SJ -what's going on in September

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Registered: 05-08-2006
SJ -what's going on in September
8
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 7:55pm
I have been on this journey for such a long time, with more and less success. Now that the board is a little more active, I will try the journal thing again in hopes of getting myself back on track. My weight is creeping up...back to 180, which I know doesn't seem much twosome people, but in the scheme of things is 20 pounds up from my low a few years ago...I want to stop this now. I am not sure the underlying g cause...well, I know it inmy eating, but why am I eating this way? I am happy...the happiest I remember being in a long time...maybe ever...so why am I using food for reasons that don't go with hunger? How have I lost track of my food rules? Again, not sure....I eat ok on Mon - Friday u til after dinner, then all bets are off...same on weekends. Buy chips, candy, make and eZt cookies. Let's face it...I live alone...if I buy something, it's because I am going to eat it...I know this...but I still do it. Yesterday, I went out for breakfast - a fried egg, two pieces of bacon, toast with butter, some hash browns...not a good as 80 calorie yogurt or 200 calorie oatmeal, but a planned choice. I had my hair cut, wn't to the gym for Zumba...had a protein bar. Sat at the pool...I planned to leave at 2:00,but I fella sleep, so was there until 2:30. I wanted To get my Nails done, so I wn't to the salon..stopping for a raspberrie smoothie...they were very busy but I am a regular and they sort of snuck me in...but the person I got was slow...really slow, and when they aren't busy, they do hands and feet together, and this was a split job...iwas so late, and it was us humid, that my nails didn't dry well, and within a half hour, I smudged them...I was later getting the bus than I wanted, so I missed the bus I wanted but had to wait for the next one. I decid my best bet was to go toMcDonald's, which I do not Ben really like...quarter pounder and fries...and water...still not totally horrendous..but then I went and bought candy..not one but two...junior mints and bit o honey...really? This was necessary? Why? Because my nails were smudged? Because I was late? Because I had to go to a memorial service today when my plans were to watch football? What. When I got o the Cape, where there is minimal food, I made popcorn...air popped but I melted butter....later, I had a fruit bar...why? Today, I walked to the store (about 30 minutes, and did 20 minutes of exercise videos. But after the service, there was a reception, and I had wine...I was not close at all to he person who died, this wasa family obligation...I hope that br writing about what I am thinking I can find some measure of control...or I will be in a mess...
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Registered: 05-08-2006
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 9:15pm
I weighed 179.4 or 179.8 this morning - I can't remember...thatvw down from Saturday...I am usually up on Mondy, so that made me happy, especially after crazy eating Saturday. my normal meals are. Oatmeal/protein or a carton of yogurt for breakfast, a protein bar at 10:00, a salad with chicken or some other protein, carrots, celery and lettuce or something similar and a little dressing at noon, a piece of fruit at 2:00 and a carton of yogurt at 4:00. I need to have a protein shake fter I work out, but I am struggling with that. And then dinner varies. I make soup on Sundays for the early part of the week, and a nice dinner on Wednesday or Thursday and ome times Friday. That is what I should ET, plus a 100 calorie treat between dinner and bedtime. I am doing well up until the snack...I have three, four, five snacks some nights. I wonder if it is hunger, habit, boredom...last night, I bought a pizza..I have been craving good pizza all summer. I had it once with my family, but it wasn't my favorite...it was thick crust, I like thin....there is a place on my street that makes great pizza...I have been going there since college...last night I ordered one and ate two pieces...which I w fine with because it was my dinner...I had six pieces left. Tonight I had corn chowder, a piece of corn bread, and 2 pieces of pizza. I plan to have a sugar free Popsicle wns a cookie. If I can stop there, I will be happy. I only drank half my post workout protein shake because the water I mixed it with wasn't cold...if a couple people fill water bottles, they drain the cold water. I drank half, threw half away...and I had one piece of chocolate today. I should pay some bills, and pick up a little. I am watching football, maybe between game I will get my act together. I had a great gym visit tonight..I was there for two hours, 27 minutes on the bike, lifting or chest and back, ran 1.5 miles, did floor abs...I am going to Poland for a week on Friday, and I need to think about what to pack...need to check the weather and also get something to use a 'prizes' for a team building exercise. Last time I bought candy there because I didn't plan ahead...I need something small and lightweight and I need 25 or so....I am thinking olorful post-it notes as they don't seem to have those.....and I like them....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 9:34pm
I weighed 179.6 this morning. Today was an insanely annoying day at work...I had to bite my tongue more than once...I had four...that's right four, pieces of chocolate during the day...other than that, I am on plan...I had a great gym visit because I stayed focused...I left work late, and I had a conference call tonight, but in between, I went to the gym and did what I planned...but why do I think chocolate will make the day better...it never does....and yet I keep doing it...
