Insecurities and Relationships

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2008
Insecurities and Relationships
13
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 9:55am

Hi All... While I've posted on many different boards, I'm new to this particular "self-esteem" board - but I'm really glad that I found it b/c I'm really struggling with my insecurities right now.

First, I suffere from anxiety and OCD in the form of obsessive/intrusive thinking... This manifests itself the most in my relationships with men... And it has been quite the struggle.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 12:08pm
I'm so sorry you are struggling with OCD and anxiety. It can be so difficult to deal with. Are you on any medications for it? I do know that many people have found success in controlling their impulses with medicine.

As for your compulsions in terms of relationships, take each day at a time. Maybe on one day you can concentrate on using some positive reinforcement. Read any text messages you want to send and count to five. Then remove any phrase that is negative such as "sorry to bother you" "I know you're busy". Take a deep breath, and think a positive thought about yourself.

It's so easy for other people to tell you this, I know that its easier said than done. But step by step, you can rebuild your confidence!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2008
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 12:25pm

Thank you so much... that is wonderful advice and i will practice doing that starting right now... i just don't want to ruin this - and i need to confidence to know that i'm worth it... and that he thinks so too... i read and reread his text messages almost looking for something to find wrong... makes me tired and angry with myself... i spend hours - almost all day - worrying that i've upset him and that i'm not going to hear from him, then, every single day i do... all that worry and energy wasted for nothing... and i'm still not happy or secure...

As for medication, I am currently taking medicine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2008
Wed, 10-12-2011 - 3:30pm

i'm posting to my own post, but throughout the day, i've read some other posts on this board about how insecurities affect a relationship... while i don't want to see anyone struggle in the slightest, it is comforting to know that i'm not alone in this... but i'm really scared right now... i feel like i'm at the "Y" in the road - i can make this relationship go one of two ways... and i feel like the burden is completely on me - i either fight the insecurities or let them take over... it scares me - i feel like i have a good thing going on right now and i should be enjoying it... instead i find myself saying things like "something must be up with him - how could he possibly like ME?"... it's like i don't believe it's even possible

i know that the odds are against us - we met on an airplane... he claims that he noticed me waiting in line to board the plane (yay southwest!)... he lives across the state from me - both of us visit the other's town frequently... i just find it so bizarre - that someone would notice ME standing in line?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Thu, 10-13-2011 - 12:33pm
Don't be angry with yourself, your impulses are simply your cross to bear right now. They won't necessarily always be this difficult to deal with.

I had a similar experience with meeting someone who noticed me in my work building, and I honestly couldn't believe he approached me. So that kind of self-doubt is not even necessarily your compulsions to over analyze and doubt yourself. It is just a normal human emotion.

Take a deep breath and write down five things that you know you do well, or five other positive things about yourself. Keep that list handy and when you are doubting why he might be interested look at that list, and focus on those positives instead!

And definitely talk to your doc about your meds. And remember, there is no harm in shopping around for a doctor either if you're not happy with your current doctor. They are service providers, and you are not only a patient but a customer. Especially with psychiatric care, you really have to be able to communicate effectively so that you can meet your needs.

Have a wonderful day!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Fri, 10-14-2011 - 8:38am
so, you figured out what you're afraid of - come up with a strategy/plan B to deal with it if it happens. what would happen if you guys broke up? would the world end? how would you feel? what would you do? could you move on? write about it in a journal, maybe (writing is awesome for anxiety), and be as detailed as possible. i can help you think of what to say if you have trouble getting started.

i had anxiety, too, and the "plan B" strategy was one of the best ways for me to deal with it. instead of fleeing from your fears, stay put and face them. you will feel so much better and confident :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2008
Fri, 10-14-2011 - 9:42am

Thank you both for your posts... Happy Pants, I would appreciate if you could help me get started... I don't even remember if I said this already or not, but my mind jumps to these unbelieveable conclusions... He doesn't respond to a text message = he doesn't like me anymore and has met someone else... We have had some form of communication everyday - even if short... I just can't deal with this anymore... And I also feel very worthless - he isn't my boyfriend - we are talking and in the "getting to know each other" stage - but I'm worried that, because he owes me nothing, he's just going to stop talking to me one day and not tell me... The fear is overwhelming and it's taking over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Fri, 10-14-2011 - 2:26pm
i'd be happy to help you! do you have a journal or notebook, something you'd be comfortable using for writing down your thoughts? when i was terrified of something, i would start by writing a question like "what am i afraid of?" and then just write down what comes to mind. if i were in your situation it might be "i'm afraid that when i don't hear from bob that means that he's met someone else and is going to leave me." or "i'm afraid that bob is going to stop talking to me one day." then, for each fear, you ask yourself, "what will i do if that happens?" so for the first fear maybe it would be "if bob leaves me for someone else, i would be very hurt and cry for a month. but eventually i would start to feel better and get on with my life and probably meet someone else, too." and so on for each of the fears that you've written down. it takes a little while to get comfortable with journaling but honestly it is the best thing for anxiety.

anxiety is just fear blown out of proportion and your mind works against you in this case - it latches on to whatever you're afraid of and that's what causes OCD. so the best thing to do is face your fear and dismantle it with an action plan. if bob stops talking to you or leaves you for someone else, what will you do?

hope this helps you get started - please, please let me know if you need more help :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2008
Fri, 10-14-2011 - 2:41pm

thank you so much for your suggestion... as i sit in my office struggling to make it through the day, i will start my journaling right away.... you hit the nail on the head - that is exactly what i am afraid of... and one thought balloons into a whole "story" and then i can't tell if it is real or fake... the anxiety takes over and it seems like my "story" is the ONLY possible answer to everything... i've let the anxiety take over...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Mon, 10-17-2011 - 3:53pm
How are you doing with journaling? Are you feeling any better? Yes, what's in your head is all just a story; it's the "dark side" of your imagination. Have you thought of other ways you might distract yourself when you start to worry?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2008
Tue, 10-18-2011 - 11:24am

Thank you SO much for checking on me Happy... You have no idea how much that means.

This weekend was sort of a low point.

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