Thoughts won't shut off regarding body image and impending doom

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2011
Thoughts won't shut off regarding body image and impending doom
5
Thu, 12-22-2011 - 4:08am

Hi all...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2011

Hey...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
oh, okay, i think i see where you're coming from now (or at least a little more clearly). you need your husband to touch you more so that you feel sexy, but in your husband's mind touching leads to sex, which he is anxious about. i got it. well, is touching always foreplay to you? or are you okay with, say, a massage that doesn't necessarily lead to intercourse? there are a lot of non-sexual types of touching; i remember reading about that somewhere on the internet. basically, you abstain from intercourse for a few weeks while you get used to touching each other in non-foreplay ways; it helps with sexual anxiety. (i can find the article, if you want, or you can google it yourself.) if you truly need to be touched to feel close/sexy, then it might help you.

so his issue is that he used to sleep around, but now that he found someone whom he truly loves he doesn't know what to do? that's not weird and i can see how it would create a lot of anxiety for him. when you guys do have sex, do you ever initiate in the way that you would like so that he doesn't have time to think/worry about it? i know a lot of guys (my husband included) can have performance anxiety because they're not sure what their wives want, so maybe you can SHOW him what you want instead of just telling him (which hardly ever works, lol).

i know empaths exist - my sister and best friend are both empaths, and they have a tough time shutting out the outside world when it becomes too much. what kinds of things do you do for yourself that are peaceful? you said that you write; do you have any other creative outlets? what about yoga or meditation?

what is it about getting old that is not beautiful to you?

i've only had curly hair since i was about 25 (it was wavy before, i shaved it all off in college and it came back curly), so i haven't lived with it my whole life. but my sister has - she's always trying to smoothe/straighten it out, so i see where you're coming from. but for me - i rock the bedhead look, lol. comb it in the morning, maybe put it in a ponytail, then forget about it. it's going to do what it wants anyway, right? i like it messy because it looks like i was at the beach all day (yeah, even in december, lol).

when you were in your teens, how was being curvy "different"? i was picked on, too - other kids used to call me "thunder thighs" or "bubble butt" and that upset me a lot. but now i know that everybody gets picked on for something and kids are generally mean to each other. college was a lot better for me; was it for you?

it doesn't sound like your husband cares about how you look on the outside, which is awesome. is it possible that you're still mentally stuck in high-school mode (when you were younger and he was still a player)?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007

I think you have nailed it when you talked about a form of obsession.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2011

Hey there...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006

okay, so you're saying that you need that sexual connection to feel beautiful, right? that's normal. what is it specifically about sex that you need? intercourse itself, or orgasms or foreplay or cuddling or what? if your husband isn't always in the mood for intercourse, would a combination of all the other things be enough for you?

you mentioned that his ED is medically related - is he overweight or something like that, and if so is that something he's willing to work on? did you guys talk about this before you got married, or did you just assume that it would be fine? sorry for all the questions, by the way, but i know with obsessions it's a good idea to try to pinpoint exactly what it is that's bothering you. (and obsession IS anxiety; it's anxiety over one particular thing that gets blown out of proportion.) do you have a journal or notebook where you can write about what's bothering you? that always helps me with anxiety. a lot of times i'll ask myself what i'm afraid of, deep down inside, and what would happen if those fears were true. so...1) you're afraid of being fat and ugly. what if you WERE fat and ugly? what would happen? would everybody hate you? 2) you're afraid of getting old. why? is it a fear of dying, or wrinkles/gray hair, or what? 3) what else are you afraid of?

p.s. i have naturally curly hair, too, and it drives me nuts to the point where i think about shaving it off every other day :)