My husband's low self esteem is making me feel bad

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2008
My husband's low self esteem is making me feel bad
4
Tue, 04-29-2014 - 11:42am

I have been married to a man with low self esteem for over 30 years. He has recently developed a drinking problem that I never knew about. I don't know if it is his self esteem issues or the drinking problem but suddenly my self esteem is taking a nose dive. I don't feel competent anymore. I am second guessing my every decision. I don't know how to handle this sudden loss of confidence in myself. 

Brenda

Community Leader
Registered: 01-04-2004
hey, brenda; sorry for the delayed response - are you still feeling unconfident? are there other things going on in your life (job-related, etc.) that could also be affecting your self-esteem? it could also be hormonal (i know that my confidence suffers when i'm PMSing). but in general i think it's good for all of us to make sure we're taking care of ourselves first. make sure that you're eating enough fruits and veggies and omega-3s (from fish and olive oil and nuts) and not too much sugar/flour. take a vitamin supplement if you need to (ideally your diet would provide all of the vitamins and minerals that you need but i know that a b-complex helps me when i'm feeling stressed out). exercise moderately every day and get 7-9 hours of sleep every night. take a little time (half an hour or even an hour, if you're lucky) each day to do something just for you (work on a hobby or write in your journal or take a bubble bath; it doesn't matter what it is as long as it's for YOU and nobody else). also make sure that you're talking to your friends and other family members regularly (it can even be over facebook; it doesn't matter how you communicate as long as you're staying in touch). my husband also goes through phases where his self-esteem suffers; doing all of the stuff i mentioned above helps me stay strong for him so i can help him when he needs it. i think it also helps to not take his issues personally; whatever problems your husband's having right now are HIS problems and have nothing to do with you. all you can do is help him, but you can only do that after you've helped yourself first. does that make sense?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2008

I think you might be right about taking care of myself. Because of his issues I tend to retreat to myself and stay away from family and friends. I shared with a real life friend about my husband's drinking problem and it seems to help some. No one in my family knows about this. I am really struggling with it all.

Thank you for taking time to reply to me.

Brenda

Community Leader
Registered: 01-04-2004
you're welcome. are there other friends whom you might be able to talk to? you can also look for an alcoholics anonymous group in your area (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org). i didn't know that you were keeping his problem to yourself - that explains why it's affecting you so much. talking about it will probably help you the most. i hope you feel better soon :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007

Help me understand this.  You and dh have been married for over 30 years?  Also; the drinking has just now started? Or has he always consumed alcohol and it was never a problem until now?

Alcohol itself is a well known depressant.  Which could alter ones self esteem.  Or he could be drinking because of a problem.  Have you both talked about what's changed in his life; or even changes coming up in his/your boths life?

More often than not, alcohol is used as self-medicating.  Talk to him.