Feeling guilty that money worries have affected daughter

Avatar for colomom99
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Feeling guilty that money worries have affected daughter
Thu, 12-29-2011 - 11:51am

Good morning, I am not looking for sympathy or even support but just have to confess. We have been so stressed about money tthe last couple months as I still have work lined up or pending but clients continue to be slow to pay. It's eating up our cushion that we got as an advance inheritiance quickly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008

Jenny I am sorry to hear this about your daughter. I hope she can get some relief from counseling and the team you have set up for up for her including support from your family.

I know my kids are affected by all the money talks, and the look on my face when they ask for something for school yet again. Life is so expensive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2001

(((ohmygosh - Jenny -

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2008

My heart goes out to your daughter and to YOU too!


"Patience is the best remedy for every trouble"- Plautus

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thanks for posting, Jenny. My DD is almost 12 and I worry about food issues, also.

It is hard to know when our kids need to be aware that having a spending plan and living within our means is a GOOD thing, and when to keep things to ourself.

What a blessing that your insurance is be cooperative. That is huge in and of itself.

Hang in there and love on that little girl of yours.
Avatar for poorboy2011
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2011

Sorry to hear about your daughter. When I was about her age, my family went through something similar, and so I'll try to be helpful here. If money troubles come to define your family, then this boa constrictor may be with your daughter for the rest of her life. I have the tendency to spend the way that I unconcsciously think I deserve, because I remember what it was like to have plenty of money as a child, and to associate my status (and my family's status) with possessions.

Children know more than parents think. I was sneaking in to examine my parents' financial records when the capital for their company started to run dry. I knew not everything was OK. Perhaps talking to your daughter like she was an adult would help. But at the same time you have to communicate confidence and faith in spite of the very real problems. A New York Times article about Shackleton's disastrous expedition discusses leadership. Everyone knew they were facing extinction from starvation, from the hostile, cold environment, etc. So there was no way to hide the problems. But Shackleton had to inspire the men:

After the Endurance sank, leaving the men stranded on the ice with three small lifeboats, several tents and supplies, Shackleton realized that he himself had to embody the new survival mission — not only in what he said and did, but also in his physical bearing and the energy he exuded.

He knew that each day, his presence had huge impact on the men’s mind-sets. He managed his own emotional intelligence — to use a modern term — to keep his own courage and confidence high; when these flagged, he never let his men know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
PB This is a wonderful response! I think it is always not so much the situation that wecare in but howvwe choose to face it that defines it. If we can project a sense of control and positive possibilities, then we begin to believe it and then it begins to come true. So many people come to IVillage boards thinking that they are hopeless, helpless, and all alone and find that others have been where they are and found their way to a better place. To the original poster - food issues are so scary. My sister in law has been on the anorexic/bulimic side of food, and I am on the emotional eating/comfort side. It is very interesting to see how we use compulsive behavior in different ways to try to gain control of a life that feels out of control. Know that for your daughter, there is hope that this can be conquered. Just like overcoming all of our addictive behaviors, it is hard work that requires a lifetime of vigilance, but survival and thriving is possible. Best wishes SJ
Avatar for poorboy2011
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2011

I should perhaps clarify that my post is just from my own experience. Your mileage may vary. Ultimately I don't really know colomom and her situation, so I don't want to make assumptions about what she has or has not been doing. I hope my post didn't imply that. I do feel a great deal of sympathy. Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005

Sorry about your dd.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2010
Jenny -
Hard to hear about your daughter. Can you keep your financial discussions to the night or online between the two of you where she does not hear it?
Also, for slow paying clients, can you have a discount for faster payment?
On the next bill, be sure to note that payment is expected within 30 days or you will attach a late fee of 7%?
Remember that in business you create your own sense of urgency by how you work with each client - you did work, don't be afraid to ask for a payment, or call and politely tell them you will have to raise their fees in order to compensate for slower payments.
Huggs, sorry for your struggle, our kids are SO important! If it any consolation, those moms who work outside the home have kids that don't fair any worse, and in many studies, much better!