Finally figured something out
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|Sun, 08-04-2013 - 11:22pm|
I think I finally figured out why I want to eat junk food. Long story here but I will try to give you the condensed version. I met my now husband when I was 15. He pretty controlling then and would tell me what I could and couldn't eat - no olives, mushrooms, bell peppers - because he didn't like them and didn't want to taste them when he kissed me. I offered to chew gum but nope that wasn't good enough.
Yes, I'm still married to him but he doesn't tell me what to eat anymore. You see he has an eating disorder that I've had to just let go. I don't say or do anything about it anymore - that's between him and his doctor. He really likes that I'm not saying anything about his ED anymore so he wouldn't think of trying to control what I eat. I couldn't figure out why I kept feeling that my poor eating habits were to get back at him. I had totally forgotten about the no olives, mushrooms, etc. So now its like since he eats only low calorie, sugar free stuff, I only want to eat high calorie, high sugar stuff. I know I'm hurting myself but can't seem to move past this.
All he eats is lettuce, sugar free jello and meat that he's either caught or hunted himself. So in my rebellious mind, pretty much all I eat is junk food, which I've always loved anyway. I used to care and at least try to exercise and eat a few vegetables and lean, healthy meats. Now that my kids are grown and DH won't eat anything I cook, I just don't cook. Cereal or peanut butter straight from the jar are my primary meals.
So whenever he upsets me (which is almost hourly), I want to eat. In my mind it's not only comfort food but it's getting back at him. I'm hoping that now that I've figured this out, I can start to figure out how to break this mentality. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
I've also reached the point where I loose weight, then I put it back on, then loose it, put it back on - so why bother loosing it anymore. I would be happy if I could just maintain my slightly obese state. But I can't even seem to do that.
Well, thanks for listening to my mess!