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Registered: 05-08-2006
Wed, 09-12-2012 - 10:48pm
I weighed 179.4 this morning. It was a good day, although I ate chocolates - three of them, and raisins...and no fruit...and no gym...I went with a freind to look T a house he wants to buy...which I am happy about. I could have done something here tonight, but I didn't. But it was still a good but busy day...
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Registered: 05-08-2006
Thu, 09-13-2012 - 8:57pm
I weighed 179.4 this morning...I ate no chocolate at work today...because there was no chocolate at work...also no fruit, because I have no fruit...but a good eating day. I should be packing for Poland, but I am not...I am doing laundry andi will fold and pack some things...very time savings. I always think of someone who used to post here, Colleen, when I do laundry. To add steps in, she put laundry away one piece at a time...I sometimes fold in the living room and make a few trips down the hall to put away,but not one piece at a time. I need to pay some bills...it won't take long once I get going...and take trah out...but I am on the couch watching football and it feels so good to be doing nothing...good gym visit today, trying to step up the cardio...tomorrow I am blowing off the gym to get my nails done. I hope to leave work early,but I can never count on that...and I am not rushing nails this week because I hate wrecking them five minutes after they are done (I realize there are way bigger problems in the world....). Anyway, this was a good day.
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Registered: 05-08-2006
Sun, 09-16-2012 - 6:32pm
So I am in Poland...where I have not worked and, although I have walked quite a bit. Eating is just hard...I am hungry at the wrong times, and I haven't worked out...Friday, I had dinner at the airport...I planned that, and I ate the meal on the plane....both actually. Well three now that i think of it. It wasn't bad but I think I eat because I am bored more than hungry. I had to switch planes and I didn't buy pastry at the airport, I had my protein bar. I had pierogis for my meal yesterday...late enough that it was lunch and dinner...but the hotel left me a bunch of cookies, candy, and a chocolate chocolate chip muffin in my room. I ate half the muffin at midnight last night...which was 6:00pm US time. I had a decent breakfast this morning, scrambled eggs, one sausage, fruit..and a chocolate croissant. I volunteered at a race, and thy gave us muffins...I ate half, three half away. My lunch was a pita with chicken and other things...called a kebab but not what I think of...I ate some, tossed some. My dinner was a baked potato with sour cream and cheese and bacon...I thought I was ordering potato skins but this was good...but then I had cake...I dream of this cake...I hope I won't get it again...this visit....there was also beer and wine involved today....I set my alarm so I can get up and workout tomorrow. My goal is to have eggs and fruit for breakfast....we'll see if I can do that...the people running today looked so fit..I wanted to run but I knew I was too slow, and I am glad I didn't. But the volunteers were all on the heavy side...next year, I want to be a runner...or at least look like one...
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Registered: 05-08-2006
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 7:11am
I am back from Poland, but mi am awake way too early, which I am sure is because my body is still on Poland time...I has an awesome time. The work there is work I love, and I love the me that I get to be when I am doing it. I like my job most of the time, but I am a 'fixer' and a get it done person, so I often am given and even request assignments where there are problems...and fix them. This means that I have to ask a lot of people, and sometimes those people are at least part of the reason there is a problem...so I am not always able to just be sweet and motivating, some times I am kicking butt and taking names. Interestingly, some of the people who send me to fix things are uncomfortable with what I do to get things back on track...which may be because, if they could do this hard thing, thy would and they wouldn't need me. I know how to, and frequently am, positively motivating, but some people need a different kind of direction...tough love...and not a lot of people can do that. I actually really like doing the positive side of things, and on some projects, that is all I need to do. Those projects run very smoothly, and because of that, they get little attention...so the good side of me doesn't always get a lot oh higher up exposure, and the tough side of me does...my assignment in Poland draws on the good side when I am there, and some on that side when I am in the US, but will require some taking names stuff too. Anyway, it is fun to be there. I participated in a very fun relay race as a volunteer on Sunday, and went on a boat ride on Monday, and had dinner with colleagues from several other offices three times. On Sunday night I w thinking that I would just not work out all week, take it as a rest week, but I slapped myself up side the head, and said no to that plan. Four mornings I got up and worked out - three days I did a cardio warmup, lifted, and did abs, and one day I ran along the river, then did abs in my room. The fifth day I walked from the office to the hotel, which took an hour..longer than I thought it would but very manageable as a workout. It is hard to tell about food overall, but I think I did better than last time. The hotel serves a breakfast buffet as part of your room rate, and it is awesome. Sunday, I had the full buffer...meaning a little of everything I wanted, not that I heaped my plate with food. The race supplied a muffin and I ate half of that. My lunch, which we ate around 4:30, was