I came across a very interesting article. This whole thing relates to me. I need strength to get past this.... I NEED to be able to make this change. If you have a chance, take a look at this. http://life.familyeducation.com/behavioral-problems/parenting/36016.html There are a few checklists to figure out which behaviors happen and why - 80-90% of them apply to my situation. And I am the one who gets manipulated. DS10 (and DS5 is learning it) does not have problems anywhere else or with anyone else but me. So I KNOW this is my problem. I have GOT to stop this. I am so upset that DS10 is 10 years old and it feels like I've "wasted" both his and my time not "getting it" until now. And I feel awful.... DH feels so hurt that I haven't been able to act as a mature, responsible parent on the same team as him - even though I constantly say I want to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007

Very interesting article.  I assume if you are on meds for ADHD, that you have a therapist that you visit with.  Have you talked about this concern?  Might be helpful

I thought about putting the article in an email to my dd.  Her youngest dsd is quite like the article described and the father, in this case, is too lazy to react in a healthy way.  Doesn't want his baby growing up too soon.  Surprise, she is almost 10!  LOL

I agree with Nightangel, in that you sound overwhelmed.  Perhaps due to your unwanted drug holiday??? 

I firmly believe that all children attempt manipulation.  That is natural.  Shoot....I still do at times!!  Especially when I am feeling childish and want my way, and I'm 63!!  LOL  I know all three of mine did/do.  We just have to learn how to respond in a loving, yet strong way for their sake as well as our own.  Sounds like the article has prompted your learning.  Hang in there.  I raised 1 ADHD daughter, have an 8 yr old ss on adderall (? spelling), married to an ADHD husband and dxed with ADHD myself; though I have now gotten too old and too tired to have the HD...LOL....

Take one step at a time and make gradual changes.  Don't try to change everything at once.  Take care.  Blessings

Community Leader
Registered: 12-21-2001

Namaste

I was going to ask if you were aware of the various boards on the pregancy and parenting boards and after rereading your post ask if this was a blended family, by your first post you appear a single mother.  With the board chages I a currently unable to access your profile.

Namaste

I was going to ask if you were aware of the various boards on the Pregnancy and Parenting Boards. But after reading you post and the answer on the Blended Family Board, I think you are aware of other avenues open to you.  Your first post on this board appears to be that of a single mother. Because of board changes I am currently unable to access your profile. Except for what you tell me, I must speculate.

How long has the family been blended?  How old are you. The10 and 5 refer to you sons ages? Do you both work? What do you do and is it full or part-time work? Have you brought this conundrum up with your psychiatrist?  Did you consider it a problem before your DH mentioned it as a problem?  How long has this disconnect of self-esteem, household discipline and family stability been present? How is family stability affected? How is your stability affected?  Did you notice in the html you gave the question was written by a father? How do parenting duties happen in your house?  Did the chore board work or do you have any problems with chores or is it something else?  I hope you read all the blogs by Dr. Stern about gaslighting and gaslighting relationships.

Remember, BE CAREFUL WHAT IS SAID AND HOW YOU BEHAVE around the children, expecting things to go from good to bad can become a self-fulfilling prophecy as they pick up on the vibes and then proceed to do what you don’t want them to do but they feel it is what is expected.

There is much more to be on the lookout for nowadays than when my children were small and puberty can begin at ages10 -14. When all is read, said, done, you can only do the best you can to raise a well adjusted, open-minded civil individual.  You and your husband need to remember it takes more than one person to raise a child; it’s now OUR children rather than your children.

You may need a break.  Can you arrange time off and go to a motel at the end of the state for a few days.   Can you go to a spa, or hair salon, or get a mani/pedi, go window shopping, or go to an early movie and have lunch, visit a girl friend or walk around the art gallery or museums without hubby or children? If you can’t try waking before the rest in the house and watch the sun rise, savor your cup of coffee or tea, or lie in bed and clear your mind in the silence. Practice deep breathing and I hope you aren’t sending the wrong signals to the kids.  Do they understand why you need them but they never will?  Relax and you and DH work together. Explain that you need to be talked with not talked at.

 

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Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001

~hugs~

I just think you are "Over-whelmed"...it is not your fault.

Communication takes two not just you but your husband.

One thing I noticed is you mentioned your husband talks a lot.

To you or at you.

He could be frustrated because you were texting the baby-sitter, then your son wanted to engage.

Sounds like he just maybe wants/needs your attention.

You are ONE person, your son is ten, a kid, and they forget.

Sounds like there might be too many rules...kwim?

Expectations of you that are maybe too high especially when you are not feeling well.

My heart goes out to you.

You might just need a break.

It is hard to live to someone's unrealistic standards expectations and sometimes they are our own.

So glad you posted just wanted to let you know you aren't ALONE.

Lorie

Nightangel