need help with insecurity issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2007
need help with insecurity issues
3
Tue, 10-26-2010 - 7:53pm

Recently, my husband has become very good friends with a female friend of ours. She is married to our best friend. I am having serious jealousy issues because I am sure that their friendship could easily become something more. I have always been a pretty insecure person, with fairly low self esteem. I've been known to have jealousy with past boyfriends, and my husband.

I know that my jealousy could easily push my husband away. I do really trust him, but not as much as I should, since he is a really good person who would never try to hurt me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 8:03am

hey, lola, welcome to the board. you're definitely not alone on here; insecurity/jealousy is a really common topic. i don't know if you knew this, but both jealousy and insecurity stem from fear, so maybe you could try addressing your fears (i like to do this in a journal, but just thinking about it works, too). ask yourself what you're afraid of, deep down inside. maybe you're afraid that your husband will leave you, or something like that. when you figure out everything that you're afraid of, come up with a backup plan in case each one of those fears comes true. e.g., what would you do if your husband left you? of course you'd be devastated, but how would you get through it? would you move? change jobs? get a dog? (i'm just brainstorming, so some of these might sound silly.) the best thing that you can do is face your fears head on - take control of them so that they don't control you. does that make sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2007
Wed, 10-27-2010 - 7:14pm

Yes, that does make a lot of sense. I think my biggest fear is that my husband will leave me, though I know that he would never do it quickly, or surprise me with it. He would work it out with me and be extremely fair and he would still be in my life. We will always be best friends no matter what. So I guess I need to think about exactly what about it is so horrifying. I have started a journal, and it is helping me to sort out my feelings...figure out which ones are rational and irrational. I'm going to stop obsessing about the marriage and start working on my insecurities that were there before I even met him. I am already feeling better, and we are having more fun together, since I decided that I have no control over whether or not he falls in love with someone else, or leaves me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Fri, 10-29-2010 - 8:04am

cool, it sounds like you've made a lot of progress so far. the horrifying feeling about someone leaving you could come from fear of abandonment (which is human nature - i think everybody at some point is afraid of being alone), but that's just a guess. so, yeah, just remember that