a chicken kebab which was a pita.ike sandwich with chicken, veggies, and sauce. I ate only part of. It..it was big and filling, but I can't guess on the calories. If I had it again, and I could communicate this, I would say 'no sauce' not because it wasn't good but I think it was the only high calorie part of it. I ate dinner quite late, in the hotel bar watching football, and I ordered what I thought was potato skins but was really a baked potato with sour cream, bacon, and chives on the side. It was quite good, the potatoe as a good choice snd the IDE amounts small, but again no idea on calories...and thn I had delicious cake..but I knew I would have that cake, and it is worth the calories...I think, since I don't know the out. I also had a beer and two glasses of wine...I think the drinking, which I never do at home, iw where I am going to get caught. It is also highly likely that before I went to sleep, I had a snack...I brought protein bars, granola bars, and crackers with peanut butter...and the hotel brought me a muffin and cookies one day, chips and nuts another. Over the course of the week, I ate half the muffin, probably six cookies, and the chips and nuts. They were not huge amounts, but I ate them because thy were there. On the other hand, I brought home some of my snack food, so I can't say if they were extra calories. For the rest of the week, I had eggs and fruit for breakfast plus one other thing...a potato patty or juice...until Friday when I agin had what I wanted, again my plate was not overflowing, but I had a sausage and a pastry. The improvement here is that last time, I had full breakfast every day. For my lunches, one day I had chicken in a salad, one day I had soup, one day I had Amal of breaded meat, potatoes, and a mixed vegetable, one day I had what I though was past but was really potatoes, peppers and sweet pickles...it was delicious...I left some on my plate because portions were quite large. The dy I has soup, I had dessert...yes, that cake again...good, but not as good as the hotel. Friday I had lunch at the airport, a sandwich made on a bagel, and pastryI can't explain...and while waiting for the change in plains, I bought chips...my dinners with colleagues were all multi course, wine accompanied meals...I ordered soup for one appetizer, bread and cheese for another, and a little cheese souffle for the third. I had beef bourganianne one night..I actually only ate a small amount of this and the potties as it was very rich...it is a dish I only think I like, in reality it is too heavy. That night I had creme brûlée...that whole meal was less than 40 zloty...around 13 dollars...well, and then the wine...one night I had risotto, I think I finished that but it wasn't a huge portion. One night I actually don't know what I had..but I know that both of those nights I had no dessert, one night against a lot of pressure. One night, I ate alone at the hotel because I needed to dial in to calls. That night, I had an appetizer of tempura shrimp and...you guessed it, the cake. Plus drinks. If I go again for a week, I need to not drink alcohol if I eat alone, and only have cake once. And be more aware of the snacks....I did drink a lot of water...and I didn't eat any of the many chocolates delivered to my room...I brought them all to the office on Friday...yay me.
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Registered: 05-08-2006
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 8:46am
This is way off topic. I know there are other boards here for this kind of stuff, but I am not so much looking for advice as wanting to write this out to think through it, and you ladies know me...so if anyone is going to read and comment, then I would like it to be you...but it is ok if no one does. it is super long and rambling.... My parents separated when I was 11, and divorced 2 years after that. It was entirely my dad's choice, and my mother was devastated by this...in many ways, she never recovered, and her life, for her, always felt tarnished and tainted by this. Even when she was happy, there was always something missing. If this happened today, it would be very common, and she might get counseling and move past it, but then, it felt shamful to her, and for the most part, it was kept a secret...not that you could keep it a secret, but we never discussed how we felt about it outside our home. The event itself, and how it was dealt with, totally influenced my life. You cannot have close freinds if you cannot discuss the worst things in your life. If your only support is your immediate family, then you are isolated from others and don't form healthy relationships. If you feel rejected and abandoned early in life, it is very hard to trust. If you have to be an adult at 11, you never get to be a stupid kid. That is my reality. However, I have had counseling, and although I still deal with these things, I know that I do...which is something. My dad married as soon as the divorce was final. He was never a great father...not a bad father, just not great- when he lived with us, he worked hard, took care of the man chores, read to us, but he was not involved a lot in our lives...that I think was true of most fathers of my generation. Our mothers stayed home and took care of us...our dads worked and mowed the lawn and occasionally put us to bed or disciplined us. After the divorce, our visitation was that my dad came to our house two nights a week, helped with homework, played games with us, watched tv with us, put us to bed, and left. My dad was reliable. He always came, pretty much around the same time. My mother's child support check was always on the table when it was supposed to be. We spent a week with him each summer, and a few days at the holidays. It was always hard to leave my mother alone for those days, but I knew we had to. My dad attended anything we invited him to, but it