Feeling sick

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Feeling sick
13
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 11:37am

Had a terrible day yesterday involving a huge fight with my sister. One of her main issues with me? Not spending enough money on my nephew for his birthday last month. Claims I don't love him. I did what I could, spent an afternoon baking him cupcakes and treated him to a movie. The cost of the movie was something I could barely handle, but we made it work. Don't know when I'll speak to my sister again, and she will withhold my nephew from me.

Today DH needs my car to drive to a shooting range with my dad. Today was payday which is another stressful conversation about money and what bills we can pay. We were expecting a small bonus from DH's work today but find out first thing this morning it won't come until the 17th. The 17th - after our trip to TN, after our insurance bill is due, etc. How are we going to make this work? I work very hard on the budget figuring out what we can do this month. How much "allowance/fun money" we can have.

Dh comes to get my car, I tell him what I've worked out with our budget. Get in a fight in my work parking lot because he doesn't like how little money he gets to spend and doesn't want to "ask permission to spend $30" - gets in my car and drives off, I get in his Jeep to put it back in my reserved spot and go back to work. Slam the door - window goes off the tracks and door won't shut. I have broken his vehicle. Add that to the long list of things we need to pay for and can't. A jeep that needs a new transmission, needs an inspection and an oil change, now a broken window and a door that won't shut. Called


 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 12:49pm

Things like this all seem to hit at once don't they? Stupid Murphy! Feb is gonna be rough but maybe March will be better. Hubby will get over the jeep thing. It might take time but he will.

Sometimes I wish my sister could walk a mile in my financial shoes to understand better. I think that was a wonderful thing you did for your nephew for his birthday and I bet he loved it. Concentrate on that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2010
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 1:27pm
Oh you cant' have "permission" money in a relationship, it is doomed to fail at that point. One person can't be the controller of another.

Instead why can't you both try to have BLOW money that you are allowed to spend how you want in the budget?

Also, have you asked your DH to DO THE BUDGET? This is what Financial Peace teaches, one person is the anal one, the other is the spender and does not care. FPU gets you on the same page by making sure the one with the spreadsheets lets GO and the other person MUST make changes so they agree with the budget.

As far as your sister - get her a copy of the Total Money Makeover and tell her that you are not in a financial position to do what she is asking. You are doing what you can. IF she wants more, ask her to pay the students loans one month so you can buy a birthday gift. LOL

Our kids complain we have a 20" TV in the living room. Oh well, we watch television in bed for the most part, if we watch at all after 12-15 hour days.

Not worried so much about your sister as I am about your husband - you need to work that out - huge priority!

-Marie
#Marie
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 2:21pm
((((hugs)))))

Movies are expensive....I can't believe your sister would act like that. Although I have to admit, my DD just turned 26 and me and SO paying for her dinner (after her $10 birthday e-mail from the restaurant) wasn't enough. I guess that fact that we all obviously had to pay for our own dinner, the extra money we spend to cover what her $10 contribution didn't cover, didn't cross her mind.

So.......I still don't think it is OK, but if your sister is still rather young, it may not be quite such a shocker.

But yea, your R with DH is more of a concern.

Gosh sweetie, I feel for you. Sounds like he taking his frustration with the situation out on you. Which, of course, is what we do.

Is one of those who just gets overwhelmed with the details of paying bills, etc? My SO is quite capable, but he the details just drive him batty.

Boy, aside from him taking over I just don't know that you can do anything else. Just remember you can't change him, but you can change how you react to him. You can work on not taking it personally. It is not easy, but it is possible.

Hang in there...
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2001
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 2:48pm

(((oh honey)))

Life can be so hard sometimes.

Your sister is being a pill.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2008
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 3:52pm

This is the way I feel.

Norma


"Patience is the best remedy for every trouble"- Plautus


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2008
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 3:53pm
oh....and most of all BIG {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

Norma


"Patience is the best remedy for every trouble"- Plautus


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 4:23pm

Yep, I read about Murphy terrorizing all of you nice people here on DSG for so long, and now he's finally decided to come spend some time with me. I'm sure I'll get through it, as many of you already have.


 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 4:33pm

It is the word permission that really hurt. I've never put him in a situation where he's had to ask permission and he knows it. I work very hard at crunching the numbers (or "obsessing" as he often likes to call it) to make things work for both of us. I will tell him later when I get home from work how that made me feel.

We both have blow money worked into the budget, his wants just exceed our means. Our blow money is being reduced so we can afford a very expensive visit to see his children in April. He can't commit to the sacrifice now to reap the reward later, like I am trying to do. I see long term, he sees short term. I am for sure the anal one in Dave Ramsey's example.

He doesn't understand a monthly budget. Budget = restrictions to him. He likes taking each paycheck at a time, seeing what needs to be paid, and then repeating every 2 weeks. I like an overall plan and goals for each month, and for the whole year AND looking at each paycheck. Money is a tricky issue with our different personalities and we're doing our best to work it out. Groceries are the same way - I want to think ahead - have a PLAN for all 3 meals and snacks every day, he can't think past what he wants for dinner tonight and gets irritated by all of the details.

I went ahead and typed up a proposed budget for the month. He will get it when I get home and I'm going to tell him I need to know we're on the same page so he needs to look it over and improve upon it if need be. And then we need to stick to it. Wish me luck.

My sister, ugh. TMM would help her if she was open to it. She is older than me, but very much in debt. She has very expensive tastes - new clothes, coach purses, diamond jewelry, new car, long commute, tanning, hair dying, expensive gym membership, cigarettes and tattoos, vacations, breast implants, etc. All great things if you want them and can afford them. But she cannot. She is almost 31 and my parents pay her daycare costs when she is overdue, my nephews school lunches after they find out from him he didn't eat that day because his account is overdrawn, etc. She says "I don't want to live like you" - because in her eyes I have nothing. I live in an apartment, she "never would" and instead rents huge houses she can't really afford. But I can't change her and I need to learn to be less affected by her and her choices.


 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 4:40pm

Thanks serenity. Movies are expensive!! It's crazy how much they've gone up. It was special for me to take him to a movie becasue that is something we've done together since he was very small and I have great memories of doing so. I packed snacks, candy, bottled water since the concessions are even worse. He asked for popcorn/soda and I explained why I couldn't get him any (he's 12, btw). My sister says "you don't talk to children about money!!" Okay .... good luck with that. I think if our parents had talked to us about money a little more, we'd both have pretty different lives right now. And she's not young, she's about to turn 31. Old enough to know better I'd think, and I'm the baby sister here. Ah well.

I will talk to my DH tonight. I hope we can get better at communicating over money because it is so important. We are both very stressed and burnt out at this point and that is hindering the good communication in my opinion. And you're very right - he is not a details person at all, and I totally am. I obsess over every penny, every possible change in the budget, I have a million tiny baby step goals. He wants to know how much we have in the bank right now and what needs to get paid this week. Period.

I will work on not taking it personally, I am notorious for that and for being "sensitive"


 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 4:46pm

Thanks for saying I'm a great auntie. Am I a terrible person if you saying my sister is selfish immature or lacking basic life skills made me feel much better? lol :)

You're right, I spent money on the cupcake ingredients, I also spent time searching for a cool recipe he'd love, and I spent half a day making them. And I am known for my baking skills, not to toot my own horn. My sister upon tasting one said they were "gross" and proceeded to smash a couple of them up (my nephew helping her do this and laughing). And this was all in a public restaurant. The 24 leftover cupcakes went to DH's work where people actually appreciated them and said they were delicious. DH says no more


 


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