I'm a mess

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
I'm a mess
6
Sun, 12-19-2010 - 4:38pm

My life is a mess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 8:55am

hi, toby; welcome to the board. i'm sorry that you are having such a tough time right now. i read your post over on the depression board to see what others had to say before i responded, and i have to agree with the other posts in that you can't fault yourself for how other people are if you treat them the best that you can. your husband's behavior doesn't make you a bad wife; i, for one, wouldn't be able to put up with OCPD so i have to give you a lot of credit for that, and you haven't cheated on him or anything, so i would say that you are a great wife. and your kids - you're not a bad mom because your elder daughter lives far away and doesn't get to see you that often, but do you ever go to see her? (my mom and i have had disagreements about this - she thinks that i should always go to see her but it's expensive to fly so i want to take turns.) and your younger daughter has explicitly said that she can't be around her father; that has nothing to do with you. i like the suggestion of you and her spending some time together alone; maybe you can get lunch or go see a movie or something low-key like that. just be careful in the future with fuzzy logic; how other adults act says nothing about you.

it is really tough when a chapter in your life is over; you are shedding a lot of tears because you are grieving. it's okay to be sad for a while. but you have to recognize that all good things in life must end, and when they do it's time to move on to the next good thing. so when you start to feel the grief lessen a little, ask yourself what you would like to do next. if you still want to work with youth, fine. it doesn't have to be through a church - there are a lot of volunteer organizations that help kids and could use your dedication. also, if you want to teach college full-time but need the extra PhD credits, go back to school. sometimes it's not about the money, it's about following your heart. do you have to teach at a

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 12-20-2010 - 12:03pm

I agree with Happy Pants ... especially about high school. You've stated God wants you to teach youth, community college seems to be out of that age range. Perhaps you're not always supposed to volunteer your time to be with the youth? Maybe it's time for you to get paid for it too?

My mom believes God want her to be a teacher as well. She is in her 70s and still teaching. After she retired from the public school system she moved to China and taught there for a few years. Now she is volunteering her time to help people get better jobs. In her state it's called Deseret Industries, I think Goodwill has the same program? Where the people they hire are temporary positions while they gain the skills necessary to get a better paying job. So my mom customizes these lessons to help a particular person with various needs on various skill levels. In fact, most these people have the holidays off so she cannot go in to teach ... therefore, with permission, she's even opened her home to let the people continue their lessons if their tests are coming up soon.

It's not youth - but it still helps people bring balance into their lives.

Since you do live in a small community, maybe you'll want to look online for




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 12-21-2010 - 1:05am

I feel pretty good today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Wed, 12-22-2010 - 7:57am

you're welcome. i'm glad we gave you some things to think about.

i have to apologize - i misread your husband's condition as COPD (the cardio-obstructive one), not OCD. i have OCD, too, which only shows up when i'm really anxious and i let anxiety get the better of me. i have to be really, really wound up for it to manifest itself. so, is there something that makes your husband really anxious? anxiety is a form of fear; do you know what he might be afraid of?

if you moved into your mother-in-law's rental property, would that be at all awkward, or do you think she'll be understanding?

what additional credentials would you need to teach high school? i thought a master's would be sufficient.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 12-23-2010 - 2:02am

It seems everything makes him anxious.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Thu, 12-23-2010 - 8:31am
has DH ever sought counseling for his anxiety?

a trial separation might be good for both of you. i was thinking that you could try to get DH to go to therapy with you; if he won't go, then you're moving out.

there is another message board on this site, over on the relationships (or love & sex?) channel; it's called "should i stay or should i go?" and it might have some additional info that you can use. there's an anxiety board, too (although i think that's more for people w/anxiety, but you never know).

my mom had a master's in music, but she wanted to teach it, so she got her credentials through this program called "alternate route" (basically, night school). i think it was cheaper than the traditional teaching program. that was here in nj; i'm not sure what's available in your state. if your husband's not willing to pay for it, could you take out a loan?