hurt my mother that he was there. I usually didn't invite him, my brother usually did. I understood my bother's choices, and I think my mother did too. My dad never said anything about what he was left out of. I think he knew he had made a choice that hurt us, and whatever hurt it gave him, he kept from us. Financially, we were all worse off because of the divorce, my mom had just gotten a job, which she thought would pay for extras, and instead we needed it, plus other part time jobs, to survive. My dad had to help support two homes...I grew up not so much not getting what I asked for but knowing not to ask...my brother was less affected by this because once I was old enough to work, more money went to his wants...and I honestly believe that if only one of us could have or do some thing, I let it be hm because I knew I wouldn't have enjoyed something I had if he didn't. My dad and stepmother had two children, quite a bit younger than us. Although my dad lived about 20 minutes away while we were in highnschool, the same summer my brother went to college, he moved to another state an hour and a half away. There were financial reasons for this, but also the timing probably coincided with us moving on to our own lives. There was no money to help us with college. I has scholarships, a loan, and I worked. My brother attended a military academy. We took care of this ourselves. We saw my dad and his new family a few times a year - Christmas, , a summer weekend - we all got along during those times. My stepmother helped my dad be a better father, both to her children and to us. She frequently called me, and I would talk to both of them. As I got older, I saw some of my father's qualities in myself, and I understood him better..how he was able to do what he did. There are many things about him I admire, and I enjoy his company. I have seldom asked anything of him, or him of me, but I think in general, we come through for each other. My Full brother and I are close. We have very successful lives, but I credit that to my mother and to us, not to my father. I think my father feels the same way. Although we love our half siblings, and do not actually refer to them that way, the age difference and other things mean we are not close day to day. Their lives were different. Money was not so much of an issue. They were helped to pay for college. Their father lived with them. They did not experience the gut ripping moment of hearing that your family was being torn apart by divorce. My sister has a good life, but my brother, although a good, hardworking person, lacks common sense and is perpetually in financial crisis. Neither is, at this point in their lives, nearly as settled as my full brother and I were at the same age. The relationship between us is mostly one way...if we invite them to do something, they accept and seem to have a good time, but they do not reciprocate. For a while, this was ok, because they were kids and we were adults. But we are all adults now. I stopped buying birthday presents and just send cards, because that is what they do. I didn't discuss it, I just did it. I do not reach out much because they do not reach back. I know it is not their fault, but I definitely feel like they got my father instead of me. I had so much responsibility for my mother that I do not want to have to do that for my father. My stepmother was younger than my dad, and I always said I would take care of my mother, my stepmother would take care of my dad, and her kids could take care of her...but she, sadly, died first..way too young. Now my mom is gone too. my dad has a 'freind'. We like her, but I know she finds some of our behavior towards my dad disappointing.....She is close to her children and talks to one of them evey day. If I talk to my das once a month, that seems like enough. I do not visit frequently. I do not think this disappoints my dad...and even if it does, to me, he has no right to criticize me...and since he doesn't we have no issue. But she says little things that send that message. I do not want to say to her 'he abandoned me...he is lucky I am in his life' so I ignore the comments, or I say...'you know him now, we have a different history'............... Now my dad is turning 80. He is in good health, but that will not last forever...and the planning of his birthday party is exposing some things that, if they are here for a happy time, will definitely show under pressure. My full brother announced over a year ago that we should have a party...we all agreed, but for my brother...his job is done...we asked my dad's freind to recommend a restaurant near where they live, but her response, although not direct, is that we could have a party at home...we could, but for my sisterIn law and me, that would be a huge amount of work. The freind would help, but we do not want that. Dinner at a restaurant, even for a large group, is easy for us to afford, my younger brother can't afford to contribute, but he wouldn't do much of the work if we did it at home, so he is not a consideration in that decision. We do not expect him to pay a share, and he knows that. My sister in law, god love her, tried to involve my sister in the planning, but all she got was 'whatever you want'. I had no strong opinion on where we should go, so when my sister in law suggested a place we both like, I agreed. It is a good choice, not actually too near anyone, but not too far, and close to a main highway. We dithered some this summer about what to do, and I realized that my sister law was starting To resent that she was doing all the work..evn though she kept offering to Do things. I stepped up my enthusiasm and contributions, and increased my show of gratitude to her. Invitations have been sent. My younger brother, for his contribution, is making a video using photos from my dad's that he took and scanned. This project took most of the