I'm Back... been gone a long time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2009
I'm Back... been gone a long time...
5
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 3:01am

Today is March 12, 2012 and about 3am. I have been through a great deal this past month and a half. I was doing well with my weightloss I went from 304 pounds down to 264 and yesterday I am back up to 270. I am having a hard time focusing in my life right now. On February 6, 2012 at 413pm my boyfriend of 22 years died in my arms, at his home. I have not been able to function since. I find it difficult to get out of bed in the mornings. Slowly I am trying to get back into the life that I know Kevin would want me to have. He would not want me to stop taking care of myself or to quit college. Which has been another major battle I had 6 weeks to go when Kevin passed to get my bachelors degree. I am struggling and I am sure my GPA will suffer I had a 3.87 GPA before, but this quarter I will have my first B's on my transcripts, but that is life. I am in a Tops group and a few members have asked me to take an office and I am considering it because I need something to do to keep my head above water. Many other friends have suggested counseling and meds, but being unemployed I have no insurance and I am not able to afford the doctors bills right now. I have 500, and no job, and a lot of bills to pay. Stress is high right now, but at the same time I am not caring? This Friday my Bachelors degree is over. I need to get the weight under control. I am not looking for another man and at this point I do not feel that I could go through this again.. I just need something to focus on to keep me busy and functioning in society again. I am sorry if this post is depressing, but this is my life for now and what has transpired since my last post.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Mon, 03-19-2012 - 9:42pm
What did you major in? What was your favorite subject? What is your dream job? SJ
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2009
Sun, 03-18-2012 - 7:09pm
Got my grades back already, an A, A-, and a B+ all things considered I think I did pretty well. I have a hard time sleeping anymore. Some images haunt me. So I am hoping for a second or third shift job.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Sun, 03-18-2012 - 5:33pm
Good luck with your job interview. I am a night person too, although I work regular (9-5) hours. Occasionally we have the need for someone to work overnight and I always volunteer -,others think it is a sacrifice but for me it is heaven. I try do do as much as I can at night before I go to bed so I can sleep until the last possible second. Congratulations on finishing your exams. I hope that getting a job will give you a little money to do something that feels like celebrating, even if t is just treating yourself o a book, a pair of earrings, something small that will feel like a treat to you. Best wishes SJ
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2009
Sat, 03-17-2012 - 4:39am

I so agree with your post. I have been spending a lot of time alone lately. This past week was my final finals week. I was glad it was over, but the second I hit the last send button I was saddened by the fact that I had reached this milestone that I had worked so hard on for the past two years and I finally am done and the person I was to celebrate tonight with is no longer with me on this earth. I cried and was saddened because at the begining of this quarter I was with my Kevin and he said just think in 10 more weeks you will be done and we can go out and celebrate the weekend. I want so badly to spend a weekend with him... If only I could, so finishing my degree has brought me sad memories. I miss him a lot.

Getting into a daily regrime is hard for me because I have never had a normal job or normal hours. Most nights I spent talking to my Kevin until 4am. I am a night person, but the nights have become very lonely. I need a job or something to occupy my time. I have a job interview on Tuesday. I had applied as a tech and on Thursday they called me to tell me that they would like to consider me for a supervisors position.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 9:56pm
I am sorry you are coming back to us after such a sad time, but IMAm glad you are coming back. Congratulations on finishing your degree. I don't think a few B's will affect your average much, and once you get out into the work force, people seldom ask about your GPA...it is nice to have the confidence that doing well in school can give you, but in the work world, it us more about what you did yesterday:) If you feel that having a professional to talk to would help you, then looking into counseling might e a good idea. But it is ok to be sad when something sad happens to you. If you have good friends and family that support you, will listen when you want to talk and not press when you don't, then it is sometime possible to work through feelings on your own. Once you are done with school, you might want to set up a schedule for yourself that has structure and activities - a time that you get up every day, a planned breakfast that is easy to make, some exercise, some job searching activities, something comforting/spiritual(prayer, church, meditation, reading, yoga...). Also plan things to make yourself have contact with others. Treat yourself to coffee and sit at the coffee shop with your computer, the newspaper, or a book. Visit the library. seek out someplace where you can volunteer. The TOPS group might be a good place. If you cannot find a job in your field, think about some kind of summer job to bring in some cash and fill up some time. The more active you can e at it, the better. Be kind to yourself. It takes years to grieve a loss...there are a lot of dark days, but they eventually lessen, and you suddenly realize that you are happy. For me, working on my weight when I feel out f control has been a good thing because it gives me something to feel is an accomplishment. But it is also OK to just hold on if that is all you can do. Feel free to post often, about where ever you are in your journey. If you want to, you might cheek out the bereavement board too. The people there are actively grieving and some people find it comforting to hear from other in the same situation. Best wishes SJ