summer, with him emailing photos for us to identify. My feedback has been consistent...good idea, but keep it short...last week, he sent us a link to the uploaded pictures...over 600, and asked for feedback on them and the music. I started to review them...they were in no order, and there was no editing for quality. Because I am very organized, I would have sorted first, and only uploaded and identified what I planned to use, so I thought that was what he did...his request was for us to send him more pictures if we wanted them included. I responded - admittedly, I sent three emails because as I got deeper in to them, I had more to say. I was in Poland, so he couldn't 't call me. I only got through a third of the pictures...evidently, I offended him because my sister inlaw sent me an email he sent to everyone else clarifying that he didn't intend to use all the pictures, and he wanted to know my dads favorite songs, not our suggestions for songs. My sister inlaw forwarded this to me, not knowing that I had responded to the request for feedback, but clarifying that she hadn't. I purposely sent my comments only to him, so no one else would be influenced, but I stressed 'not too long'. I did note the effort he had made at scanning all the pictures and that my dad should get the whole package. I also got copied on a note from my sister to him, where it was clear he called her upset and she was sending this to let us know what they had discussed. I did not communicate with him about either of these emails. He has now sent the draft video. It is 20 minutes long, which I think is too long. It is upsetting to me because there are pictures of my mother, including their wedding..I do not think my dad saved this picture, based on other pictures I think someone cleaning out their parents stuff sent him family pictures...my mother would hate this...I do not know how my dad will feel, but in reality, that is between him and my brother...and my mother is dead, so of course, she won't know. But I know. On the other hand, there are almost no pictures of me or events in my life. The pictures I am in are from other people's occasions. Of course it is natural that my brother has many more pictures of him and m sister than of my brother and me. And I think the pictures he has of my full brother, I probably sent my dad..no one did that wih pictures of me. We were given the chance to send pictures, but in fact, I don't think there are pictures from my graduation with my dad and me. He was there, but I don't think he was in any pictures...my mother had the camera. The video really illustrates to me my feeling that my younger brother and sister got a great dad at my expense....feelings I haven't felt or dealt with in a very long time. I am afraid my full brother will feel the same way....I know he struggles with this. It hurts me if something hurts him. I do not want to talk about this with anyone in my family because the relationships are too complex, and on the surface, we all get along...and I want it to stay that way. I know my younger brother wants praise for this...but I still think it is too long, and of course, it hurts me. But I also know it is his big contribution to the day, so I have to suck it up. At the same time, my sister suggested that as her contribution, she purchase a gift from all of us. My full brother and I were actually planning to give my dad a trip to Poland to visit me, but I could tell that that would be the wrong thing to do...my sister law bailed me out by suggesting that can be an early Christmas gift...which is a good idea but not what I wanted...again, sucking it up...if I feel this conflicted about a simple party, I cannot imagine what it will be like if we have to make care giving, end of life decisions for my dad. I am the oldest, but in some ways, I feel the most on the outside...well, my full brother maybe feels more so, but he will just say what he thinks should happen, but not actually do it. For my mother, my sister law shouldered a lot of the work...so did I, but she did his share...that is in some ways between them, but I am grateful to her because if she hadn't, I would have had to, so it was a gift to me. Anyway, there is no real point to this...we will get through this event, and I will hopefully have a long time to think about how to handle what is ahead. And I know the potential for conflict is there. My dad does have a will and a health proxy...both name me so I actually know I will be in charge...but I will need to be very careful that at the end of this, we are still a family. If you read this far...thanks for listening...
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Registered: 05-08-2006
Sat, 09-29-2012 - 2:20pm
Where did September go? This month flew by...I weighed 179.2 today...so I more or less held my own this month. I made a monumental decision for me this morning. A few years ago, as a way to motivate myself, I decided to not wear my rings again until I was 175 or under. It has not happened. Today I d died to stop denying myself that pleasure. I have three rings, all of which have sentimental clue. One is my birthstone, and my mother, brother and grandmother gave it to me when I turned 21. It replaced a ring I lost somehow doing laundry. My grandmother was in a nursing home, and she had the box 'hidden' in her hands when I went to visit. She died the same year, so it is really special memory. The second I bought with 'retirement' money from my first real job as a waitress. It was kind of a fluke that I got the money, and I decided to put it into something tangible that would last. The third I bought for myself at a really low point in my life. I went to buy a present for ome one else, couldn't find anything, and bought the ring instead. It symbolizes to me that I matter to me. Anyway, I am deciding to stop punishing and denying myself...and my rings are on